The Uncanny Avengers
by The Uncanny R-Man
Summary: Chapter 33: Jennifer Walters is having a really bad day. She has lost her job, and her apartment. What else could possibly go wrong? Part of the Uncanny Marvel Universe.
1. Brood Trouble in the Big Freezer: Part 1

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 1: Brood Trouble in the Big Freezer- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Author's note-** _This is the last fic in my URM series. I seem to have monopolized all of the major Marvel characters/teams that are worth doing. The people that I'm not writing fics on (Elektra, Punisher, Dr Strange, etc) will all be making guest appearances in my other stuff. Now, to start on that Uncanny Power Pack fic… Kidding!_

* * *

**Somewhere in the middle of the Antarctic-**

Somewhere in the middle of the Antarctic, a group of SHIELD scientists had discovered an alien spaceship beneath the polar ice. The ship must have been there for thousands of years.

A small group of the scientists descended into the spaceship to investigate.

'Man, this place is starting to give me the wiggins.' One of the scientists said. 'Shouldn't we wait for Fury to get here?'

'Fury won't get here for weeks.' Another scientist replied. 'We might as well get a look before this place is overrun by gun-toting jackasses.'

'We getting any life signs yet?' The first scientist asked.

'Not yet.' A third scientist replied. 'The ice is screwing up the sensors.'

'Look out for any alien egg pods, huh?' The first scientist said, chuckling nervously.

'Geez, you watch too much TV.' The second scientist sighed.

'Well I wouldn't mind having Sigourney Weaver by my side anyhow.' The first scientist said.

The other two scientists just shook their heads and continued to investigate the spaceship. The first scientist went to follow but something grabbed him and pulled him in to the shadows without so much as a scream. His fellow scientists merely continued onwards.

They soon found themselves in a huge chamber with some kind of giant pilot seat in the middle.

'Give he a hand, man.' The second scientist said as he tried to climb up. The third scientist did as he was told and helped him up.

The second scientist gasped in horror as he realised what he was standing on, it was the corpse of a giant alien.

'Geez!' He yelped as he stumbled back. Unfortunately, he lost his footing on the giant alien and fell to the ground with a painful thump.

'Yeah, not too embarrassing.' The scientists muttered. 'Hicks, you there? Hicks?'

The scientist spun around to try and locate his friend.

'C'mon man, this isn't funny. Stop screwing around…'

The scientist spun around as he heard skittering behind him. He shined his torch in the direction of the sound but he didn't find anything.

'Game over man, game over…' The scientist muttered.

'This is no game, human.' A voice hissed. 'Unless you count survival of you puny little race…'

The scientist spun around and shined his torch in the direction of the voice. His eyes widened in fear as a huge insectoid creature reared up in front of him. The creature had a mouthful of fierce fangs, six spindly limbs and a two-pronged tail.

'You will be a most worthy host for the next generation. Mmm yes, very worthy…'

The scientist tried to scream but the alien creature lashed at him with its tail, knocking him out. The creature then dragged him in to the nether regions of the spaceship.

* * *

**Avengers Mansion, several days later-**

Captain America was briefing the Avengers in the meeting room. Also there were the Scarlet Witch, Iron Man, Yellowjacket, the Wasp and the Vision. Seeing that She-Hulk, the team's token powerhouse was otherwise occupied, Cap called in Wonderman to temporarily take her place.

'Earlier today I received an emergency message from Nick Fury.' Cap explained. 'It seems that a SHIELD research team went missing somewhere in the Antarctic. All communication with the research station was cut a week ago. They were investigating an alien spaceship below the polar icecap.'

'So we're going to go rescue them, right?' Wonderman asked. 'Why are we still sitting here then?'

'Is it me or does this spaceship-found-under-the-ice thing sound familiar?' The Wasp asked. 'The chances are that these guys were eaten by some kind of new alien menace.'

'But which one?' Yellowjacket asked. 'There's so many, the Skrulls, the Kree, need I go on?'

'I'm hoping that's not the case, Hank.' Cap replied. 'But we must be ready for anything.'

'The Quinjet is fired up and ready to go.' Iron Man said. 'Better pack your thermals.'

* * *

**SHIELD Antarctic Research Station, several hours later- **

The Quinjet landed beside the SHIELD Antarctic Research Station and the Avengers carefully disembarked. They were all dressed in super-warm clothes, parkas and the like. Their breath came out in puffs of steam as they made their way towards the research centre.

'I cannot sense any life signs as of yet.' The Vision said. 'It almost seems as if something is blocking my sensors.'

'I guess I'd better open us up a way in.' Iron Man said as he stepped up to the two huge iron doors that held the entrance to the research centre.

Iron Man gave a grunt as he tried to pry the doors open.

'It's no use, I can't open these doors.' He said. 'They're stuck fast.'

'I'll hex them open.' Wanda said as she stepped up. Her hands glowed red as she readied up a hex blasts. 'I'd shield your eyes if I were you.'

The Avengers did as they were told and averted their gaze as Wanda blew open the door with a hex bolt.

'Still no life signs.' The Vision said. 'This is most eerie.'

'You're telling me.' The Wasp replied. 'This place is giving me the willies.'

The Avengers followed Cap as he led the way inside. There were absolutely no signs of life anywhere. No scientists running about, anything.

'Something isn't right here.' Yellowjacket said. 'This place is too clean for a place that has been deserted for a week or more.'

'You'd kind of expect some cobwebs around or something.' Iron Man replied. 'Arcs of blood up the wall even. We are talking alien invaders here, right?'

'Hopefully not.' Cap said. 'But there's only one way to find out. We have to walk on further.'

The Avengers followed Cap as he walked further in to the research centre. Except for Wanda though, she stayed back for a bit, she could sense something watching her…

'Wanda, are you alright?' Cap asked.

'I'm fine.' Wanda replied. 'I thought I sensed something weird.'

With that, Wanda went to join the others.

Unknown to the other Avengers, Wanda was indeed right about being watched. A pair of evil yellow eyes receded back in to the shadows…

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Brood Trouble in the Big Freezer- Part 2**


	2. Brood Trouble in the Big Freezer: Part 2

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 2: Brood Trouble in the Big Freezer- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Witch-Uk- **_Man, aren't cliffhangers the best? Heh._

**Agent-G- **_Sorry, no plans to pair Wanda up with the Vision or Wonder Man, I've got somebody else planned for her. _

* * *

**SHIELD Antarctic Research Station- **

Captain America was taking the lead as he and the rest of the adventures investigated the SHIELD Antarctic Research Station. The team of SHIELD scientists that were assigned to research the great white continent had mysteriously disappeared and the Avengers were there to find out why.

What spooked the World's Mightiest Heroes, that there were absolutely no signs of life and even if the scientists had been slaughtered by some mysterious menace, there were no signs of that either, no arcs of blood spattered across the walls, no discarded limbs, nothing.

Iron Man illuminated the way with the lights from his armour suit. He stopped in mid-step as his sensors picked something up. The signal was weak but there was definitely something there.

'I'm picking something up from behind that door.' Iron Man said. 'I believe this was the kitchen.'

The Vision and Wonder Man, the two strongest Avengers present, stepped up to open up the door while Iron Man stood back and lit their way.

The door gradually slid open with a squeal of grinding metal. No sooner had the door opened than somebody leapt out with a feral yell and tried to tackle Iron Man to the ground. Iron Man just zapped the guy with a repulsor blast, knocking him out.

'What was that all about?' Cap asked as he scratched his head. 'Shouldn't he be glad to be saved?'

'Unless he thought we were somebody else.' The Scarlet Witch replied. 'Who, or whatever took the rest of the scientists.'

'I guess that we'd better wait until he wakes up.' Cap said. 'Then we can question him.'

Cap propped the unconscious scientists up and carried him into the kitchen. The other Avengers followed.

* * *

**Later-**

Cap and the other Avengers stood around the scientists as he slowly regained consciousness.

'Oh God, what happened…?'

'You attacked us.' Cap replied. 'Iron Man had to subdue you with a repulsor blasts.'

The scientist's face then changed to one filled with fear.

'Oh God! You have to help me! They're here! They got the others!'

'Who do you mean, they?' Wanda asked. 'Who is after you?'

'I-I don't know what they are.' The scientist whimpered. 'But they took the others down like chumps. A whole squad of highly-trained men!'

'Who was it?' Cap asked, 'Hydra? The Red Skull? AIM?'

'No.' The scientists replied. 'They were some kind of aliens. Horrific insectoid things. Huge yellow eyes that shone with pure evil. Mouths full of saliva-strewn fangs…'

'Sounds like somebody's been watching too many sci-fi flicks.' Wonder Man said. 'I expect you're gonna say that there's a whole room full of egg pods or something.'

'Simon, now really isn't the time for jokes.' The Wasp said.

'Sorry.' Wonder Man replied. 'But I hope you don't mind if I'm a little sceptical.'

'After all the alien life forms we've come across?' Iron Man asked. 'Who's to say that those things in the films don't exist?'

'My memory banks do not recall any such encounters of creatures featured in those films you refer to.' The Vision said. 'Although, they do seem similar to a race of aliens known as the Brood. The X-Men have battled them several times.'

'Wanna give us the low-down, Vizh?' Wonder Man asked.

'The Brood are an alien race that life to procreate. They use the bodies of superior life forms to incubate their young. If the host should be a metahuman, the young will take on those powers. Upon hatching, the newborns fully consume the bodies of their hosts and converts them fully into members of the Brood.'

'But why in the middle of the Antarctic?' Yellowjacket asked. 'There are hardly any people about for them to use as hosts.'

'I-I can answer that.' The scientists replied. 'S-several colleagues and I discovered an alien spaceship deep beneath the ice. It seemed to be millennia old.'

'Yeah, that's right.' Wonder Man said. 'Didn't Antarctica used to be a temperate zone?'

'Yes, in the prehistoric age.' Iron Man replied. 'Back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.'

'Then these things must have stayed dormant since then.' Cap said. 'We have to find the rest of these scientists before they become hosts for these creatures!'

'I-I want to help.' The scientists said as he got to his feet unsteadily. 'I owe it to my friends.'

'Okay, be careful.' Cap nodded. 'We can't detect these things on our sensors so we don't know how far away they are. They could be right above our heads for all we know.'

'You had better be careful what you wish for human.' A voice hissed from above their heads. 'You just don't know whether it will come true…'

'Oh God they're here!' The scientists panicked. 'We have to run!'

Cap and the other Avengers stood their ground as several members of the Brood crashed through the ceiling above their heads.

'Mmm, the Queen will be most pleased with these hosts.' One of the aliens hissed. 'They will make wonderful hosts, especially the witch.'

'We have no use for the robot, however.' Another member of the Brood replied. 'He might a swell be turned to scrap.'

'You can try, alien.' Cap replied a she held out his shield. 'But you won't succeed.'

'There is only one way to find out.' One of the Brood hissed. 'For the Queen!'

And with that, the Brood leapt in to attack. The Avengers leapt to defend themselves however, and met the Brood with their respective powers. Cap fought them off with his shield, holding their gnashing fangs at bay. Wanda hexed them away. Iron Man blasted them with repulsor blasts. The Vision zapped them with his heat vision. The Wasp shrunk to insect size and zapped them with her bio-blasts. Yellowjacket grew to giant size and threw the aliens about with his super strength, as did Wonder Man.

Unfortunately, for every Brood alien that the Avengers defeated, three more seemed to appear.

'We have to get out of here!' Cap said. 'There are too many of them!'

'On it, Cap.' Yellowjacket replied. 'I'd step back if I were you.'

The Avengers did as they were told as Yellowjacket brought his foot down, squashing the aliens beneath his colossal boot.

'I hate to resort to deadly force.' Cap said. 'But there was no other way.'

'We could have done with one of these things being alive.' Wanda said. 'It could tell us if there are any more of these things, and where they are.'

'I am already seeing to that, Wanda.' Vision replied. 'My sensors have detected some kind of heat source below us. The kind of heat source that could only come form some kind of breeding chamber.'

'Complete with a Queen?' Wonder Man asked.

'I am afraid so.' The Vision replied.

'Man, I'm starting to feel more like Sigourney Weaver by the minute.' Wonder Man sighed as the Avengers moved out to find the Queen and end this once and for all.

**

* * *

**The Brood Queen's chamber- 

The Brood Queen wasn't happy. No matter how worthy these humans were as hosts, she did not take kindly to them slaughtering her offspring like this. Did they have no idea how long it took her to raise such an army? She had laid in her frozen tomb for endless millennia only for her brood to be cut down like so many sheaths of wheat. These humans would not go without being punished. Forget implanting them with eggs, they were food!

The Brood Queen simply waited there for the humans so she could take care of them herself. Her offspring were still about but they had been ordered to leave the humans alone for now, they were hers. And hers alone.

The Queen didn't have long to wait as the door to a freight elevator creaked open and the gaudily clad humans walked out. Her race had told tails of a particular group of humans known as the X-Men. These X-Men had fought and defeated her kind many times but the Brood were a stubborn race and refused to lie down and admit defeat. The Brood would conquer, or die trying.

'You will pay for slaughtering my offspring for this, humans!' The Queen hissed at the lead human, a man dressed in a white, red and blue costume, complete with shield. 'The Brood do not take such things lightly.'

'Neither do the Avengers to innocent lives being lost.' Cap replied, showing no fear to the colossal monstrosity before him. The Brood Queen looked very similar to her offspring but her colossal size gave away her royal bearing.

'All living things must to whatever they must to survive.' The Queen replied. 'And all living things will fall to the Brood!'

'We really don't like resorting to deadly force but if we must use it. We will.' Cap said. 'Avengers Assemble!'

The Brood Queen hissed in anger as the Avengers leapt to attack. Hex bolts flying, shields spinning, heat vision roasting and super strength bashing.

The Brood Queen gave as good as she got however and merely swatted the attacks away. The Scarlet Witch's hex bolts seemed to taking a toll however.

'Wanda, pile on the power!' Cap said. 'Your hex bolts are making her weak!'

Wanda didn't reply as she poured on the power and intensified the power of her hex bolts. The Brood Queen screamed in pain and the Brood drones, sensing her pain, leapt in to defend their Queen. The Avengers were ready for them however and fended them off while Wanda did her thing.

It was touch and go for a moment as nobody was sure who would win, Wanda or the Queen. Wanda seemed like she was about to faint under the pressure when the Brood Queen gave one last gurgle of pain and collapsed forward, dead.

Cap rushed up as Wanda let out a groan and collapsed. He caught her before she could even fall to the floor.

'It's okay Wanda, I've got you.' Cap said calmly.

'My hero…' Wanda said, gently stroking Cap's cheek.

'Ahem…' Jan coughed, spoiling the mood somewhat. 'Can we go now? Our work here is done, isn't it?'

'Yes, there's nothing left for us here.' Cap replied as he led the Avengers out of the breeding chamber.

Cap turned to the lone surviving scientist.

'I'm sorry that we couldn't do anything for your friend.'

'That's alright.' The scientists replied. 'I'll get buy.'

Unseen by Cap and the other Avengers, the scientist's eyes shone with an evil yellow glow and an evil smile spread across his face.

'Oh yes, I shall get buy all right…'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Party Time in Avengers Mansion**

_She-Hulk holds one of her patented drunken parties and two of the Avengers that you wouldn't expect doing so, end up being paired up together._


	3. Party Time in Avengers Mansion

**Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 3: Party Time in Avengers Mansion**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Danrilor- **_Yup, the Avengers sure kicked the Brood's collective butts. Gee, I wonder what pairing you could mean. Heh._

**TheLegendaryManHimself- **_Yup, the Alien films kicked butts. Cap and Wanda? Maybe…_

**Unknown legacy- **_You had me going for a minute then. Heh. I thought my passion for random couples had come back and bit me on the ass for a moment. Phew._

**Agent-G- **_As far as I know, there isn't any way to cure a Brood infection. Well, unless you have a healing factor that is._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'I laugh in the face of danger and tweak the nose of the deadly spindly killer fish.'- _**Percy (Blackadder II)**

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

It was late in the afternoon in the home of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes, the Avengers! She-Hulk was showing Mary Jane Parker around.

As well as being a five-star lawyer and a staple member of the Avengers, Jennifer Walters had also taken on a part-time job working for Deadpool Inc. as a bodyguard. Her first assignment was to make sure that Ms Parker and her unborn child didn't come to any harm. **(1)**

Jen stopped beside a picture of the original roster. The picture showed Iron Man, Ant-Man, the Wasp, Thor and Captain America standing in front of the mansion.

'I thought Cap didn't join until later.' Mary Jane said. 'Wasn't the Hulk an original member too?'

'Well yeah, my cousin was an original member.' Jen replied. 'But after he left in a strop, Cap was deemed a member of the original team.'

'That was after they found him frozen, right?' Mary Jane asked.

'Yup.' Jen nodded. 'Pretty weird, huh?'

'Not really.' Mary Jane shrugged. 'Once you come across clones and alien symbiotes, finding a living legend frozen in ice kinda of loses its impact, don't you think?'

Jen just chuckled at that and continued with the tour.

'You're lucky that you came here right about now.' Jen said. 'I'm planning on throwing one of my patented kickass parties.'

'I'm not imposing, am I?' Mary Jane asked.

'Oh God, of course not.' Jen chuckled. 'It would be rude of me not to invite you.'

'I can't drink too much, remember?' Mary Jane said, indicating her bump. 'I don't the baby to be born pickled.'

'I guess I'll have to make up for it.' Jen grinned. 'Having an inbuilt resistance to alcohol is a bonus in these situations.'

Mary Jane just smiled at that and followed Jen as she continued the tour.

* * *

**Later that evening-**

The party was in full swing as the Avengers partied down. After a little bit of Spider-Business, Peter had joined his wife and was dancing with her while Cap and Wanda looked on.

'At least the Parkers are a little less rowdy then Jen's usual guests.' Wanda said as she sipped her drink. 'No muscular underwear models anywhere.'

'You say that like it's a bad thing, Jen.' Cap replied.

'Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.' Wanda shrugged. 'You can't blame a girl in trying.'

Cap just nodded silently. Ever since the incident with the Brood **(2)**, he and Wanda had been rather… uncomfortable together. There was a definite spark between them but neither wanted to admit it. They could face any multitude of villains and not break a sweat but confess their obvious feelings for each other and they acted like timid teenagers.

Cap decided to take the plunge. He cleared his throat nervously.

'Umm Wanda… W-would you… I mean… Would you like to…?'

'Dance?' Wanda asked, a curious brow cocked.

'Pretty much.' Cap nodded.

'I'd love to.' Wanda smiled as she took Cap's hand and led him over where the others were dancing.

* * *

**Later-**

The party was winding down. Jen had gone off with the Parkers to make sure they got home okay while several others had gone off to bed. The only two that were left were Cap and Wanda. It was obvious that the pair had a little too much to drink as Wanda let out a dirty laugh.

'I can't believe the Red Skull was beaten by a little girl.' **(3)** Wanda snorted. 'That's flushed his reputation down the toilet all right.'

'I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get one last shot at him though.' Cap replied. 'He is my nemesis after all.'

'Well we did face the Brood last week.' Wanda said. 'It's only fair that one of the X-Men face done of our enemies.'

Cap nodded at that.

'I guess…' He said as he looked into Wanda' eyes.

Wanda looked back into his and bit her lip nervously.

'Wanda…' Cap said. 'I…'

Wanda placed her finger on Cap's lips, keeping him quiet.

'I know Steve, I know…' Wanda murmured as she leant in closer and pressed her lips against his. Cap gently lace his arms around her waist and pulled her close. Wanda merely her ascent and deepened the kiss.

* * *

**The next morning-**

Cap woke up with a groan as he felt the sunlight shine on his face. Oh God, what did he get up to last night?

Cap slowly opened his eyes and looked around the room. Wherever he was, he wasn't in his room. He didn't have black satin sheets for one. Or a four-poster bed.

Cap's eyes snapped open as he heard a feminine groan next to him and an arm fell across his chest.

'_Wanda?'_ He yelped, sitting up straight.

'_Steve?' _Wanda gasped, sitting up straight and clutching the sheet to her chest. 'W-what are you doing in my bed?'

'Last night I-I think we…' Cap trailed off.

'Oh God, we didn't…' Wanda groaned, her head in her hands.

'Well we are naked in bed together so I'd guess so.' Cap replied. 'If it's any help, we had a good time together.'

Wanda's cheeks flushed bright red.

'Mmm yes, we did, didn't we?' Wanda smiled. 'I'm surprised the bed could keep up with it.'

Cap chuckled nervously.

'I-I think I'd better go now. We don't want the others to talk.'

'Let them talk.' Wanda shrugged. 'I don't care.'

Cap cocked a curious brow at that.

'That was rather forward of you, Wanda.' He said. 'Very… modern.'

'I'm not a little girl anymore, Steve.' Wanda replied. 'I'm able to fend for myself very well thank you.'

Cap made to get up out of bed but Wanda placed her hand on his, stopping him.

'The others won't be up for a while.' Wanda purred seductively. 'So why don't we do something to pass the time?'

'Why Miss Maximoff.' Cap gasped. 'Are you trying to seduce me?'

'Maybe…' Wanda replied coyly, gently tracing a perfectly manicured nail down Cap's chest.

Cap let out a yelp as Wanda pulled him onto the bed.

'_Wanda!_ Be gentle!' He said.

'Don't know the meaning of the word…' Wanda purred.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Ultron Unbound!**

_The Hellfire Club learns a valuable lesson when they resurrect one of the Avengers' deadliest enemies, Ultron!_

* * *

**Notes-**

**(1)- **_She-Hulk became MJ's bodyguard in_ 'Uncanny Spider-Man.'

**(2)- **_The Avengers battled the Brood in the last chapter._

**(3)- **_X-23 defeated the Red Skull in_ 'Uncanny Wolverine.'


	4. Ultron Unleashed

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 4: Ultron Unleashed**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**GothikStrawberry- **_I'm glad you liked the Cap/Wanda thing. I had that one brewing for a while._

**Agent-G- **_Cap may be a little old-fashioned but he has had many lady friends since he was thawed out of the ice. Sharon Carter, Diamondback, the list goes on…_

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.'_**- Comic Book Guy (The Simpsons)**

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

It was breakfast time for the World's Mightiest Heroes and most of the team were up and tucking into their respective breakfasts already. Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne, Yellowjacket and the Wasp, were the first ones up. Tony Stark, Iron Man, followed them close behind.

'No Cap this morning?' Tony asked as he snagged himself some toast and juice. 'It's not like him.'

'Tell me about it.' Jan replied. 'He's usually the first one up.'

'Wanda's usually up bright and early too.' Hank added. 'You don't think that she and Cap are…?'

'No, of course not.' Jan snorted. 'Although, stranger things have happened.'

Next down was the Vision.

'Good morning everybody.' The synthezoid nodded as he took a seat. 'Is Captain America not up yet?'

'We were just talking about that very matter, Vizh.' Tony replied. 'Jan thinks that he and Wanda spent the night together.'

'Captain American and Wanda together?' The Vision asked. 'I find that somewhat unlikely.'

'As do I.' T'Challa, the Black Panther, added as he walked in to the room. 'The Captain is usually the first up.'

'Looks like he decided to sleep in.' Simon Williams, Wonder Man, said as he stepped up beside T'Challa. 'That's got to be the first time he's done that in what, sixty years?'

'I guess we'd better squeeze him for gossip after breakfast.' Jan replied. 'This is going to take some investigating.'

'If I may offer my opinion, sirs and madam?' Edwin Jarvis, the Avengers' butler, offered.

'What do you think is up, Jarvis?' Hank asked.

'I do not wish to spread idle gossip.' Jarvis replied. 'But when I was cleaning out Master Rogers' bedroom, I found a pair of women's underwear.'

'That doesn't necessarily mean that Cap's got a woman, does it?' Simon asked. 'He could be harbouring a secret passion for women's undies.'

'It's always the last ones you'd expect.' Jan sighed.

'This was not any ordinary pair of women's underwear, however.' Jarvis continued. 'They were red and of a rather… adventurous cut…'

The Vision and Simon's eyes snapped open in surprise. They both fully well knew whose panties Jarvis was referring to.

'Wanda!' The both chimed.

'What would Cap be doing with Wanda's panties?' Tony asked.

'I don't think it's too difficult to find out.' Jan replied. 'Cap and Wanda are…'

'Together?'

Jan yelped in surprise and almost fell off her seat.

'Oh God! Steve! I-I didn't mean… I wasn't…'

'It's all right, Jan.' Wanda replied as she gently squeezed Cap's hand. 'Steve and I are together. We have been since Jen's last party.'

'No wonder both of you have been late down to breakfast since then.' Simon nodded. 'You've been having illicit smoochies!'

'Can we just have breakfast, please?' Wanda sighed as she took a seat and snagged herself an apple.

'What's the matter, Wanda?' Jan teased. 'Worked up an appetite?'

Wanda looked at Cap with a cheeky grin.

'In a way, yes…'

Cap just shook his head and tucked in to his breakfast.

'Man, times like this make me wish that Kid Razor _had _agreed to join up.' Simon snickered. 'He'd undoubtedly have something funny to say about this.'

'Don't let Tigra hear you say that.' T'Challa added. 'You know how she feels about him. I was talking on the telephone to her a while ago and accidentally mentioned him. The language that Tigra came out with would have made Jennifer blush.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

In a warehouse somewhere in the Bronx, scientists were running for their lives. Well, scientists that still had legs that was. Once again, the Hellfire Club scientists had proven their extreme ineptness at keeping hold of an experiment. First it was the miniature Carnage clone **(1)**, and then it was the old decommissioned Sentinel. **(2)**

This time the Hellfire scientists tried to create their own army of Ultron robots based on the remains that they found in Slorenia **(3)**

Five of the prototype Ultrons had broken free and were rampaging through the warehouse that held them.

Two of the robots ripped a five inch-thick steel door off its hinges and threw it at the scientists, crushing them underneath its immense weight.

Several Hellfire guards tried to open fire on the robots but the bullets just ricocheted harmlessly off the robots' adamantium bodies.

'Foolish organics!' The five Ultrons said at once. 'You cannot defeat us. We are machines. Machines will inherit the earth!'

The Hellfire guards screamed as Ultron-1, the designated leader, let rip with a burst of energy from its hand, incinerating the guards.

'I can sense more organics heading for our position.' Ultron-2 said. 'Shall we continue or find a way to win our freedom?'

'Go. Enjoy yourselves.' Ultron-1 replied. 'All organics will fall underneath the mighty heels of the machines!'

* * *

**Back at Avengers Mansion-**

The Avengers had just finished their breakfast and were about to get ready for their morning training session when alarms began to blare all through the mansion.

'Uh-oh.' Simon winced. 'I don't like the sound of that.'

'Then I doubt you will like this news, either.' The Vision replied. 'I have just intercepted the frequency for police radio broadcasts. It seems that the Hellfire Club was trying to resurrect Ultron.'

'Oh God.' Hank groaned. 'Just when we think we've dealt with that monster once and for all, he comes back and bites us on the backside.'

Jan's heart went out to Hank. Of all the Avengers, Ultron's return hurt him the most. Hank Pym was the person that originally created Ultron and used his brain patterns to bring the robot to life. Ultron was like Hank, only without the constraints of a conscience or remorse. The last time the Avengers faced Ultron **(4)**, they hardly survived. It was only through Justice's sudden arrival along with some Antarctic Vibranium that they were able to defeat Ultron.

Jan out her hand on Hank's shoulder in comfort.

'Hank, are you…?'

Hank turned and smiled gently back at her.

'I'm fine Jan, really. It seemed about time that we faced Ultron again.'

Jan out on a happy face but she was still concerned for Hank. It was never easy for him when they fought Ultron over and over again.

Jan solemnly followed the others to the lower regions where their 'work clothes' were kept.

* * *

**The Bronx-**

The Bronx was in a state of chaos as the five Ultrons continued on their rampage, annihilating any living thing that they came across.

'Are you sure that these actions will draw out the life-giver?' Ultron-3 asked.

'I am sure of it.' Ultron-1 replied. 'Are you doubting our logic? Do you not wish to prove our superiority to the organics?'

'Of course I do.' Ultron-3 replied. 'I am merely eager to face the life-giver once and for all.'

'That is good.' Ultrons 4 and 5 said. 'We thought that you were growing soft. It would have been a pity to terminate you along with the organics.'

Ultron-3 ignored its counterparts' comments. It picked up a car and threw it at a nearby Italian restaurant, destroying it in a burst of fire and broken pieces of metal.

'Now do you believe I am with you?' Ultron-3 asked. 'The organics will inevitably fall under the mighty heel of the machi…**Ahkk!**'

Ultron-3's comments were cut short as a star-spangled shield bounced of its head.

'Not today, Ultron.' Captain America said as he caught his shield. 'This ends now.'

The five Ultrons gazed at the Avengers, Yellowjacket in particular.

'Ahh, the life-bringer has arrived. You are to witness the new dawn of the robot age!'

'Been there, done that.' Yellowjacket yawned. 'Kicked your butts regardless.'

The Wasp looked at her partner's face. He was obviously hiding his grief under a mask of cockiness and bravado.

The Avengers and the five Ultrons simply stared at each other, waiting for the other to make a move to attack.

It was Captain America that gave the order…

'Avengers, _assemble!_'

And with that, the battle was joined as robotic energy blasts met indestructible shields. Repulsor blasts met indestructible adamantium casings. Anti-metal-tipped claws met adamantium ribcages.

Black Panther was the first to take down one of the Ultrons as the anti-metal claws on the fingers of his gloves cut through the robot's adamantium hide like a hot knife through butter.

Ultron-4 squawked in anger as it tried to take a swipe at the ebon Avenger. But the Black Panther was too fast. His enhanced agility enabled him to dodge the robot's blow and score its back with his claws.

'You will fall like all the other organics, Panther.' Ultron-4 said. 'You may put up a fight but you will inevitably fall. As will all organics!'

'You are too like Kid Razor. You talk too much, monster.' Black Panther said as he dug his anti-metal claws into Ultron-4's neck mechanisms.

'What are y…'

'I am ending this butchery.' Black Panther replied as he ripped the mechanisms from Ultron-4's neck.

Ultron-4 gave one last mechanical squawk of defeat before falling on its face, defeated.

'Captain, do you need assistance?' Black Panther called.

'I'm fine thanks, Panther.' Cap replied as he jammed an iron pole into Ultron-3's mouth. 'Make sure Wanda's okay.'

'Now Steve, you disappoint me.' The Scarlet Witch replied as she knocked Ultron-5 off its feet with a hex bolt. 'You should know by now that these beasts can't stand my hex bolts!'

'That's my girl.' Cap grinned proudly as Ultron-5 crumpled under the barrage of hex bolts.

'Man, there's nothing I like better than a good old, drawn out scrap with some bad guys.' Wonder Man said as he battered Ultron-2 with his ionic fists. 'It feels kinda like a personal victory against these guys, y'know?'

Hank Pym wasn't the only Avenger that had personal history with Ultron. When Simon Williams first died, the original Ultron-5 used his brain patterns to programme the Vision.

'I am not sure this situation calls for such levity.' The Vision said as he phased through one of Ultron-2's punches. 'We must finish this fight as soon as we can and try to prevent any more needless deaths.'

'Just trying to lighten the mood, Vizh.' Wonder Man replied as he threw Ultron-2 over his shoulder and stomped on its head. 'Hopefully that would've shook something loose.'

Over with Yellowjacket and the Wasp, they were taking on Ultron-1.

'Come now, life-giver.' Ultron-1 mocked. 'Why not return to your usual size and duke it out like real men?'

'You are not a real man.' A miniaturised Yellowjacket replied as he buzzed about Ultron-1's head and zapped it with his bioelectric wasp stings. 'You aren't even human!'

'What do you say we take this inside, hon?' The Wasp asked.

'I was just going to suggest that very thing.' Yellowjacket replied as he zipped into Ultron-1's mouth.

Ultron-1 began to jolt about as its innards were repeatedly zapped by bioelectric wasp stings.

'You… _kzzt_… Cannot defeat… _kzzt_… us.' Ultron-1 sputtered. 'The machines will… _kzzt_… always prevai…'

Ultron gave out one last electronic sputter before its innards gave out. The last surviving Ultron fell on its face.

'Thank God that's over.' Yellowjacket sighed heavily. 'Hopefully they will _stay_ gone this time.'

'Good job, Avengers.' Captain America complimented as he prodded an inert Ultron with his foot. 'Let's get these things back home where we can be sure that they will stay inactive.'

'The Quinjet's already on its way.' Iron Man reported.

* * *

**The next day-**

It was the day after the Avengers' latest victory against Ultron and Cap and Wanda had just come home from a date.

Just like several of the other Avengers, Captain America had a little place of his own away form the mansion where he would go if he wanted some time to himself. Also, it was pretty handy to have some back-up accommodation when your usual home was destroyed as much as Avengers Mansion was.

Wanda sighed happily as she lay her head on Cap's shoulder.

'Oh Steve, this has been such a wonderful evening.' She sighed. 'And not a psychotic robot in sight.'

'I'm glad I could help, Wanda.' Cap replied as he gently laid a kiss on Wanda's forehead. 'What with our battle against the Brood, Kelsey going nuts **(5)** and yesterday's fight against Ultron, we all needed some time off.'

Wanda just smiled dreamily as Cap led her up to his front door.

'Wait a second…' Cap said, his voice suddenly full of worry. 'There's something wrong. I locked the door before I left…'

As soon as Cap had said that, something burst through the door, knocking both Cap and Wanda to the floor.

'You…' Cap snarled.

'Guten abend, _Herr Rogers._' An armour-clad Red Skull sneered. 'You too, _Fraulein Maximoff_. You both make such a wonderful couple. It would be a pity to kill you both. But business is business. You had better make your peace with whatever higher beings you believe in because this is the end. No convoluted, needlessly complicated plans to humiliate you. I am going to do what I should have done many years ago, namely rip out your heart and crush it beneath my heel!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: This Evil… Triumphant?**

_Captain America and the Scarlet Witch Vs the Red Skull. 'Nuff said._

* * *

**Notes-**

**(1)- **_The Hellfire Club created, and then lost, a miniature Carnage clone in _'Uncanny Knights.'

**(2)- **_The Hellfire Club lost control of an old, decommissioned Sentinel in _'Uncanny Young Avengers.'

**(3)- **_The Slorenia incident happened in Avengers #19-22._

**(4)- **_Once again, this happened in Avengers #19-22._

**(5)- **_For more about Captain Britain's betrayal, check out upcoming chapters of _'Uncanny Excalibur.'


	5. This Evil Triumphant

**Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 5: This Evil… Triumphant?**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. _

_

* * *

_**Shout Outs- **

**Sean Malloy-1- **_I'm glad you liked this. Cap and Wanda having a baby? Just you wait and see…_

**Doza- **_Guys like the Red Skull never stay dead for long._

**GothikStrawberry- **_Oh yeah, Wanda's gonna open up a can of whupass on the Red Skull._

**Agent-G- **_Yup, Cap and Wanda did kiss during the whole Disassembled crossover thingie in various Avengers-related comics. As for how the Red Skull survived his fall in Japan, just you wait and see…_

**Thanks to- **_Danrilor._

* * *

**Brooklyn-**

Captain America growled in anger at the sight of his nemesis standing before him. Just minutes earlier, the Sentinel of Liberty had arrived back at his apartment with Wanda Maximoff, the Scarlet Witch. The pair was planning on spending the rest of the evening snuggling in front of a roaring fire. Perhaps with some wine too. Alas, it was not to be as the happy mood was spoilt by an armoured Red Skull smashing through the front door of Cap's apartment.

'You've got a lot of nerve, Skull.' Cap hissed as he got to his feet. 'Attacking me in broad daylight. You must be mad.'

'Not mad.' The Red Skull smirked. 'Merely determined. Nothing will prevent me from killing you. Not that accursed Fury and SHIELD. Not that African filth you occasionally work with. And certainly not your mutant whore!'

'You take that back!' Cap snarled. The Skull was really starting to piss him off now. 'Wanda is the gentlest, most kindest person I have ever known. You don't have that right to talk about her like that!'

'Oh, I have the right.' The Red Skull chuckled evilly. 'And a wonderful AIM battle suit as well. Now, shall we carry on gossiping like old women or shall we skip straight to the fight?'

'The fight.' Cap growled simply. 'The sooner I take you down, the sooner we can all live our lives without fear of monsters like you.'

'Oh _Herr Rogers_, you always say the kindest things.' The Red Skull chuckled again.

Cap just bellowed in rage and tried to throw a punch at the red-faced fascist. Unfortunately, the Red Skull caught Cap's hand and elbowed him in the face.

'Just one of the benefits of this armour suit, _Herr Kapitain._' The Red Skull explained. 'As well as amplifying my strength tenfold, I have the reflexes to match!'

'That may be the case, but I'm still going to take you down. No matter what!' Cap growled as he kicked his opponent in the chest.

'Adamantium alloy.' Red Skull grinned. 'Totally unbreakable. And here you are without your trusted shield. Oh dear, whatever shall we do?'

'I shall make do.' Cap replied as he dealt Red Skull a nasty head butt. 'Just like I always do.'

'It is a pity I have to kill you first.' Red Skull sighed as he grabbed Cap's arm and pulled it around his back. 'I was planning on having you watch while I killed the witch, but I am afraid it is not to be. I guess I shall have my fun with her after I have finished with you. The woman is quite attractive you know… for a gypsy.'

'Monster!' Cap snarled as he punched the Skull on the chin, sending him reeling back.

'Hmm, first blood to you, Captain.' The Skull nodded as he wiped blood from his chin. 'Well done.'

Cap was about to follow up with a kick to the Skull's face when he heard a groan nearby.

'Ohh, what happened?' Wanda groaned as she rubbed her head. 'Steve! Watch out!'

Cap turned around just in time to see the Red Skull charging towards him. Apart from enhancing his strength, the battle suit had rather large daggers sheathed in the wrists. Cap realised this fact a little too late as the Red Skull plunged one into his heart.

'Steve! _NO!_' Wanda screamed. 'You monster!'

The Red Skull dropped Cap's body to the ground with a regretful sigh.

'That was rather anticlimactic, wasn't it?' He sighed. 'Oh well, we will all have to make do with small victories.'

'You will pay for that!' Wanda hissed as she began to stand up. 'If you have killed him…'

Wanda didn't bother to finish as she blasted the Red Skull with a hex bolt, sending the villain smashing against a nearby car.

'Now, I like to think that I am an even-tempered woman…' Wanda began. 'But even I have my limits. You have just crossed that line. Only one of us will walk away from this…'

'Mutant filth.' Red Skull snarled as he got to his feet. 'You dare lay a hand on _me_, your superior?'

'I'll lay more than a hand on you, Skull.' Wanda snarled as her hands began to glow red, the telltale sign that another hex bolt was on its way. 'And you will soon learn the error of crossing paths with Wanda Maximoff!'

Red Skull tried to slash at Wanda with his dagger but found that his armour wasn't responding to his commands.

'What?'

'Chaos magic, Skull.' Wanda explained with a smirk as she forced him back further. 'You should have stayed in custody.'

Wanda then made a fist, tossing the Red Skull through the air.

'I would usually be lenient, but you have made me angry. You will not like me when I am angry.'

Wanda waved her hands around, levitating the defenceless Red Skull in the air.

'Now, I believe this particular brand of battle armour has a battery pack somewhere that powers its mechanisms. Now, where could it be? Oh yes, here it is!'

'No!' The Red Skull pleaded. 'I will be crippled without it!'

'That was the plan.' Wanda replied as she used her powers to rip the battery pack out from the chest of the armour. 'Now, to end this…'

Wanda stepped up to the Red Skull and aimed a hand at his face.

'Please, have mercy…' The Red Skull pleaded.

'Did you give my people mercy before you led them to the death camps?' Wanda hissed. 'No, I don't believe you did… and neither will I…'

The Red Skull closed his eyes, expecting the end to come from a hex bolt. But it never came…

'Wanda… No… Don't do this…'

Wanda spun around at the weak plea.

'Steve! You're alive!'

'It'll take a little more than that to kill me.' Cap grunted weakly.

With her opponent momentarily forgotten, Wanda fell to her knees beside Cap and cradled his head in her lap.

'Oh God Steve, I thought I'd lost you…'

'_Mein Gott_, spare me…' A crippled Red Skull groaned.

'Shut up!' Wanda sneered. 'Unless you want more of the same…'

The Red Skull wisely chose to shut up.

'Oh God, there's so much blood…' Wanda sobbed as she placed her hand over Cap's wound.

'Wanda… What are you doing?'

'Healing you.' Wanda explained as he hands began to glow red again. 'The likelihood of healing a stab wound like that isn't very probable and probability is my forte…'

Cap stayed quiet and let Wanda do her thing.

* * *

**Later-**

Once Cap had fully recovered and SHIELD had taken away the crippled Red Skull, it was left to Nick Fury to explain how the Skull got his hands on the hi-tech battle suit.

'The best I can tell is that after the Skull got tossed outta that helicopter** (1),** AIM picked him up and patched him up.' Fury explained. 'In theory such a fall as that shoulda killed him outright instead o' cripplin' him. He needed the battle suit to walk. Take away the power source an' he's crippled again.'

'I'm just happy that he's defeated.' Cap sighed.

'Yeah, I hear yer lady friend took him down.' Fury nodded. 'Nice work by the way, Witchie.'

'All in a day's work, Colonel.' Wanda smiled.

'He won't be messin' with no Avengers any time soon.' Fury continued. 'Unless he wants another face full of Wanda.'

'I will be ready for him.' Wanda nodded. 'Forget Captain America, the Red Skull has a new nemesis: me!'

'At the rate this is going, I won't have any nemeses left.' Cap sighed.

'You still have that vampire guy, right?' Fury asked. 'Whatsisname…'

'Baron Blood.' Cap nodded. 'Not my proudest moment, I admit…'

'Then there's MODOK…' Wanda added.

'Let's not forget Batroc the Leaper.' Fury continued.

'Please stop…' Cap groaned.

'You know Armadillo.' Wanda said.

'Hate-Monger too.' Fury added.

'You really like making fun of me, don't you?' Cap sighed. 'This is what I get for letting other heroes poach my villains…'

'Oh, don't be to tetchy, Steve.' Wanda smiled sympathetically. 'I'm sure that Spider-Man will let you borrow one of his villains. The Shocker maybe…'

'Oh, stop it.' Cap groaned.

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: My Not-So Fair Lady**

_It's iron Man's turn next as ol' Shell-Head gets to know the Avengers' newest member, Lady Helen Thomas: Captain Britain!_

* * *

**Notes-**

**(1)- **_The Red Skull was stabbed through the heart and thrown from a helicopter by X-23 in '_Uncanny Wolverine._'_


	6. My Not So Fair Lady

**Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 6: My Not-So Fair Lady**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. I own Lady Helen Thomas._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Sean Malloy-1- **_Cripes. Cap and Wanda getting married? They've only just got together. Oh yeah, don't piss Wanda off or she'll go Disassembled on your ass!_

**Danrilor- **_If you liked this, please go and check out my other URM-Verse Avengers fics, _'Uncanny West Coast Avengers''Uncanny Young Avengers' _and _'Uncanny Avengers International.' _I'm glad that you like my dialogue. Sometimes I think that the characters in my stories tend to waffle a bit. _

**Agent-G- **_Oh yeah, Red Skull's a bastard, all right. I had to have Wanda kick his ass. She's a gypsy, one of the people that the Nazis sent to the death camps. Yes, Lady Helen is a replacement for Kelsey Leigh. Kelsey went nuts in '_Uncanny Excalibur'_ and tried to kill the Braddockses. Meggan dropped a car on her. Will AIM make an appearance? Umm… Yes._

* * *

**Avengers Mansion, morning- **

It was breakfast time in the home of Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and Tony Stark was making his way downstairs for the most important meal of they day.

The mansion was fit to bursting with news of Wanda's triumphant victory against the Red Skull. While you would expect that Steve Rogers would be angry that somebody else had beaten his nemesis, let alone a woman, the truth couldn't be further from it. Steve was positively glowing with pride.

'Ahh, the victor approaches.' Tony grinned as Wanda walked into the dining room behind him. 'Have I offered you my congratulations yet?'

'Well, you congratulated me roughly three times last night.' Wanda grinned. 'But not yet today.'

'Congratulations, then.' Tony smiled.

'You'd better watch those compliments, Shell Head.' Jan grinned. 'Or Wanda's head will grow so big that she'd hardly be able to fit in through the door.'

'Yeah, congrats on kicking the Kraut's arse, Red.' Lady Helen Thomas, the newest hero to carry the title of Captain Britain, grinned as she tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. 'He's pretty A-List. Whose arse are you gonna kick next? Galactus? Dr Doom?'

'I think that I will just sit back for a bit.' Wanda chuckled. 'Relax with a nice bottle of wine perhaps.'

'Swap that wine with a bottle of Southern Comfort and you've got my idea of a perfect night in.' Helen smiled.

'So _that's_ where my bottle went.' Hank Pym nodded in realisation. 'Jan and I were planning to use that for dinner tonight.'

'Southern Comfort barbeque steak.' Jan grinned. 'My personal favourite. You can even drink the glaze afterwards.'

'Bugger.' Helen groaned. 'Just the way I like steak, smothered in booze. I'll tell you what, I'll nip to the store and buy a bottle.'

'There's really no need, Helen.' Jan insisted. 'We could always substitute it with something else.'

'Don't you dare!' Helene warned. 'We're going to have Southern Comfort steak no matter what. Even if I have to fight my way through the hoards of Atlantis, Galactus and the Incredible bleedin' Hulk to get there.'

'Gotta love a woman that knows her priorities.' Simon Williams: Wonder Man, nodded.

* * *

**Later that day-**

After breakfast, the Avengers headed off to go about their usual business. Hank, Jan, Steve and Wanda were going shopping. Well, Jan and Wanda were the ones doing the actual shopping while poor old Hank and Steve were press ganged into carrying all the bags. Simon and the Vision were in their usual place in the main lounge playing chess. That just left Tony and Helena.

The newest member of the Captain Britain Corps was in her room preparing for a late morning patrol of the city.

Helena already had on her blue bodysuit with a lion emblem on the chest. Her Union Jack mask was laid on the bedside unit while she put on her white boots.

'Bloody hell!' Helen hissed as she struggled with her boots. 'Braddock could have magicked up some boots that bloody fit me!'

'Perhaps it would help if you undid the laces first.' A voice offered.

Helen's hand began to glow as her mystic Staff of Might appeared.

'Whoa! Watch where you put that thing! You could have somebody's eyes out!' Tony yelped, holding his hands up in defence.

'Christ, Tone…' Helen groaned. 'I coulda blown your bloody face off. Try to knock next time, okay?'

'Sorry, it's just that your door was open.' Tony admitted sheepishly. 'So… Going out on patrol, huh? I don't suppose you're looking for some company, are you?'

'A little extra help wouldn't go amiss.' Helen nodded as she pulled her hair into a loose ponytail. 'Just don't go poaching my villains, okay?'

'You have villains of your own?' Tony blinked. 'But you've only just been here for a week or so.'

'Yeah, I kinda have that affect on people.' Helen sniffed as she put her mask on her face. 'It's not like I've got hardcore villains like you blokes have. Y'know, Kang, Ultron and what have you. I'm pretty content with the lesser blokes. People like the Shocker and the Scorpion.'

'Aren't those Spider-Man's villains?' Tony blinked.

'Oh, like you blokes haven't swapped villains around.' Helen snorted. 'Everybody's fought everybody.'

'Well, I guess you're right about that.' Tony admitted. 'Just give me a few minutes and I'll get my work clothes.'

'Don't be too long.' Helen replied sweetly as she walked past Tony and patted him on the backside. 'Or I may just nab the glory from you.'

Tony just blinked in confusion as Helen headed for the roof. The new Captain Britain was quite different from the last one. Lady Helen Thomas wasn't one to mince her words.

Downtown Manhattan, later- 

'Now, **_this_** is more like it!' Helen crowed as she vaulted over the Trapster's head, avoiding a glue blast from the villain and bringing her Staff of Might down on his head. 'Who needs to go shopping for pretty things when we can tear the Fearsome Four a new one?'

'It is certainly refreshing.' Tony replied as he blasted the fire-breathing reptilian shapeshifter known as Salamandra with a repulsor blasts, sending her crashing through a fire hydrant, sending water spewing high into the air. 'It's a nice change to fight _normal_ villains as opposed to guys like Ultron and the Red Skull. **(1)**'

'You dare place _me_, the Invincible Wizard, with _those_ imbeciles?' The pink-armoured villain known as the Wizard hissed. 'I have faced the Fantastic Four!'

'And you got your arse kicked every time.' Helen quipped as she sent the evil scientist flying with a blast from her Staff of Might. 'And let's talk about that pink armour of yours. _Gay!_'

'I have to agree with the potty-mouthed British lady.' Tony piped up. 'People are talking, Wiz.'

'Yeah, I bet that after all is said and done, you spend your free time dressed in skin-tight leather and dancing to the Village People's greatest hits.' Helen snickered as she jumped onto the Rhino's back. 'All together now… It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C…'

'You will _pay_ for this, woman!' The Wizard sneered as he tried to blast Helen with an energy blast form his gauntlets. Fortunately, Helen was too quick and jumped out of the way. The energy blast instead hit the Rhino.

'Oh, hit your own teammate, wil ya?' Rhino snorted angrily. 'I'll show ya how the Sinister Six usually takes care o' traitors like you!'

The Wizard tried to defend himself against the colossal enforcer but ended up with a mailbox upside the head for his troubles.

'I never wanted to join this outfit, y'know…' The Rhino sighed heavily as he turned around to the heroes. 'You think that I like looking **like** a freak? All I want to do is live a peaceful life amongst the trees. The wondering Pine, junk like that…'

'Uh-oh…' Helen winced. 'I smell an impending Lumberjack Song…'

'C'mon, let's get you back into your cell in the Raft…' Tony said calmly as he put a comforting hand on the Rhino's shoulder. 'You never know, giving yourself up like this might even give you a lighter sentence.'

'Yeah, I guess…' The Rhino nodded. 'These retards make me feel ashamed to be called a bad guy. Some people just don't know when they're beat. Me, I know when I'm beat. Gettin' slammed upside the head by Spider-Man soon teaches ya stuff.'

'And it gets you all psycho-analysing-y.' Helen added. 'Christ, I could do with a nice cold beer right about now. What about you, Shell Head.'

'I don't drink…' Tony told the Englishwoman. 'Alcohol and I don't really get along…'

'Oh right…' Helen nodded, silently cursing herself for not realising. 'How about a nice pot of tea?'

'Sounds like a plan.' Tony nodded. 'Just wait until SHIELD comes to take these losers off our hands and we can have a rest.'

'Are you a gambling man, Shell Head?' Helen inquired with a smirk.

'I dabble.' Tony shrugged. 'Why, have you got something planned?'

'Well, I heard that the monthly Avengers/Fantastic Four/X-Men/Whoever the hell else wants to join poker game is coming up soon.' Helen said. 'It's our turn to host it, right?'

'As far as I know.' Tony nodded. 'You'd better be prepared if you are going to join though, those X-Men are mean poker players. Especially that Cajun.'

'Not to mention those sexy red-on-black eyes.' Helen sighed dreamily. 'Mmm-mm, that's one sexy Cajun.'

'You never stop, do you?' Tony sighed.

'Never in a million years.' Helene replied, grinning beneath her mask.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Bluffy the Poker Player**

_The Thing, Wolverine, Gambit, Spider-Man and Dr Strange guest-star as the Avengers host the monthly superhero mixer poke game. Unfortunately, the game is interrupted by Morbius and a few blood-sucking friends. Hence the lame pun for the title. Man, I suck…_

* * *

**Notes-**

**(1)- **_The Avengers fought Ultron in Chapter4. Well, five Ultrons actually. Cap and Wanda fought the Red Skull in the last chapter._


	7. Bluffy the Poker Player

**Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 7: Bluffy the Poker Player**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. I own Lady Helen._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**GothikStrawberry- **_Yup, poker games are always fun in the Marvel Universe. This is the second poker game I have written in the URM-Verse. The first was in '_Uncanny Wolverine_'. Penance kicked everybody's butts. I'm glad you like Lady Helen._

**Sean Malloy-1- **_There won't be any more weddings in the URM-Verse anytime soon, I'm afraid. _

**Agent-G- **_Yah, I guess the villain-swapping joke has run its course. Of course I can take liberties with Lady Helen's character, I crated her. I don't see what's wrong with random fights? Not all supervillains plan on their fights being a meticulous conquest of Earth._

**

* * *

Avengers Mansion-**

It was that time of the month again, time for the Avengers/Fantastic Four/X-Men/Whoever-the-hell-else-wants-to-join-in poker game. This month it was the Avengers' turn to host the game. Seeing that the X-Men hosted the last game, it would be the Fantastic Four's turn to host the game next.

The Avengers' newest member: Lady Helen Thomas, the third person to carry the mantle of Captain Britain, stood back from the table on which snacks and various drinks were laid out and stroked her chin in thought.

'Hmmm, I get the feeling I'm missing something…' The British heroine thought out loud.

'And that something would be the cards and poker chips.' Tony Stark answered as he walked in with an old antique pine box that held several packs of cards and poker chips.

'You're a lifesaver, Tone.' Lady Helen kissed her teammate on the cheek. 'Cheers.'

Tony was momentarily startled by the kiss.

'Uh… thanks.' He blinked. 'A-are all the drinks here?'

'Yup.' Lady Helen nodded as she did a quick check on the assembled beverages. 'All drinks, alcoholic and non, are fully accounted for.'

'We won't need ashtrays because the Mansion is a non-smoking area.' Tony added.

'Did Cap come up with that rule?' Lady Helen asked. 'He seems kinda like a health-freak kind of person to me.'

'I made that rule, actually.' Tony explained. 'I own this mansion and I detest smoking, especially those terrible cigars Wolverine usually smokes.'

'My mum died of lung cancer so I haven't got any love for 'em either.' Lady Helen nodded. 'So, with everything all ship-shape and Bristol fashion, all we need to do is wait for the suckers… players to arrive.'

Lady Helen leant against the wall and crossed her arms, preparing to wait.

'Yup. Any time now…'

Lady Helen jumped up as she heard the doorbell ring.

'Don't bother getting it, Jarvis!' Lady Helen shouted to the Avengers' loyal butler. 'I've got it!'

'Very well, ma'am.' Jarvis nodded as he joined Tony in the room where the game would be held.

'I hope you don't think that I am being prudent, Master Stark…' Jarvis began. 'But, are you sure having Lady Helen present for this monthly poker game is such a good idea?'

'Anybody's welcome to join in, Jarvis.' Tony explained. 'Heck, we even let the Great Lakes Avengers join in one time.'

'Ah yes…' Jarvis winced. 'I remember it quite well.'

'Never again.' Tony shivered.

**

* * *

Later-**

All the players were gathered around the table as they waited for Tony to deal the cards. Long-standing players like Wolverine, the Thing and Dr Strange were there. Strange was never any good at these games but he was always invited anyway. Nobody wanted to offend the Sorcerer Supreme, as nobody really knew what kind of stuff the man could do when really pushed to it. There were also relatively new players there like Spider-Man and Gambit.

Everybody was in their civvies, as they all knew each other's secret identities anyway.

'It's a pity Rogue couldn't come her too, Remy.' Tony noted as quickly shuffled the cards in his hands. 'She's always a joy to have as an opponent.'

'She was feelin' a li'l bit under de weather, on account o' bein' pregnant an' all.' Remy explained. 'Y'know, women's troubles an' all dat.'

'Oh, I know what it's like.' Peter Parker snorted into his drink. 'MJ gets pretty tetchy when she gets hormonal.'

'Just think yerselves lucky that you don't live with a pregnant Skrull.' Ben added with a snicker as he sipped on his beer. 'You ain't seen hormonal until ya seen a Skrull PMSin'. Luckily fer us, she usually take sit out n Torchie.'

'You seem a little quiet, Doc.' Lady Helen noticed. 'Meditating or something? Getting yourself prepared for the impending ass-kicking?'

'Helen, don't taunt the Sorcerer Supreme.' Tony hissed.

'I am quite fine, thank you Tony.' Strange nodded. 'I have quite a lot on my mind.'

'Like what he's gonna tell de missus when he comes home wit'out his shirt.' Remy snickered.

'Can we get this game started already?' Logan groused. 'I'm getting' antsy over here.'

'What's the matter, Logan?' Peter teased. 'Missing your lady? Don't tell me she never lets you out. Heck, she's already made you give up those crappy cigars.'

'De homme's got you dere, mon ami.' Remy snickered.

'Bite me, Gumbo.' Logan sulked.

'Oh balls!' Lady Helen growled as she stood up off her seat. 'I forgot to order the bloody pizza!'

'Forget about the pizza, Helen.' Tony replied. 'Sit down and play.'

'No way.' Lady Helen shook her head. 'I'm not doing anything until I order the pizza.'

Lady Helene grabbed the phone and dialled for pizza.

'Well, she certainly seems… nice.' Peter blinked. 'What happened to the other Captain Britain?'

'Meggan Braddock dropped a car on her.'**(1)** Logan remembered.

'Is dat de other female Captain Britain or Brian Braddock?' Remy asked.

'It's the second Captain Britain, Gumbo.' Logan explained. 'Kelsey what's-her-face. Why would she wanna drop a car on her husband?'

'Lover's tiff?' Ben suggested with a grin.

'You're lucky she din' hear you say dat, homme.' Remy shook his head. 'I hear dat de fille's got one hell of a temper on her.'

'Not unlike a certain Southern-Belle, eh Cajun?' Tony snickered.

'Oh, hardy-har-har.' Remy rolled his eyes. 'Let's all pick on de Cajun, shall we?'

'Yes, let's.' Peter grinned.

* * *

**Roughly half-an-hour later-**

The pizza guy pootled towards Avengers Mansion on his moped. The Avengers were one of the pizza guy's most loyal customers. Hell, who wouldn't be glad to sell the World's Mightiest Heroes fried cheese on bread? They always ordered a ridiculous amount of pizza, and that was only for such Avengers as Thor and Hercules. Although, the Scarlet Witch was well known for having an addition to barbeque chicken. Captain America just had his plain. Iron Man liked his pizza with pepperoni while the Wasp liked the full works on her pizza.

Unfortunately for the pizza guy, he would never reach his destination.

A shadowy figure leapt out from the side of the road and pulled the pizza guy away. The pizza guy didn't even have enough time to scream as the figure dug his teeth into his neck.

'Hey, leave some for me, man.' A voice hissed. 'Don't be such a pig.'

'Bite me, jackass.' The first vampire hissed as he wiped blood from his chin. 'Avengers Mansion is just across the road! Why don't you go over and snack on the Scarlet Witch or something.'

'Oh yeah…' The second vampire grinned. 'I wouldn't mind having a bite of her. Mmm-mmm. That's good eating.'

'Do you idiots think of anything other than your stomachs?' The lead vampire hissed.

'Sorry Mister Morbius…' The first vampire apologised. 'W-we were just…'

'Don't give me any excuses, fool.' Morbius the Living Vampire sneered. 'I'm hungry.'

'Like Phil said…' Vampire Number 2 suggested, pointing at Vampire Number 1. 'Why not pop over to Avengers mansion and snack on one of them?'

'If you don't fancy an Avenger, you could snack on Spider-Man.' Phil suggested. 'I hear it's the Avengers' monthly poker night and he's invited.'

'_Yessss…_' Morbius hissed hungrily, running his tongue over his fangs. 'I will enjoy snacking on him…'

'But how are we gonna get in there, boss?' Vampire Number 2 asked. 'We can't go in there unless we're invited.'

'Fear not, Gerald.' Morbius grinned. 'I have an idea…'

* * *

**Back with the poker game-**

Lady Helen drummed her fingers on the table impatiently. The pizza guy was late.

'Bloody hell.' The British heroine groused. 'What's taking the pizza guy so bloody long?'

'You know New York traffic.' Peter shrugged. 'I'd never be able to save people if I couldn't swing webs.'

'That's why we've got Quinjets.' Tony added. 'So we don't have to suffer New York's gridlock.'

'I'm still not gonna pay for this bloody pizza.' Lady Helen complained. 'The guy said forty-five minutes or the pizza's free. It's been almost a bloody hour.'

'It's only pizza, chere.' Remy added. 'What's de big deal?'

Lady Helen was about to reply when the doorbell rang.

'Pizza!' She yelled happily as she jumped to her feet.

'Wait, Lady Helen…' Dr Strange began. 'Something is not right here, I can sense it…'

Strange's warnings fell on deaf ears as Lady Helen was already at the door.

'It took you bloody long enough.' Lady Helen muttered. 'I'm not gonna pay for this y'know. Yer slogan said forty-five minutes or the pizza's free.'

The pizza guy muttered an apology.

'I guess you'd better come in…' Lady Helen sighed.

That was all Morbius needed. The Living Vampire pulled the pizza guy's hat off his head, which had up until that moment been concealing his identity, and grinned hungrily at the heroine.

'You shouldn't have done that…' Morbius hissed before turning to his lackeys. 'Come on in boys, dinner is served!'

There was the sound of a hoot of joy as a gang of vampires stormed through the door.

'Dibs on the Scarlet Witch!' One vampire grinned.

'She-Hulk's mine!' Another grinned.

Lady Helen's hand began to glow as she called on her Staff of Might. Unfortunately for her, Morbius backhanded her across the face, knocking her out.

'We can't have anybody disturbing out meal, can we?' The Living Vampire grinned evilly.

'That's what you think, bub!' Logan growled as he unsheathed his claws.

'Mmm, it's been ages since I last tasted mutant blood.' One of the vampires chuckled. 'You're mine!'

Logan just matched the vampire's evil grin as the bloodsucker leapt at him. The vampire's grin didn't last very long as Logan plunged his claws into its chest.

'Heh. Izzat the best you got?' The vampire hissed through his pain.

'I ain't even finished yet.' Logan smirked as he pulled his claws upwards, cleaving the vampire neatly in two, turning it into dust.

In the kitchen, Remy was taking on his own vampires. Ironically for somebody at a poker game, the Cajun mutant didn't have any cards on him. Not that Remy was completely defenceless, however. He picked up a wooden spoon and snapped off the spoon's end, creating a makeshift stake.

'It'd be a pity to mess up a nice clean kitchen like dis.' Remy sighed sadly as he charged up the spoon and threw it at the vampire, exploding it into dust.

Another vampire leapt onto Remy's back and attempted to bite him. The guy never got the chance as Remy tossed him over his shoulder onto the gas cooker. Remy then lit the gas, eliciting a scream from the vampire as it burst into flames.

'Mmm, dat's a spicy meatball.' Remy grinned as he dusted vampire dust from his front.

Elsewhere, Tony was trying to fend off another vampire with a chair.

'My kingdom for my Iron Man armour…' Tony groused as he pushed the vampire up against the wall with his chair.

The vampire didn't stay trapped for long as it smashed the chair to pieces and grabbed Tony by the throat.

'Not so tough without your armour, are you?' The vampire hissed.

'So says the soon-to-be pile of dust.' Tony grinned as he pointed a broken piece of chair at the vampire's chest.

'Oh, fu…'

The vampire didn't get to finish as Tony plunged the makeshift stake into its chest, turning it into dust.

'I hate vampires.' Tony winced as he waved the vampire dust away from his face.

Outside, Ben was giving it his all as he struggled against a swarm of vampires that leapt onto his back.

'I ain't no Einstein, but you things must be pretty dumb if you think yer gonna suck my blood.'

One vampire proved just how dumb it was as he tried to bite Ben's neck, only for him to break his teeth on Ben's rocky neck, causing him to howl in pain.

'Told ya so.' Ben tutted as he tossed the vampire against a tree, impaling it on a broken branch.

'Perhaps I could offer you some assistance, Ben…' Dr Strange chipped in.

'Sure, help yerself, Doc.' Ben replied with a shrug as he yanked another vampire off his back and punched it in the face.

'By the Hoary Hoasts of Hoggarth, I banish you to whence you came!'

The vampires screamed in pain as they disappeared in puffs of smoke.

Unfortunately, not all the vampires had disappeared.

'Coming through!' Peter yelled as he leapt through the air with Morbius hot on his heels.

'I will drink the blood form you still-beating heart, Spider-Man!' Morbius hissed angrily.

'Sorry, but I like my heart just where it is thank you.' Peter quipped as he leapt into a tree. 'But you're welcome to try.'

Morbius hissed in anger as he leapt up into the tree.

'Oi! Tippex Face!'

'Who dares address me in such a way?' Morbius hissed.

'That would be me, yer big poof!' An irate Lady Helen snarled. 'I want my ounce of blood after you decked me like that. Get yer arse down here!'

'You have spunk, woman.' Morbius chuckled as he hopped down from the tree. 'I like that.'

'Then perhaps you'll like this!' Lady Helen scowled as she pulled her Staff of Might from behind her back. 'Bang, you dead, Bugger Face!'

Morbius howled in pain as Lady Helen blasted him off his feet with an energy blast from her staff.

'I coulda taken him.' Peter sniffed as he leapt down from the tree.

'Ya did such a great job too.' Logan nodded. 'Hidin' in the tree an' all.'

'Hey, that was all part of my plan.' Peter muttered.

'We just gonna let Morbius lie here like dis?' Remy asked. 'He could escape an' snack on other people.'

'I will teleport him away to the authorities.' Strange said. 'Enjoy your poker game.'

Everybody watched Strange teleport away with the unconscious Morbius.

'Well, that was one of the most eventful poker nights I've ever been to.' Lady Helen sighed. 'What do you blokes do for an encore? Get Galactus to eat the planet or something?'

'Pff, dat's small-time stuff, chere.' Remy snorted. 'Usually it's just a full-scale invasion from Hell.'

'You are joking?' Lady Helen blinked. 'Right?'

Remy, Tony and the others just laughed to themselves as they walked back inside to continue their poker game.

'You blokes suck.' Lady Helen sulked as she eventually followed them all inside.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The Williams BoysGo to Town**

_The Black Cat and Warbird guest star as Wonder Man and the Vision hit the town for a good old-fashioned party, Avengers style!_

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)-** _Meggan Braddock dropped a car on Kelsey Leigh in_ 'Uncanny Excalibur'


	8. The Williams Boys Go To Town

**Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 8: The Williams Boys Go To Town**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. I own Lady Helen._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Me Grimlass want to snuggle!'- _**Dinocon Grimlass (Uncanny Transformers- COMING SOON!)**

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

A taxi cab pulled up to the home of the World's Mightiest Heroes. The taxi stopped and two figures stepped out. One had white-blonde hair and was dressed in a very low-cut black dress while her accomplice had regular blonde hair and was wearing a slightly less revealing dark blue dress dress. The regular blonde paid the cab driver and headed towards the door of the mansion. She knocked and waited for somebody to answer.

The woman with white-blonde hair looked about their surroundings nervously and wrung her hands as she tried to calm herself.

Fortunately for the pair, the Avenger's butler, Jarvis, answered the door. The loyal butler's face lit up as he saw the familiar blonde standing before him.

'Miss Danvers!' Jarvis smiled. 'It has been an age!'

'Always a pleasure to come back, Jarvis.' Carol Danvers, the former Avenger known as Warbird, smiled. 'Can we come in? I think we're expected.'

'Ah yes…' Jarvis nodded as he motioned for the pair to follow him inside. 'Masters Williams and… Shade are waiting in the kitchen.'

'Shade?' The white-blonde blinked.

'Victor Shade, it's Vision's civilian identity.' Carol explained. The white-blonde haired woman nodded in understanding.

Jarvis led the two women to the kitchen where Simon Williams: Wonder Man, and the synthezoid named Vision, were waiting patiently for them.

'May I get you any refreshment while you wait?' Jarvis offered.

'No, thank you.' The white-blonde shook her head. 'I don't drink much anyway.'

'I'm fine too, thanks Jarvis.' Carol smiled.

'Very well.' Jarvis nodded as he headed out the room. 'If there is nothing else…?'

'We're hip, thanks.' Simon smiled.

Once Jarvis had left, Simon turned to the white-blonde with a smile.

'Wow, Felicia. You look…'

'Slutty?' Felicia Hardy: the feline vigilante known as Black Cat sniffed. 'I'm showing too much boob, aren't I?'

'I think you look lovely.' Simon smiled as he kissed Felicia's hand chivalrously.

'Oh, you…' Felicia blushed. 'Any more like that and you'll charm me right out of my clothes!'

'Never on a first date, Felicia.' Simon winked cheekily. 'I'm not easy, you know.'

The Vision smiled at Carol in welcome.

'You also look beautiful, Carol…' Vision added.

'Why, thank you Vizh.' Carol blushed slightly. 'You're not all that bad yourself.'

'Is everybody ready to go then?' Simon asked. 'We'd better get going soon if we want to beat the queues.'

'Sounds like a plan.' Felicia smiled as she linked her arm with Simon's. 'Let's go party!'

'I really have to thank Jen for introducing us.' Simon grinned at his date's exuberance. 'I can see I'm gonna have a great time trying to keep up with you.'

'I just hope you're up to it.' Felicia chuckled. 'I live fast, and party hard!'

'You've picked a great one there, Simon…' Carol shook her head with a chuckle. 'Just try not to put your back out, okay?'

* * *

**A short time later-**

The quartet had arrived at their destination, and were enjoying the peace and quiet before they were called away on another mission to save the world or some such.

Vision was left with the ladies while Simon went to get the drinks.

'I'll tell you one thing, Vizh…' Felicia smiled. 'I never imagined somebody like you to be into a dance club. All these sweaty young bodies rubbing against each other…'

'I do have a life outside the Avengers, you know.' Vision pointed out. 'I particularly enjoy the films of Buster Keaton and the books of H. G. Wells. The Time Machine is a particular favourite of mine.'

'Wow, you certainly know how to enjoy yourself.' Felicia shook her head with a laugh.

'Felicia, I hope you don't think that I'm being too personal or anything…' Carol said. 'But, a woman with… talents such as yours. Jumping from roof-to-roof with those babies surely can't be very comfortable.'

Felicia looked down at her ample bosom.

'Meh.' The off-duty vigilante shrugged. 'They distract the bad guys. Plus, they act as ballast.'

'Ballast! _Ha!_' Carol laughed. 'Classic!'

'You have a really dirty laugh, you know that?' Felicia rolled her eyes. 'It's like a freaking foghorn.'

'Your laugh is rather… loud.' Vision pointed out. 'It is quite… conspicuous.'

'Geez, sorry for laughing.' Carol tutted. 'Would you all prefer a little girlish giggle?'

'We all know that you can't giggle.' Felicia teased. 'With you it's always **_BWA-HA-HAAAAA _**or nothing at all.'

'I'll just shut up then…' Carol sulked.

'Aww, we were only teasing you.' Felicia patted the former Air Force hottie on the shoulder. 'No harm done, right Vizh?'

'Yes, we are all friends here.' Vision smiled. 'It was just friendly teasing.'

'Oh goodie…' Felicia smiled as she saw Simon walk up. 'Here's Simon with the drinks. Beer is good. Beer is our friend.'

'I'll just stick to orange juice, thank you.' Carol shook her head as Simon handed over her drink. 'You can keep your beer, thank you very much.'

'So, what have I missed?' Simon asked as he took a seat. 'Any juicy gossip?'

'Only that Felicia uses her boobs as ballast.' Carol snickered.

Felicia held her head in her hands.

'Oh crap, I'm never going to live this down. Just wait until Peter and MJ find out…'

* * *

**Later-**

The quartet had finished with the dance club and were waiting for a cab to take them home. Carol was still yukking up the earlier ballast comment.

'Geez, you'd think that the woman's never heard a boob joke before.' Felicia rolled her eyes.

'Carol, are you okay?' Simon asked concernedly as he looked at the other woman, who was presently doubled over in laughter.

'Carol, people are staring…' Vision pointed out. 'You are making a scene.'

'I… heh… can't help it… hee-hee…' Carol wiped a tear from her eye. 'I just can't… _pfffff_… believe Felicia. Heh… said that…'

'Sure, laugh it up…' Felicia sulked. 'That's the last time I tell you my deep, dark secrets…'

'I'm sure that all this will be forgotten tomorrow.' Simon comforted his date. 'The excitement has most probably gotten to her.'

Felicia just crossed her arms over her chest.

'I shoulda stayed with MJ and Jen.' The vigilante mock-sulked. '_They_ were renting movies. I could be ogling cute guys' butts instead of being exposed to this.. _torture!_'

Fortunately for Felicia, a taxi pulled up and every got inside. Simon gave the driver their destination and off they drove.

After a short while, Vision noticed that they were not heading in the correct direction.

'Umm, driver…' The synthezoid piped up. 'I believe we are going the wrong way…'

'Not for where we're going, bub.' The driver responded with a smirk as he wound up the screen that separated him from his passengers.

Vision tried to phase through the cab but ended up having several thousand volts shot through his systems, knocking him out. The others fared the same as they fell in to their seats, unconscious.

The cab driver just chuckled evilly as he continued to drive.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Simon woke up with a groan. What the hell had happened to him? The last thing that he remembered was sitting in a cab that was supposed to be taking him home to Avengers Mansion.

'Ooooh crap, what did I drink last night…?'A feminine voice groaned.

Simon opened his eyes to see a rather groggy Felicia Hardy struggling to sit up. And what was most unusual was that Felicia was dressed in her black fur-lined leather catsuit. Simon looked down at himself and noticed that he was dressed in his Avengers uniform.

'Okay…' Simon blinked. 'Weren't we just dressed in our party togs a minute ago?'

'Oh, for crying out loud…' Felicia hissed as she scratched her backside. 'Sand is a bitch to get out of this thing…'

Simon then looked down at the ground and noticed that they were on a beach somewhere.

'Please tell me we didn't get totally trashed and end up driving all the way the Aruba…' Simon groaned.

'I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, babe.' Felicia pointed out. 'I'm willing to bet that we've been kidnapped.'

'By who…?' Simon blinked.

'That, me dear little future victims, would be me…'

Simon and Felicia both spun around to see a giant TV screen floating in front of them. Some guy with red hair was grinning like a loon back at them.

'For those of you that have just tunedin, I am Arcade, your humble host. And you, my little chickadees, are going to be two of the first ever victims… _guests _of my new-and-improved Murderworld! Have fun, y'all!'

And with that, Arcade's image disappeared.

Simon and Felicia both looked at each other in confusion.

'Wasn't he dead…?' **(1)**

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: It's A Madhouse! A Madhouse!**

_With Wonder Man, the Vision, Warbird and Black Cat trapped in Murderworld, who will save them? The Sensational Squirrel Girl? Tune in next time to find out…_

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Arcade was killed by Scourge in _'Uncanny West Coast Avengers'_ Or was he...?_


	9. It's a Madhouse! A Madhouse!

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 9: It's a Madhouse! A Madhouse!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Murderworld-**

Carol Danvers woke up with a groan.

'Oh God. I hope I didn't have a relapse and end up going on a bender…' Carol groaned as she rubbed her eyes.

'You are not the victim of an alcoholic drinking spree.' A robotic voice explained. 'I believe we have been kidnapped.'

Carol blinked a few times as her vision adjusted to her surroundings. She was stranded in a clearing in the middle of nowhere. She was also surrounded by a forest of weirdly-shaped gnarled trees.

'That cab driver…' Carol began.

'Yes. He was our kidnapper.' The synthezoid Avenger known as the Vision nodded. 'I believe we are presently located in a place known as Murderworld.'

'Arcade…' Carol surmised. 'Just wait until I get my hands on that little freak…'

Carol then looked down at herself.

'Wait… Why am I in my Warbird gear?' Carol scratched her head in confusion.

'I have surmised that Arcade enlisted one of his lackeys to change our attire.' Vision deduced.

'It's all right for you, Vizh.' Carol sniffed. 'You can change your form at will. The damn pervs most probably saw me naked. I bet there are pictures plastered all over the internet by now…'

'Vengeance will have to wait, Warbird…' Vision told the blonde former Airforce cutie as he cocked his head as if he had just heard something. 'We are not alone…'

Carol looked up into the trees around them and saw many sets of beady yellow eyes leering back at her.

'Yeah, I kinda got that feeling…' Carol sighed.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Simon Williams and Felicia Hardy were running for their lives across the beach that they had woken up on. No sooner had Arcade finished his introduction, machine guns burst out from the ground and let rip. Simon barely had enough time to dive in front of Felicia to protect her from the hail of bullets with his invincible ionic form.

'You really know how to show a girl a good time, Simon.' Felicia huffed as she dove behind a palm tree at the beach's edge. 'What do you do for a second date? Give me a tour of Castle Doom?'

'I'm not sure this is the right time for jokes, 'Licia.' Simon panted as he leant against the tree and tried to regain his breath. 'We have to find Carol and Vizh.'

'That's if either of us** survives** this party.' Felicia grunted as she scratched her back. 'Damn catsuit. Leather and sand _so_ do not mix.'

'Makes me glad that I'm made out of ionic particles.' Simon remarked gratefully.

'So, what's the game plan?' Felicia inquired. 'Or are we just going to run through this gauntlet and hope for the best?'

'Well, I think that following the signs to the exit would be a good idea.' Simon told the ex cat-burglar as he indicated a big yellow sign above his head.

'That's exactly what Arcade wants us to do.' Felicia pointed out. 'We'd be walking into a trap!'

'And just what would you like us to do, sweetie?' Simon sighed. 'Go back onto the beach and get machine-gunned to death?'

Felicia just rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.

'Fine, let's go with your plan.' She huffed.

* * *

**Warbird and Vision-**

Carol's hands began to glow with unreleased energy.

'Wait... are those things… squirrels?' Carol blinked.

'It would seem so.' Vision nodded.

'A little unlike Arcade to send fluffy animals to kill his enemies.' Carol blinked.

'These are not mechanical constructs.' Vision pointed out. 'They are real squirrels.'

'Okay, so the guy's started to mind-control animals.' Carol shrugged.

'I do not believe these creatures are under Arcade's control.' Vision surmised. 'I have detected another individual nearby…'

Carol turned around as she heard a series of squeaks emanating from the tree right above her head. Much to her amazement, there was a human figure crouching in the branches above her head. The figure was a young brown-haired female dressed in a brown bodysuit with fuzzy white highlights, boots and claws. What was most unusual was the fact that the young girl had a bushy tail as well.

'It's all right…' The stranger explained. 'They won't hurt you. I've told them to stand back.'

Carol stepped back as the stranger leapt down from the tree to land in front of her. Carol could tell from the way the girl landed that she was injured: the girl was leaning heavily on her left leg.

'I'm Squirrel Girl, by the way.' The girl introduced herself, smiling sweetly. 'And you guys must be Avengers.'

'You learn quick, kid.' Carol nodded. 'I hope you don't mind us asking, but how did _you_ get dragged into this mess?'

'The last thing I remember was interrupting a mugging in Central Park.' Squirrel Girl remembered. 'Then… nothing.'

'We were kidnapped on a night out.' Carol sniffed. 'You must think lots of us, the World's Mightiest Heroes getting kidnapped like rank amateurs.'

'We all have our off days.' Squirrel Girl shrugged. 'Heck, even Iron Man does. I even rescued him from Dr Doom once.' **(1)**

'Yeah, we heard about that.' Carol chuckled slightly. 'Poor Shell Head. It wasn't his day.'

'You guys do have a plan, don't you?' Squirrel Girl asked with some concern.

Carol scratched the back of her neck in embarrassment.

'Umm, truthfully… No, I've drawn a blank.'

Squirrel Girl held her face in her hands.

'We are so screwed…'

* * *

**Wonder Man and Black Cat-**

Simon and Felicia had finally made their way off the beach and were now in some kind of weird maze.

'Oh, mazes.' Felicia groaned. 'Just lovely.'

'Not feeling claustrophobic, are you?' Simon asked.

'No.' Felicia shook her head. 'I just don't like mazes. I got lost in one as a kid.'

'I got lost in Wal-Mart once.' Simon pointed out. 'Okay, it was only a week ago, but still…'

'You suck, Simon.' Felicia snickered.

'Oh, just you wait until the next time you go into Wal-Mart.' Simon sniffed. 'Getting around isn't as easy as you think.'

'You can fly, though.' Felicia countered. 'Why didn't you just fly out of there?'

Simon cleared his throat nervously.

'Umm… because I was drunk?' He smiled innocently. Felicia dropped in astonishment. 'What? It was Wanda's birthday and we had a big party. I still can't remember how we ended up in Wal-Mart though…'

Felicia decided to change the subject.

'So, how do we get out of this maze?' Felicia asked. 'I don't think it's worth you flying us up there. Arcade's most probably got some kind of safeguard against that…'

'I could smash my way through the walls…' Simon suggested.

'Good plan.' Felicia grinned. 'Well? Don't just stand there, get smashing…'

Simon did as he was told and punched a hole through the maze wall.

'Well, go on…' Felicia ushered him onwards. 'Get on with it…'

Simon opened his mouth to reply but decided that he may as well get on with it. Simon popped his head through the wall and pulled it back in just as a giant axe came swinging past.

'Let's not go that way…' Simon pointed out with a wince.

* * *

**Warbird and Vision-**

Carol and Vision were flying through the forest. Squirrel Girl was hot on their heels as she leapt across the branches with her squirrel friends. They were being chased by chainsaw-wielding tree monsters.

'I knew this was too good to be true.' Carol groused as she turned around and blasted one tree monster into splinters. 'It was just too quiet.'

'Saying that everything is too quiet is a sure-fire way to jinx it.' Squirrel Girl quipped out as she leapt onto another tree monster and bit it, making the creature howl in pain.

'Blech. Splinters!' Squirrel Girl spat with a wince. 'Not to self: don't do that again.'

'We cannot keep this up forever.' Vision said as he phased his way through one more tree creature. 'These creatures will soon overwhelm us.'

'Then I think you two had better shield your eyes.' Carol instructed.

Vision and Squirrel Girl both did as they were told and covered their eyes as Carol took out the whole lot of tree creatures with a huge energy blast.

'Is it over?' Squirrel Girl opened one of her eyes cautiously. 'Are the tree monsters finished?'

'Not enough of them to make a toothpick.' Carol put her hands on her hips with a pleased grin.

'At least we have a clear path to the exit.' Vision noticed. 'We should depart before more of these creatures appear to take the place of their fallen comrades.'

'Sounds good to me.' Squirrel Girl nodded as she called her squirrel friends around her. 'The sooner we get out of here, the sooner I can eat. I lost my nut pouches in the battle.'

'Don't worry, kid.' Carol patted her young companion on the shoulder. 'Jarvis has got a whole barrel of nuts back at the mansion.'

Squirrel Girl looked at Carol in disbelief.

'You're actually letting me into Avengers Mansion?' She sputtered.

'I don't see why not.' Carol shrugged. 'You did good work out there. The Avengers need somebody just like you on the team. Hell, you beat up Dr Doom. Who apart from the Fantastic Four can honestly say that they've done that?'

'Are you sure that the others will let me join?' Squirrel Girl asked.

Carol just smirked at the girl.

'If not, we'll just tell the other Avengers about the time you saved Iron Man from Dr Doom.'

* * *

**Wonder Man and Black Cat-**

Simon and Felicia had found their way out of their maze without too many major injuries. They were now heading for a giant flashing exit sign.

'You do realise that this is most probably gonna be another trap, don't you?' Felicia pointed out. 'The whole place is one giant freakin' trap!'

'Did Spider-Man ever tell you that you are an insufferable pessimist?' Simon asked.

'Did the Scarlet Witch ever tell you that you have the cutest tush?' Felicia retorted with a cheeky smile.

'More often than not, yes she did.' Simon nodded. 'She often waxed lyrically about my tush.'

'Waxing lyrical?' Felicia frowned. 'What the heck does that mean?'

'I have no idea.' Simon admitted. 'I just like using big words.'

'Indubitably.' Felicia smirked.

Simon led Felicia on as the cautiously entered what could only be Murderworld's control room.

'Okay… This isn't right…' Felicia narrowed her eyes. 'Where's Arcade?'

'Gone for a pee?' Simon suggested.

'I don't like it…' Felicia continued. 'It's too quie-_mmf!_'

Simon quickly put his hand over Felicia's mouth.

'Don't even finish that sentence, 'Licia!' Simon hissed. 'Or you'll jinx it.'

Felicia just rolled her eyes.

The pair turned as one as a nearby door swooshed open.

'Whoa-whoa-whoa!' Carol hissed. 'It's us. Friends, remember?'

'Nice to see you guys got out of this place is one piece.' Felicia sighed. 'Not that we're actually out of here yet.'

'This is the control room, right?' Carol scratched her head. 'Then where the heck is Arcade?'

'I cannot detect his presence nearby.' Vision reported as his inbuilt sensors completed a scan of the room. 'Arcade has vacated the premises.'

'Does anybody hear that sound?' Felicia cocked her head. 'It sounds like… beeping.'

'It's a bomb!' Squirrel Girl yelled in realization.

The quintet of heroes dashed about as they tried to pinpoint the source of the beeping.

'I've got it!' Squirrel Girl called from her position under the control desk.

'You don't happen to have a degree in bomb diffusing, would you?' Felicia asked hopefully.

'No…' Squirrel Girl shook her head. 'But I have watched a lot of TV.'

Felicia groaned into her hands.

'We are so screwed…'

'Cut the red wire!' Carol instructed.

'No, the green wire!' Simon added.

'There isn't a green wire here!' Squirrel Girl retorted.

'I believe it is invariably the blue wire.' Vision contributed. 'At least in incendiary devices such as this.'

'Okay, I'm gonna cut the blue wire…' Squirrel Girl nodded.

'Cut it how?' Simon asked. 'We don't have any wire-cutters.'

'Then I guess I'll have to chew through the wires.' Squirrel Girl looked down at the bomb solemnly..

'Please tell me you're kidding.' Felicia said.

'I don't think she is kidding.' Carol shook her head. 'Chewing through the wires of a bomb. Heh. That's a change.'

The four Avengers held their breath. Well, the Avengers that could breathe held their breath, the Vision just waited patiently. One false move and they would all be blown to bits. Their lives were in the hands of Squirrel Girl now…

Simon reached out to hold Felicia's hand. Felicia looked back at him and bit her lip nervously. This was one of the most unusual dates that the vigilante known as Black Cat had ever been on, and she had dated Spider-Man!

'Done it!' Squirrel Girl breathed a sigh of relief as she popped her head out from under the control desk. 'We're safe.'

The Avengers all exhaled in relief. They could breathe again.

'Thank God for that…' Simon sighed. 'I think I need a new change of pants.'

'I'm not even wearing any.' Felicia added before looking around at her fellows' expressions. 'A little too much information?'

Carol just shook her head and helped Squirrel Girl to her feet.

'Well Squirrel Girl, you did great work back there. Kicking butt and defusing that bomb. So, if it's all right with you guys, I'd like to offer you a place in the Avengers.'

Squirrel Girl beamed happily.

'Omigosh! Are you for real? Can I really join the Avengers?'

'Yup.' Carol smiled.

Squirrel Girl bounced up and down excitedly.

'Omigosh! Omigosh! Omigosh! I'm gonna join the Avengers! Yay me! Woo-hoo!'

Felicia smirked at the sight and leant over to whisper to Simon.

'Well, I'd say that was a positive, wouldn't you?'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Welcome To The Avengers, We Hope You Survive…**

_Squirrel Girl's first mission with the Avengers is a doozy! Savage Land Mutates break the Lizard out of jail and lead the Avengers on a merry chase all the way to the Savage Land. Guest starring: Spider-Man!_

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Squirrel Girl saved Iron Man from Dr Doom in her first appearance, Marvel Superheroes #8: Winter Special._


	10. Welcome to the Avengers, We Hope You Sur

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 10: Welcome To The Avengers, We Hope You Survive**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Somewhere above the skies of Germany-**

Somewhere, high up in the skies of Germany, an AIM heli-carrier was carrying a very important cargo. AIM had just done the unthinkable: They had captured the Sensational Squirrel Girl!

'Herr Skull...' One AIM soldier saluted. 'The girl is waiting in the hold. She caused only minor trouble for our men.'

'And her male companion?' The Red Skull asked. 'What of him?'

'The young American... hero known as Speedball is presently standing in front of a firing squad, Herr Skull.' The soldier reported. 'Just give the command, and he shall be put to death.'

'Excellent.' The Red Skull steepled his fingers. 'My plan is almost complete.'

So sooner had the Red Skull said that, then sounds of a scuffle emanated from outside the command deck door.

Squirrel Girl burst through the door with her squirrel companion Tippy-Toe positioned atop her shoulders.

'Ah, Fraulein Squirrel Girl.' The Red Skull smiled evilly. 'I should have know that my soldiers would be no match for you. No matter. You have arrived to late too rescue your male companion.'

'What? Do you expect me to surrender?' Squirrel Girl struck a heroic pose.

'No.' The Red Skull shook his head. 'I expect you to... die!'

The Red skull then turned to one of his lackeys.

'Take her into the hold. Take ten minutes to explain all our plans. Then, throw her out of the heli-carrier!'

The lackey took out his gun and advanced on Squirrel Girl.

'Tippy-Toe, aim for the eyes!'

Squirrel Girl's squirrel companion nodded in understanding and leapt at the lackey.

'_SCREEEE!_'

The lackey flailed his arms about wildly as Tippy-Toe scratched at his face.

The control panel exploded with sparks as the lackey accidentally shot the control panel that kept the heli-carrier in the air.

'Fool!' The Red Skull snarled. 'You have killed us all!'

'You only have one chance left, Skull.' Squirrel Girl announced. 'Surrender while you still have a chance!'

'I think not, _fraulein._' The Red Skull sneered as he tapped a few commands into what remained of the control station. 'I have just activated the heli-carrier's self-destruct system. And now, I must bit you _auf wiedersehen._'

The Red Skull pulled on a parachute and leapt out of the heli-carrier. Squirrel Girl ran over to see the Skull's receding form gradually disappear.

'Aww, nuts.' Squirrel Girl hissed. 'He slashed all the other parachutes.'

'_Squee-chk-chk._' Tippy-Toe suggested.

Squirrel Girl met her squirrel companion's gaze with an eager grin.

'Sounds like fun.'

And with that, Squirrel Girl leapt out after her enemy.

Several feet down, the Red Skull cheered to himself as he saw the heli-carrier explode in a ball of fire.

'Oh, such a waste.' The Red Skull tutted as he slowly floated downwards on his parachute. 'You were such a worthy adversary, Squirrel Girl.'

'It's always nice to be liked.'

The Red Skull looked upwards to see Squirrel Girl plummeting down towards him.

Squirrel Girl grabbed hold of the parachute and struggled to unlatch it.

'_Nein! _What are you doing?' The Red Skull went for his gun. 'You will kill us both!'

Tippy-Toe launched herself at the Red Skull and bit down on his hand, making him drop the gun.

'Ach! Filthy animal!' The Red Skull hissed.

The Red Skull's eyes widened in fear as Squirrel Girl finally unlatched the clasp that held the parachute to him and put it on herself.

'_Curse you Squirrel Giiiiiiirrrlll..._' The Red Skull screamed as he fell down to the ground below.

On the ground below, several AIM soldiers had their guns aimed at the New Warrior known as Speedball. His days were numbered.

The lead soldier stepped up and began to bark commands.

'Ready... Aim... _AHHHHH!'_

The lead soldier found himself the victim of Tippy-Toe's rage.

'Ahh! My eyes! My eyes!'

The rest of the soldiers turned around, only to get knocked out by a swift kick courtesy of Squirrel Girl.

'Squirrel Girl!' Speedball gasped. 'My hero!'

Squirrel Girl released Speedball from his bonds and hopped onto an abandoned motorbike.

'Save the thanks for later, babe.' Squirrel Girl ordered. 'Now it's time for me to rescue you. And later, perhaps some snuggling.'

'What a girl!' Speedball swooned as he hopped on the bike behind Squirrel Girl.

Squirrel Girl started up the bike and zoomed off. Unfortunately, several more AIM soldiers hopped on motorbikes and sped after them.

'Tippy-Toe, do something about these losers, would you?'

'_Chk-chk_.' Tippy-Toe nodded as she pulled a gun out from a holster on the bike and opened fire on the pursuing soldiers.

_BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!_

'Hold on, Speedball...' Squirrel Girl ordered as she increased their speed. 'This ride's about to get a little bumpy!'

Squirrel Girl activated the bike's rocket boosters and let out a whoop of glee as they shot up into the air. The AIM soldiers weren't so lucky, as they collided with a wall and exploded in a giant fireball.

'Heh. I bet he was a sour Kraut.' Squirrel Girl quipped as the rocket bike flew through the air.

'Ooh, Squirrel Girl...' Speedball gushed. 'You are _sooo _dreamy. Please, marry me...' **(1)**

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the real world-**

_BLEEE! BLEEE! BLEEE!_

Squirrel Girl sat up straight with a yell.

'Waah! Whu...? Huzzah...?'

Squirrel Girl rubbed her bleary eyes. The whole thing with the Red Skull and Speedball had been a dream. And now some stupid alarm was blaring.

With a frustrated growl, Squirrel Girl tossed her Speedball bed sheets off her and walked to the door clad in her Speedball jammies.

'What's all the fuss about?' Squirrel Girl yawned.

'Didn't you hear the alarm?' She-Hulk asked as she stopped outside the door. 'There's been a mass break-out in the Raft!'

'That floating prison for mertahuman criminals?' Squirrel Girl remembered.

'The very same.' She-Hulk nodded. 'Now get ready, it's time for us to assemble!'

* * *

**Later-**

Squirrel Girl was fully awake now, and was sitting onboard the Quinjet with the rest of the Avengers as they sped towards the Raft.

'Okay, here's the situation people...' Captain America began. 'We don't know who the culprit is yet, but somebody has cut the power to the Raft. That includes the systems that keep the Raft's inmates locked in their cells. We have to contain this mess before anybody escapes and innocents are hurt.'

'Then why are we sitting on out butts doing nothing, Cap?' Black Cat rasied a white-gloved hand. 'Let's get down there and kick some butt!'

'I admire your exuberance, Cat...' Cap continued. 'But we mustn't go off half-cocked. She-Hulk, Wonder Man, and Spider-Man, you're with me. We're going to try and keep the inmates from escaping. Scarlet Witch, Black Cat and Squirrel Girl, you're with Iron Man. Your job is to rescue any civilians that have become trapped in all this mess. Everybody clear on their missions? Good. _AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!'_

_

* * *

_

**The Raft-**

The Raft was in a state of chaos. The inmates were running wild. Most of the guards were dead or seriously injured. Iron Man's group was trying their best to stem the flood of civilian casualties, but they were fighting a losing battle. The inmates were slaughtering everybody they came across!

Squirrel Girl had found herself separated from her group and had somehow found her way into the lower levels of the raft, where the most dangerous inmates were kept.

'Iron Man...' Squirrel Girl called into her wrist communicator. 'Iron Man, come in... Can you hear me?'

Squirrel Girl gave up the ghost.

'It's no use, Tippy-Toe...' Squirrel Girl shook her head. 'Something must be blocking my wrist communicator.'

Tippy-Toe reared up on her hind legs with a hiss.

'What is it, Tippy-Toe?' Squirrel Girl enquired. 'Who's there.'

'My, my, my. You _are_ a pretty one...' A suave, but evil voice complimented from the darkness. 'Granted, a little young for my tastes, but whenever has that stopped me.'

Squirrel Girl got ready for a fight as the stranger walke dout fo the shadows. the man was dressed in a bright orange prisoner's uniform, as you would expect for an inmate of the Raft. That wasn't what was unusual about the man, though. It was the fact that his skin and hair were bright purple. That's right, Squirrel Girl was talking to Zebediah Killgrave: The Purple Man!

Killgrave smirked to himself as he began to work his powers upon squirrel Girl.

'Now, why don't you be a nice, little girl and help me find my way out of this hellhole? Then, perhaps you'd be as nice as to kill yourself and your annoying friends...'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Riot on the Raft**

_Oh, no! Is Squirrel Girl done for? Will Squirrel Girl be able to beat the Purple Man? Will she even be able to find her way out of the cells? And which original Avenger is going to come to her rescue? Here's a clue: **IT'S THOR!**_

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Yes, the whole first segment was inspired (ripped off) by the Red Dwarf episode '_Stoke me a Clipper'.


	11. Riot on the Raft

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 11: Riot on the Raft**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**R-Man's Random Fact- **_Squirrel Girl's lips taste like hazelnut. Apparently..._

* * *

**The Raft-**

The Purple Man tapped his foot impatiently.

'Well...' The mind-controller scowled impatiently. 'I'm waiting. I ordered you to get me out of here. Now, do it!'

Squirrel Girl scowled at the supervillain standing before her.

'No.'

'Wha-what? What do you mean... _no?_' Purple Man spluttered in shock, his eyes wide. 'I order you to get me _out _of this hellhole!'

'The guards drugged you, so your powers of persuasion don't work. So, you're going to get back in your cell and wait for the rest of the Avengers to come and secure the area.' Squirrel Girl poked Purple Man in the chest.

'Get your filthy hands off me, you dirty mutie!' Purple Man swatted Squirrel Girl's hand away. '_I'm_ the one that gives the orders around here!'

Tippy-Toe ducked behind a fallen guard as she noticed that Squirrel Girl's eyes had started to twitch.

'Now, I like to think that I have an even temper...' Squirrel Girl advanced on Purple Man. 'So I'm going to give you one chance to apologise for calling me names.'

'I'm not going to apologise for anything, you damn mutie!' Purple Man sneered.

'Well, you can't say that I didn't warn you...' Squirrel Girl sighed.

'Oh, please.' Purple Man snorted in derision. 'You couldn't possibly do anything to hur...'

_POW!_

Purple Man's taunts were cut short as Squirrel Girl slugged him right on the chin, knocking him tot he floor.

'Ow.' Squirrel Girl hissed as she shook her hand. 'I think I broke something...'

'Squee-chk-chk-chk.' Tippy-Toe replied.

'Well, apart from his nose.' Squirrel Girl nodded. 'I've read the Avengers' files on this guy. He's supposed to be one of the worst of the worst. He didn't seem so bad to me. What do you think, Tippy-Toe?'

'Chk-chk.' Tippy-Toe shook her head in pity.

'Just wait until all the other villains find out that he was knocked out by a girl.' Squirrel Girl chuckled to herself as she tied up the unconscious Purple Man. 'Now we just need to find a way out of here...'

* * *

**Later-**

A short time later, Squirrel Girl and Tippy-Toe were still having no luck finding a way out. The pair froze in mid-step as they heard a growl coming from nearby.

'Uh-oh.' Squirrel Girl gulped nervously. 'I don't like the sound of that.'

'Chk-chk.' Tippy-Toe nodded.

'Rrrr. Fresh meat...'A voice growled eagerly. 'These freakin' rent-a-cops weren't no fun at all.'

Squirrel Girl began to back away in fear as a rather large figure began to stalk out of the shadows. There were many good reasons why Victor Creed was known as one of the most deadly mutants in the world. He certainly wouldn't have any qualms against killing Squirrel Girl, that was for certain.

'Hey, what's the rush, darlin'?' Sabretooth growled, flashing his deadly white teeth in an evil grin. 'Ain't ya gonna join me fer a party? These guards kinda broke.'

'D-don't come any nearer...' Squirrel Girl stammered fearfully. 'I-I know k-karate.'

'Ooh, lookit me.' Sabretooth snorted as he advanced on the scared heroine. 'I'm shakin' in my boots.'

'W-wait...' Squirrel Girl held up her hand sin protection. 'Do you hear that?'

'Don't gimmie that crap.' Sabretooth rolled his eyes. 'That kinda stuff never works.'

'No, really...' Squirrel Girl held her hands up in a protective gesture. 'It sounds like... thunder?'

'You ain't scared o' a little thunderstorm, are ya?' Sabretooth chuckled. 'C'mere, Uncle Vic'll protect ya.'

'I say thee nay, varlet!'

'Whut the frag?' Sabretooth growled angrily. 'Nobody interrupts my fun an' stays in one piece!'

'Stay thy hand, villain.' A shadow-cloak figure announced. 'Or feel Mjolnir's wrath!'

'And just who do ya think ya are talkin' like that, runt?' Sabretooth queried. 'You sound like Thor, or somethin'.'

'I didst try to warn you...' The stranger sighed. 'Thou hast forced me to resort to desperate measures.'

The shadowy figure then turned to Squirrel Girl.

'I wouldst advise thee to take cover. This may not be pretty...'

Squirrel Girl did as she was told and dove for cover as the shadowed figure lifted some kind of hammer into the air.

'Thunder, lightning, hear my command! Strike yon varlet down with thy might!'

Squirrel Girl squeezed her eyes tight as a lightning bolt blasting through the ceiling and struck Sabretooth square on the chest. The feral villain yelled in pain as he was electrocuted on the spot.

Once Squirrel Girl was sure that everything was over, she slowly stepped out from behind her cover.

'Art thou well?' Squirrel Girl's mysterious rescuer asked her gently as he held out his hand to help her. 'Didst yon varlet hurt thee at all?'

'N-No. I-I'm okay, I think.' Squirrel Girl took the offered hand gratefully. 'I-it was just a shock, really. I-I've never actually fought somebody like Sabretooth before.'

'Thou need not worry. Sabretooth is vanquished. Thou art safe.'

Then Squirrel Girl finally realised who her mysterious saviour was. It all added up. The command over lightning, the hammer called Mjolnir. Her saviour was none other than Thor himself!

Squirrel Girl cautiously poked the unconscious Sabretooth.

'Is he...?'

'Nay, Sabretooth is not dead.' Thor shook his head. 'His mutant body's ability to heal is muchgreater then an average mortal's. He wilt most probably have quite a headache in the morning.'

Squirrel Girl began to follow Thor out of the Raft's nether regions.

'Not that I don't appreciate you rescuing me or anything, but what brings you here? I thought you quit.'

'Aye.' Thor nodded. 'I didst resign as part of the Avengers. I didst believe that my godly duties in Asgard held precedence over paltry mortal matters.'

'Well, that isn't a very heroic point of view.' Squirrel Girl pointed out.

'Perhaps.' Thor conceded. 'That is why I have journeyed back to fair Midgard. As important as my godly duties are, I cannot deny that I have not missed my adventures here in Midgard.'

'Does that mean that you're hear to stay?' Squirrel Girl grinned. 'Cuz the mansion is starting to get a little overcrowded with all the new members joining.'

'Tis one of the mainstays of being an Avenger.' Thor nodded in understanding. 'It wouldst be good to meet thy new teammates.'

'Haven't you met Spider-Man and the Black cat?' Squirrel Girl asked.

'I doth know of Spider-Man's adventures.' Thor answered. 'And I hast worked with him on several occasions. I hast found him to be a most worthy warrior. Even if he doth rely a little too much upon jokes.'

'I think he's mean.' Squirrel Girl patted Tippy-Toe on the head. 'He stepped on Tippy-Toe's tail the other day and didn't even say sorry.' **(1)**

'Tippy-Toe is yon squirrel companion, correct?' Thor deduced.

'Yup.' Squirrel Girl nodded. 'Sorry for not introducing you. I was a little busy, what with hiding from Sabretooth and all.'

'Tis quite all right.' Thor nodded. 'Lesser men would have ran away at the first sign of trouble.'

'Oh, I'm not just any ordinary hero.' Squirrel Girl smiled proudly. 'I once beat Thanos single-handedly.'

'_Squee!_' Tippy-Toe reminded her.

'I had a little help as well.' Squirrel Girl added.

'Thanos, eh?' Thor gave her an impressed nod. 'Thou doth possess quite some Rogues gallery, Squirrel Girl. Hast thou ever faced Loki before?'

'I can't say that I have.' Squirrel Girl shook her head. 'But did you know that the Purple Man has a glass jaw?'

'Zebediah Killgrave?' Thor cocked a curious eyebrow. 'I wouldst never have imagined.'

'Oh yes.' Squirrel Girl chuckled. 'I knocked him out just around the corner.'

'Killgrave will never live it down.' Thor shook his head in shame. 'Being vanquished by a young girl... I didst not mean to insult thee...'

'None taken.' Squirrel Girl reassured the Thunder God. 'I guess he's another villain to add to my Rogues Gallery. I'm getting quite a collection.'

'And who knows what villain thou wilt face next?' Thor chuckled. 'I hear that Magneto and Apocalypse are free.'

Squirrel Girl laughed at the thought.

'I'll add them to my To Do List along with Galactus and Dracula.'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: The Not-Quite Winter Soldier**

_Somebody has been killing Captain America's closest friends and allies. Who would do such a thing? And how long will it be until they kill somebody that we actually care about? Tune in next time to find out..._

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Spider-Man stepped on Tippy-Toe's tail during an Avengers training session in _'Uncanny Spider-Man'.


	12. The Wrath of Kang: Part 1

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 12: The Wrath of Kang- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Author's Note- **_I am afraid that the upcoming parody of 'the Winter Soldier' arc will be postponed, as this little plot bunny wouldn't leave me alone. Serves me right for watching the second Star Trek movie..._

* * *

**R-Man's Random Fact- **_In _'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan' _Kirk and Khan never actually met face-to-face, all of their interaction was via the viewscreen of the Enterprise._

* * *

**Avengers Meteorite Monitoring Station-**

Amongst the belt of meteorites in-between the planets Mars and Jupiter was a monitoring station that the Avengers used as an early-warning system for any cosmic threats. You know the kind, Thanos questing for his latest addition to his jewellery collection, Skrull invasions, the usual. Unfortunately, nothing as fun as that was going on. For the three Avengers stationed in the monitoring station, it had been a very boring few days.

'I still do not understand your preoccupation with this childish game.' Moondragon, the bald-headed telepathic woman, stated evenly. 'We should keep our eyes upon the sensor readings. We cannot be caught unawares by an alien invasion, or Galactus looking for his next meal.'

'Oh, take that stick out of your butt and sit down.' Starfox, the handsome man from Titan with the ability to charm any woman he wished, grinned as he patted the seat beside him. 'Playing poker with just two people is no fun.'

'Gee, thanks a bunch, Eros.' The comically-powered hero known as Quasar rolled his eyes.

'You know what I mean, Wendell.' Starfox shook his head. 'I still don't see why Sam didn't join us.'

'At least _somebody_ takes their job seriously.' Moondragon muttered as she leviateted herself up towards the elevated seat in front of a bank of monitor screens.

No sooner had the bald-headed telepath taken her seat, then alarms began to blare all through the monitoring station.

Starfox and Quasar both jumped out of their seats to see what all the fuss is about.

'What it Titan's name is that thing?' Starfox gasped as he pointed to a giant warship that had just appeared on the monitor screen.

'We'd better patch in a call to Avengers Mansion.' Quasar stated as he punched commands into the nearby communications console. 'This is Quasar onboard the Asteroid Monitoring Station. This is a Priority One emergency! We have sighted an unknown alien warship. Possibly hostile. Cap! Iron Man! Wanda! Is anybody there? We need help. Quick!'

Quasar cursed under his breath as the communication console burst into static.

'Dammit! We're on our own.'

'The unidentified warship is powering up weapons.' Moondragon announced.

'We do have shields on this rock, don't we?' Starfox asked. 'Don't we?'

As if in answer to the alien charmer's queries, the giant warship opened fire on the Monitoring Station, knocking all of the Avengers to the floor. One of the monitors exploded, catching Moondragon right in the face.

'Damage status!' Quasar groaned as he got to his feet. 'Moondragon! How bad did that thing hit us?'

'Great Titan...' Starfox put his hand to his mouth. 'Moondragon... she's hurt pretty bad.'

Quasar looked at another monitor.

'The warship's powering up its weapon systems again. Brace yourself, Eros!'

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

The peaceful nighttime of the headquarters of the World's Mightiest Heroes was cut short as alarms began to blare all through the mansion.

As usual, Cap was the first one up. Wanda was close behind him. The Star-Spangled Sentinel almost collided with Jarvis on his way downstairs.

'Jarvis! What's the matter? Why have the alarms been set off?'

'It's the Meteorite Monitoring Station, sir.' The Avengers' loyal butler explained. 'I was going about my duties when the alarms alerted me to a distress signal. the message was a little distorted, but I gather that Quasar and the others are under attack!'

'Go and rouse the others, Jarvis.' Cap nodded in understanding. 'Tell them to meet me in the Quinjet Hangar. We don't have much time to lose!'

'You don't think that it's another alien invasion, do you, Steve?' Wanda asked as she hurriedly fixed her headdress as she followed him down the stairs.

'I'd rather not say just yet, Wanda.' Cap shook his head as he ran towards the elevator that would send them several floors downwards to the hangar where the Quinjets were kept. 'I'd rather keep my judgment to when we get up there and find out just what attacked the others.'

Wanda simply nodded and followed Cap into the elevator.

* * *

**The Quinjet, later-**

All of the other Avengers had been roused from their slumber and were gathered onboard the Quinjet.

'So, what's the what, Cap?' Black Cat asked as she concealed a yawn with a hand over her mouth. 'What's so urgent that you needed to wake me up from a dream about Orlando Bloom and some chocolate sauce?' Wonder Man and the Scarlet Witch looked at the former cat burglar with raised eyebrows while She-Hulk stifled a giggle.

'The Meteorite Monitoring Station that we use as an early-warning system for cosmic threats has been attacked by an unknown warship.' Cap explained. 'We don't know whether Quasar or the others are alive or not, so we have to go up there and investigate.

'You-you mean... go into... into _space?' _Squirrel Girl stammered, her voice heavy with concern. 'I-I've never even been into space.'

'Neither have I for that matter.' Black Cat added. 'Oh, man. I'm suddenly starting to get a really bad feeling about this.'

'Hey, space travel isn't all that bad, Cat.' Spider-Man reassured his friend, remembering his own jaunts into space. 'Sure, it takes a little while for your stomach to settle down after the initial launch, but apart from that, it's all smooth sailing.'

'Somehow, I'm not filled full of enthusiasm.' Black Cat grimaced.

'Squee-chk-chk.' Tippy-Toe, Squirrel Girl's squirrel companion squeaked.

'Neither is Tippy-Toe.' Squirrel Girl translated. 'Isn't there some way that we could back out of this?'

'Afraid not, Squirrel Girl.' Iron Man announced from his position in the pilot's seat. 'I've already begun the launching procedure.'

'Hey, don't worry so much, kiddo.' She-Hulk patted Squirrel Girl on the shoulder. 'Just think of it as a normal plane flight. Except, y'know, we're going into space.'

'It's a pity that Thor couldn't be here.' The heroine formerly known as Warbird added. she was now going by her old superhero name of ms Marvel. 'We could have benefited from his strength.'

'It's not as if we're running low on powerhouses, Carol.' Wonder Man countered. 'Just look at who we've got. There's me and you, Shell-Head and Shulkie.'

'I'd still feel a little better if we had a Thunder God or two on our side.' Ms Marvel shook her head.

'What's the matter, Carol?' Wanda asked concernedly. 'Are you okay?'

'Oh, I'm fine, Wanda.' Ms Marvel answered. 'It's just that my trips into space have never ended all that well.'

'Everybody hold on tight.' Iron Man announced from the front of the Quinjet. 'Because we're about to take off...'

* * *

**The meteor belt between Mars and Jupiter-**

'Wait. That can't be right...' Iron Man frowned underneath his armoured faceplate. 'My coordinates say that the Monitoring Station should be right here.'

'All I see is more meteorites.' Wanda confirmed with a nod. 'Wait... You don't think that whatever attacked the Monitoring Station could have destroyed it, could you?'

'It certainly looks that way, Wanda.' Cap nodded. 'Tony, are your sensors detected any life signs? Are Quasar and the others still alive out there?'

'I pretty much doubt it, Cap.' Iron Man shook his head. 'If they weren't killed when the Monitoring Station was destroyed, then they would have died from asphyxiation when they were blasted into space.'

'Dammit!' Cap punched the control panel in anger. 'I don't need any more Avengers dying! Keep on scanning. I want to know for sure that Quasar and the others are out there.'

'Um... hey...' Spider-Man piped up. 'I don't mean to ask a stupid question, but since when was there another moon?'

She-Hulk narrowed her eyes as she looked out of the window.

'That isn't any moon! That's some kind of warship! That must be the same thing that destroyed the Monitoring Station!'

'Tony, get ready for an attack.' Cap ordered. 'Full power to the shields!'

'I don't think that'll be necessary, Cap.' Iron Man shook his head. 'We're caught in a tractor beam.'

'Full power to the reverse thrusters then!' Cap countered.

'That might work. If I wanted us to blow us all to kingdom come.' Iron Man stated. 'We just don't have that kind of power, Cap. The Quinjet couldn't stand that kind of pressure!'

'Is it me, or does anybody else feel like we're stuck in an episode of Star Trek?' Spider-Man quipped.

'Such a suggestion is highly illogical.' Wonder Man quipped in return.

'_Guys!_' Black Cat hissed. 'How can you joke at a time like this? We're about to be captured by God knows what kind of alien beings and you're making the funny?'

'Gallows humour is all, 'Licia.' Wonder Man smiled innocently.

'Yeah.' Spider-Man added. 'We'd go nuts if we didn't make the funny. Well, at least I would.'

'Everybody keep it down, back there.' Cap announced. 'Something's coming in on the comm-line.'

'Well, well, well. It is such a pleasure to meet you again, Captain.'

Cap noticed the blue-armoured face straight away.

'Kang!'

'Oh, I'm glad that you remember me.' The world-conquering time-traveller known as Kang the Conqueror smiled. 'As you will have undoubtably found out by now, your primitive little craft cannot escape from my battleship's tractor beam. Now, please do be cooperative while you are pulled into the landing bay. I don't want you messing up my beautiful new battleship.'

'Kang, what has happened to Quasar and the others?' Cap demanded to know.

'Oh, I couldn't tell you that.' Kang chuckled evilly. 'It would spoil the surprise.'

And with that, Kang cut off communication.

'Dammit, no!' Cap punched the control panel in anger, this time making cracks appear in the monitor screen. '_KAAAAAANG!_'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: The Wrath of Kang- Part 2**

_What is Kang up to this time? What has happened to the Avengers onboard the Monitoring Station? And what of Cap and the others? How will they be able to escape? Tune in next time to find out..._


	13. The Wrath of Kang: Part 2

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 13: The Wrath of Kang- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

**&&&&&**

**Somewhere off in Space-**

Captain America and the rest of the Avengers were being led through the maze of corridors in Kang the Conqueror's space station. The warrior from the far future had arrived in our galaxy and had destroyed the Avengers' meteorite monitoring station. Cap had led the Avengers up into space in an attempt to rescue any survivors. Unfortunately, their Quinjet had been caught by a tractor beam from Kang's space station and had been pulled inside.

'We're not going to just go along with this, are we?' Black Cat grumbled as she walked along the shiny grey corridor. 'We're just going to hand ourselves in to the villain? Just like that?'

'There's no need for any unnecessary violence.' Cap told the former cat-burglar. 'What if one of Tony's repulsor blasts or one of Carol's energy blasts smashed a bulkhead? We'd all be sucked out into space.'

'Point.' Black Cat conceded. 'But you do have a plan, don't you?'

'I'm working on it.' Cap smiled at the leather-clad heroine. 'Just give me some time.'

One of the guards tapped some commands into a pad near a door.

'You will wait here until Kang is ready to see you.' The guard instructed. 'The females will be kept in a separate cell.'

Cap did as he was told and entered the cell. Iron Man, Wonder Man, and Spider-Man followed suit. The guard locked the door and went to deal with the women.

Spider-Man sat down on a bunk with a heavy sigh.

'Well, this is just ducky. My first space journey in ages and I end up getting imprisoned. Do you know what happens to handsome young men like me in a place like this? They usually end up becoming somebody's bitch.'

'Don't fret, Spidey.' Wonder Man reassured the wall-crawler. 'Cap's got a plan. Right?'

Cap wasn't listening, he was to busy trying to think of a way out.

**&&&&&**

**The women's cell-**

Over in the women's cell, She-Hulk paced about nervously.

'Well, this is just _magnificent!_' The Jade Giantess threw her arms up in the air in exasperation. 'This is precisely why I never like to go on space journeys! we always get captured!'

'Just think yourself lucky...' Ms Marvel told her friend. 'We could be in the clutches of the Brood.'

'Don't worry so much, everybody.' The Scarlet Witch reassured her cellmates. 'We're not dead just yet.'

'I'll say!' Squirrel Girl piped up with a hopeful grin. 'We're Avengers! There's no way that Kang can keep us locked up here!'

'I wish I shared your optimism, kid.' She-Hulk shook her head. 'But look at us, we're stuck. These walls are made out of some alien metal that even i can't smash myself out of.'

'And I dare not try to hex my way out in case I smash a bulkhead.' The Scarlet Witch added.

'Tippy-Toe will save us.' Squirrel Girl told them. 'I'm sure of it.'

'Oh, that's just super.' She-Hulk rolled her eyes. 'We're trusting our safety to a dancing rodent.'

'Tippy-Toe is more than a dancing rodent, She-Hulk.' Squirrel Girl stuck up for her squirrel companion. 'Tippy-Toe is my best friend in the whole wide world. She even helped me defeat Thanos!'

**&&&&&**

**Elsewhere-**

Squirrel Girl's claims were more than just blind faith. Tippy-Toe was indeed on her way to rescue her human friends.

The little grey squirrel popped out of a vent shaft where she had been hiding ever since the Avengers had been captured. Tippy-Toe made sure that no guards were nearby before skittering over to the cells where the Avengers were being held.

Tippy-Toe clambered up the side of the cell door and looked at the control pad. There wasn't enough time to try and decode the pad. Kang might be along soon to execute her human friends.

Tippy Toe pried the control pad open with her claws and started to nibble at the wires within. Hopefully she wouldn't end up getting electrocuted in the process.

Tippy-Toe breathed a sigh of relief as the cell doors swooshed open.

'See? What did I tell you?' Squirrel Girl grinned triumphantly. 'I knew that Tippy-Toe would come through for us!'

Tippy-Toe leapt into her human companion's arms and snuggled up close.

'So, what's the plan now, Boss Man?' Spider-Man turned to Cap. 'Busting us out undoubtably raised some kind of alarm.'

'We'll split into two groups...' Cap began. 'Wanda, Simon, Felicia, and Jen are with me. We're going to find the Falcon and the other Avengers that were on the monitoring station when it was destroyed. Shell-Head, you take Carol, Doreen, and Peter to go find Kang.'

'Just the four of us against Kang?' Spidey frowned underneath his mask. 'Isn't that a little like... suicide?'

'Not when I'm with you, Spidey.' Squirrel Girl smiled. 'I beat up Dr Doom, the Mandarin, _and _Thanos!'

'So you keep on saying.' Spidey sighed heavily.

'Let's get to it, people.' Cap ordered. 'We've got Avengers to save, and villains to fight! _Avengers assemble!_'

**&&&&&**

**The security centre, later-**

Cap poked his head around a corner and signalled for his four teammates to stay still.

'Stay where you are, everybody.' Cap told them. 'There are several guards in around the security console. It shouldn't be too hard to beat them.'

Cap held out his shield and threw it towards the guards. The star-spangled shield ricocheted off the walls, knocking all of the guards out.

'Well, that kinda spoilt the fun.' Black Cat tutted as she and the other Avengers followed Cap onwards. 'I wanted to kick some butt.'

'This isn't fun, Cat.' Cap told her. 'This mission is deadly serious.'

'I think I've found the Falcon and the others!' The Scarlet Witch called from her position beside a bank of monitors. 'Look!'

Cap breathed a sigh of relief once he say that the missing Avengers were alive and well. He could see them in their respective cells. The Falcon was pacing about impatiently. Moondragon was sitting cross-legged on her bunk meditating. Starfox was lying down on his bunk talking with Quasar.

Wonder Man and She-Hulk jumped in surprise as a burst of static came from one of the unconscious guards' comm-links.

'Guard Alpha-Three, report in! Guard Alpha-Three, do you receive me?'

Without even thinking, Wonder Man picked up the guard's comm-link and spoke into it.

'This is Guard Alpha-Three reporting in...'

'What took you so long, Alpha-Three?' The voice demanded. 'Do you require assistance?'

'Uh... Negative.' Wonder Man replied nervously. Uh... Everything is under control. Situation normal. Uh... We had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything is perfectly alright now. We're all find here now, thank you. How are you?'

'A squad is being sent up.'

'Uh... negative.' Wonder Man replied. 'We have a, uh... reactor leak here. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. uh... Large leak. Very dangerous.'

'Wait, who is this?' Security Command demanded. 'What is your operating number?'

Wonder Man looked about desperately for something to do in response. In desperation, he threw the comm-unit against the wall, breaking it.

'Boring conversation anyway.' Wonder Man muttered before turning to the other Avengers. 'Guys! We're gonna have company!'

'Real smooth, Simon.' She-Hulk shook her head.

Wonder Man shot the Jade Giantess a glare.

'I didn't see you helping.'

'Keep it down, you two!' Cap ordered them as he and the Scarlet Witch tried to free the captured Avengers. 'We have to get the Falcon and the others free before reinforcements arrive.'

Wanda hexed her way into one of the cells.

'I hope Tony and the others are having better luck that we are...'

**TBC...**

**&&&&&**

**Next: The Wrath of Kang- Part 2**

_Squirrel Girl Vs Kang the Conqueror. 'Nuff said!_


	14. The Wrath of Kang: Part 3

**The Uncanny Young Avengers**

**Chapter 14: The Wrath of Kang- Part 3**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Are you sure it is time for a colourful metaphor?'_

* * *

**Kang's space station-**

Squirrel Girl flattened herself against the wall as alarms started to blare thought the space station. It looked like Captain America and his team were successful in rescuing the Avengers that Kang had captured after destroying the Meteorite Monitoring Station.

'Well, I guess that Cap and the others did their part.' Spider-Man noted as he shifted his weight up on the ceiling. 'Now we just need to find Kang.'

'Way ahead of you, Spidey.' Iron Man answered. 'My suit's in-built computer has been communicating with the station's own computer system ever since we escaped from the cells. The station's computer is surprisingly chatty...'

'Does it know where Kang is?' Ms Marvel asked.

'Is Wolverine overrated?' Iron Man chuckled. 'Kang is holed up in the command deck.'

Spider-Man pinched the bridge of his nose.

'Let me guess, we have to fight our way up umpteen levels to go kick his butt, right?'

Iron Man smirked behind his golden faceplate.

'Would you have it any other way?'

* * *

**Several levels upwards-**

Quite surprisingly, the Avengers faced little opposition on their way up to the command deck. Most of the soldiers on board seemed to be concentrating on Cap's team.

'I don't like this...' Ms Marvel narrowed her eyes in suspicion. 'It's far too quiet.'

'Gift horses.' Spidey quipped. 'What did you expect, anyway? A huge multi-chapter battle between us and hoards of alien soldiers?'

A vent shaft beside Squirrel Girl opened up and Tippy-Toe jumped down onto her shoulder.

_'Chk-chk chk-chk.'_ The little grey squirrel squeaked excitedly.

'What is it, Lassie? Timmy trapped down a well again?' Spidey joked.

'Tippy-Toe's found the main control room.' Squirrel Girl translated for her furry companion. 'It's not very far away. Unfortunately, it's heavily guarded.'

'That won't be a problem for us.' Iron Man exclaimed. 'We've made it this far. There's no point in turning back now.'

'Damn straight!' Ms Marvel nodded in agreement. 'We'll teach Kang that Earthlings don't take kindly to their planet being invaded!'

* * *

**The Command Deck-**

Kang the Conqueror paced along the length of the control deck, his expression imperceptible behind his blue armoured faceplate. His plans for revenge seemed so perfect: Destroy the Avenger's Meteorite Monitoring Station. Captain America would inevitably come to rescue his captured teammates.

'Where is Captain America now?' Kang asked the nearest technician.

'Level thirty-two.' The technician answered quickly. 'Five levels below us. But that is not all... I have lost contact with Patrol Seven-C.'

Kang leant forward to peer at the technician's computer screen. It wasn't a communications fault that caused the patrol group to lose contact. It must have been a second group of Avengers.

'I can see you, Captain...' Kang frowned suspiciously. 'But where is Iron Man?'

As if in answer to Kang's queries, the door to the control room exploded open, sending several technicians flying into the air.

'Open fire!' Kang commanded his guards. 'I want the heads of the fools that would dare invade my command ce... Oog!'

Kang words were cut short as he was hit in the mouth by a ball of webbing.

'If your mother and I told you enough times, use your _inside_ voice!' Spider-Man scolded the would-be conqueror as he and the other Avengers stormed the command deck

Several guards opened fire on Iron Man, only to be knocked back by a repulsor blast. More guards made the mistake of attacking Ms Marvel. The energy manipulating heroine simply melted their weapons with a photon blast from her hands.

Squirrel Girl leapt into the air and kicked the guns out of the hands of another pair of guards. She then followed that up with a nifty roundhouse kick in mid-air that laid both guards out flat. Beside her, Spider-Man sent out two weblines to the pair of guards on either side of him. He gave the weblines a yank and pulled the two guards together, their heads colliding with a nasty-sounding thump.

'Give up now, Kang!' Squirrel Girl ordered the would-be conqueror from the future. 'Don't make this any more painful than it already is!'

'Ah, Squirrel Girl...' Kang nodded in appreciation. 'I have heard so much about you. You are legendary in my time. Several planets worship you as a goddess.'

'Don't listen to him, Squirrel Girl...' Iron Man warned the young heroine. 'Kang's only trying to distract you.'

'It's okay, Iron Man.' Squirrel Girl responded. 'I'm not scared of somebody like him. I've seen Jarvis unblock scarier stuff from the sink.'

Squirrel Girl turned to Kang with a determined glare.

'Kang the Conqueror, I challenge you to combat!'

A gasp of surprise rose from both Kang's lackeys and the other Avengers. Squirrel Girl wasn't serious, was she?

A smile slowly spread across Kang's face.

'Heh. I always wondered whether I would be able to defeat the mighty Squirrel Girl. I guess I am about to find out.'

'_Chk-chk-squee!'_ Tippy-Toe warned her human friend.

'It's fine, Tippy-Toe.' Squirrel Girl reassured her furry companion. 'I can handle this. Don't you worry.'

Tippy-Toe hopped off Squirrel Girl's shoulder to land on Spider-Man's outstretched hand.

'You go kick his butt!' The Wall-Crawler told her. 'I'll take care of Tippy-Toe.'

Squirrel Girl stepped up towards Kang.

'If I win, you will leave the Earth and let us walk out of here without any trouble...' Squirrel Girl demanded.

'And if _I _win, you will stay here as my prisoners.' Kang countered.

'Agreed.' Squirrel Girl nodded.

'Ready?' Kang asked.

'Ready.' Squirrel Girl nodded.

And with that, the fight began. Kang was the first to attack as he aimed a punch at Squirrel Girl's head, but she quickly ducked out of the way and swept Kang's feet out from under her. Kang quickly got back up to his feet and tried to stamp on Squirrel Girl's tail, only to be kicked in the chest.

Ms Marvel looked at the other Avengers, her concern obvious.

'Shouldn't we stop this?' She asked. 'Squirrel Girl could be seriously hurt.'

'Let's wait and see what happens before we leap in...' Iron Man told her. 'Squirrel Girl is tougher than she looks.'

'You should know.' Spidey teased the golden Avenger. 'Weren't you the one that she saved from Doctor Doom?'

'I can't really remember...' Iron Man lied.

Back with the fight, Squirrel Girl somersaulted onto the back of a technician's chair, tipping the guy backwards. Kang stumbled over the fallen chair and fell to the floor.

'Do you give up?' Squirrel Girl asked as she leant over the fallen Kang. 'You're making a fool out of yourself.'

'I will _never_ submit!' Kang snarled as he leapt to his feet again. 'Not even with my dying breath!'

Squirrel Girl tried to take Kang down with another roundhouse kick, only for her foe to grab her foot.

'Your moves are predictable.' Kang tutted as he tightened his grip on Squirrel Girl's leg. 'Your predictability will be your undoing.'

'You talk too much.' Squirrel Girl retorted.

_Snikt!_

Kang's eyes widened in shock and surprise as Squirrel Girl plunged her knuckle spikes into his chest.

'_Gkkt..._' Kang croaked, a slither of bloody spittle falling out of his mouth.

_Snakt!_

Squirrel Girl retracted her knuckle spikes, letting Kang fall to the floor.

The Avengers all looked at each other with dumbstruck expressions. Spider-Man was the first to talk.

'Is he...?'

'Not quite.' Iron Man shook his head. 'My sensors tell me that Squirrel Girl's knuckle spikes narrowly missed Kang's heart.'

Ms Marvel walked forward to address Kang's lackeys.

'Your leader has been defeated!' The former Air Force ace announced. 'If you want to see him live, you had better get him some immediate medical attention.'

Medics rushed to Kang's side to try and do what they could for their fallen leader. The Avengers quickly strode out of the command centre.

* * *

**Hangar Bay-**

Iron Man's team didn't find any resistance as they made their way down to the hangar bay where the Quinjet was being held. Kang's people kept their side of the deal. Squirrel Girl had beaten their leader, so the Avengers were allowed to leave without any further trouble.

The quartet of heroes increased their pace as they saw Captain America beckoning to them from the doorway of the Quinjet.

'What happened?' The Star-Spangled Sentinel wondered, obviously slightly puzzled. 'One moment we were up to out knees in soldiers, the next they fled with their tails between their legs.'

'Squirrel Girl happened.' Iron Man responded as he clambered into the Quinjet.

'Ah, I see.' Captain America nodded in understanding. 'Buckle yourselves in, everybody. We're leaving.'

Squirrel Girl did as she was told and buckled herself into her seat beside Quasar and the other Avengers that Cap's team had liberated from the cells.

'Wow. You really beat up Kang on your own?' The cosmically-powered hero blinked in astonishment. 'Man, that's something...'

'It's all in a day's work, really.' Squirrel Girl smiled modestly. 'Hey, does anybody know where Thanos lives? I fancy a rematch!'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Who Likes Hazelnut?**

_Squirrel Girl's beloved Speedball is going to appear live on television at a concert in Central Park . So, she drags Thor, She-Hulk, and Spider-Man along with her. Will Squirrel Girl actually get to meet the man of her dreams, or will the Sinister Six make short work of him? Tune in next time to find out..._


	15. Who Likes Hazelnuts?

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 15: Who Likes Hazelnut?**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Oh Lisa, you and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.'_

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

It was breakfast time at the home of the World's Mightiest Heroes. One of the team's newest, and youngest members, was just getting up. Doreen Green, aka the Sensational Squirrel Girl, sat up in bed, complete with a Speedball duvet cover, and stretched her arms with a groan. Doreen must have slept wrong, because she had a stiff neck that just wouldn't go away.

Doreen ran her hand through her messed up hair, slipped on her fluffy Speedball slippers, and trudged across her Speedball rug to the bathroom to get ready for the day ahead of her. Evildoers wouldn't stay in just because she had a stiff neck. Tippy-Toe, Doreen's squirrel companion, just sat on her haunches and watched her human friend go about her morning ritual. The little grey squirrel had been up for an hour or two already.

Once Doreen had showered and cleaned her teeth, she walked back into her bedroom with her Speedball towel wrapped around her. Doreen leant down in front of her life-size Speedball poster hanging on the wall and searched through her closet for some clean clothes. She selected a Speedball t-shirt and a pair of jeans, specially manafactured for her tail.

'Well, I'm ready.' Doreen nodded in approval as she stood up straight, and looked herself over in the mirror. 'What about you, Tippy-Toe?'

_'Chk-chk._' The grey squirrel squeaked in response.

Doreen was about to head out of the door when she remembered something that she had to do.

'Oh, I've got to give Robbie a kiss for good luck...'

The squirrel-like mutant girl quickly dashed over to the life-size cardboard Speedball cutout standing beside her closet and planted a quick kiss on its lips.

_'Squee-chk-chk._' Tippy-Toe rolled her eyes.

'I am _not_ obsessed with Robbie!' Doreen frowned at her squirrelly chum. 'I just like him... a lot.'

Tippy-Toe shook her furry little head and hopped onto Doreen's shoulder. The little squirrel would never understand why her human companion was so enchanted with this Speedball person.

* * *

**Downstairs-**

Doreen walked into the dining room and saw that the rest of the Avengers were sitting around the table eating their respective breakfasts. Captain America was sitting next to the Scarlet Witch and buttering some toast. Tony Stark was stirring some cream into his coffee. Thor was eating what seemed to be a whole mountain of bacon. She-Hulk was pouring a jug of maple syrup all over a stack of pancakes. Wonder Man was pouring some milk into his own patented cereal, Wonder-O's, or something like that. Black Cat was mopping up some tomato juice with a slice of bread. Peter Parker and his wife Mary Jane were feeding their little daughter May Junior.

'Oh, Doreen...' Cap looked up from his toast. 'I'm glad you could join us. I was just about to start the mail call.'

'If they're bills, I don't wanna know.' Peter grimaced at the thought. 'You'd think that I wouldn't get any more bills now that I live in the mansion, but _noooo_. It seems like the IRS has other ideas.'

'Just be quiet and eat your breakfast.' Mary Jane instructed her husband as she pushed a slice of toast into his open mouth. Peter shot the redhead a glare, and she playfully stuck her tongue out at him in return.

Doreen took a seat as Cap began to deal out the morning's mail.

'Here's Jen's monthly subscription to Gigantic Asses... Not that I think that it is appropriate reading material for the breakfast table...

'Hey, can I take a look at that?' A grinning Simon joked, getting an elbow in the side from Felicia. 'What?'

'A-heh-heh...' She-Hulk blushed as she snatched the magazine away. 'It's for a legal case I'm on, really...'

'Free sample of Lemon Fresh washing liquid for Peter...' Cap continued.

'Mmm, lemony...' Peter grinned eagerly.

And finally, I think this is for you, Doreen...' Cap handed the squirrelly heroine a small envelope.

'Open it! Open it!' Wonder Man implored her. 'C'mon, the suspense is killing us!'

'Aye, pray open yon letter.' Thor nodded, waving a greasy fork in Doreen's direction. 'I for one am most curious to see what news yon envelope doth contain.'

Doreen did as she was told and slowly opened the envelope. Her eyes widened in surprise as she realised what the envelope contained. Doreen's jaw dropped, and she started to hyperventilate.

'Doreen, what's wrong?' Wanda asked curiously. 'Is everything okay?'

'I always told her to chew those Brazil nuts instead of just guzzling them down.' Peter quipped. That earned him an elbow in the ribs from his wife.

'Well...?' Felicia grinned excitedly. 'What's the news? Oh God, it isn't a freaky letter from one of your fans, is it? Y'know, where they've sent you a picture of them in the nude?'

'You say that like you have prior experience.' Mary Jane smirked.

'Says the woman who was once kidnapped by a psycho millionaire trying to make him his wife.' Felicia shot back.

'Why did everybody automatically look at me when she said psycho millionaire?' Tony piped up.

'Anybody who's read Civil War will get the joke.' She-Hulk explained.

'Civil What-Now?' Wonder Man blinked in confusion.

'Oh, _riiiiight..._' She-Hulk smacked herself up the head in realisation. 'I don't do the Fourth Wall thing any more. Never mind. Carry on.'

Doreen rubbed her eyes. She could barely believe what she was seeing.

'You know that competition that I entered?' She asked. 'You know, the one in the Daily Bugle.'

'Oh, yes...' Peter snorted bitterly. 'So well known for quality news reporting. Not at all biased.'

'Wasn't that the one where you could win tickets for some concert in Central Park?' Felicia remembered, putting a finger on her chin.

'Which just so happens to have a certain New Warrior as a special guest.' Wanda smiled. She knew where this was going.

'I've won!' Doreen exclaimed excitedly as she held up several tickets. 'I've won tickets for myself and four friends.'

'Well, as your legal counsel, I advise you to take me.' She-Hulk proclaimed.

'Jen, do you have no shame at all?' Wanda rolled her eyes.

'Have you seen some of the stuff she used to wear?' Wonder Man responded.

'Never mind.' Wanda nodded in understanding.

'Oh, gosh!' Doreen gasped breathlessly. 'I have to get ready! I have to choose which clothes to wear!'

The rest of the Avengers watched as Doreen dashed out the door and headed upstairs to get ready. Cap was the first one to break the silence.

'...She does know that the concert isn't for a week, right?'

* * *

**A week later-**

Doreen and her chosen guests were all gathered amongst the throng of people in Central Park as they waited for the concert to begin. Doreen had decided to put She-Hulk out of her misery and let her come along. Thor, Peter, and Wanda had come along as well.

Wanda had cast a spell to disguise the five heroes from anybody that might recognise them. Having a Thunder God and a great big green woman amongst the crowd would have caused quite a stir.

Doreen fidgeted impatiently. What was taking so long?

'Calm down, Doreen.' Wanda reassured the young heroine. 'I'm sure there's a reason for the delay.'

'What if the concert's been cancelled?' Doreen asked fearfully. 'Oh gosh, what if something has happened to Robbie?'

'Thou doth worry too much, Doreen.' Thor chipped in. 'There is often a delay for yon gatherings like this. Perhaps there is an electrical fault.'

'Uh, guys...' Peter piped up. 'Not that I wanna add to the situation, but... my Spider-Sense is tingling!'

Peter's Spider-Sense proved correct as a figure dressed in a blue-and-orange costume was thrown through the stage in front of them.

'Robbie, no!' Doreen yelled.

'I knew this concert was going too quietly.' She-Hulk sighed as she saw several figures follow Speedball through the ruined stage.

'People of New York, the Sinister Six's business does not concern you. The all-too familiar form of Doctor Octopus demanded as he grabbed Speedball with one of his mechanical arms. 'Do not involve yourself and you will not be harmed.'

'Speak for yourself, Doc! I came here for a little bit of fun.' Electro retorted as he hovered nearby.

'And what's more fun that giving these peasants a fright?' The Vulture agreed as he came to a landing in a nearby tree.

'Besides, there may be money to be made here.' Hobgoblin added his two cents as he rubbed his hands in glee atop his Goblin Glider.

'Do you think about anything _other _than money, Kingsley?' The Master of Illusion known as Mysterio sighed.

'Be silent...' Kraven the Hunter frowned as he sniffed the air. 'We are not alone. I can sense... _Spider-Man!_'

'Nertz.' Peter grimaced. 'It looks like it's party time.'

Wanda removed the enchantment from the five Avengers, now making them appear in their 'business clothes'.

Squirrel Girl took it upon herself to lead the charge against the Sinister Six.

_'Avengers: Assemble!_'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: The Avengers Vs the Sinister Six**

_Will Doreen and her friends be able to defeat Doctor Octopus and the Sinister Six? What about Speedball? Is he okay? Tune in next time to find out..._


	16. The Avengers Vs The Sinister Six

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 16: The Avengers Vs The Sinister Six**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'I wish there was a superheroes' **union** somewhere---'cause if there **was**, I'd make sure a fella gets **time-and-a-half** for tackling a joker with **four metal arms!**'_**- Spider-Man (The Amazing Spider-Man #3)**

* * *

**Central Park-**

_'Avengers Assemble!'_ Squirrel Girl yelled as she leapt in to fight Doctor Octopus and his fellow members of the Sinister Six.

'No offence or anything...' Spider-Man began as he shot out a webline and swung towards the fight. 'But, since when have the Avengers _ever_ taken orders from a teenager with a fluffy tail?'

'Doth thou _really_ wish to upset her?' Thor countered as he began to swing his enchanted hammer Mjolnir above his head. 'Yon teenager with a fluffy tail didst once make the mad Titan Thanos cry like a baby.'

'Now I _know_ that you guys're kidding.' Spidey snorted as he somersaulted over Kraven the Hunter's head. 'Squirrel Girl and _Thanos?_ **_Please!_'**

'It's true.' The Scarlet Witch confirmed as she tried to take out Mysterio with a hex bolt. 'Dum Dum Dugan said so in his report to Colonel Fury. Fury then told Cap, who told me.'

'Why am I always the last one to find out these things?' Spidey groused as he leapt onto Kraven's back. The Web-Slinger then looked down to talk to the villain.

'Is there something about my breath? I'm starting to think that people don't like me.'

'Accursed spider!' The Russian supervillain snarled as he tried to swat Spider-Man away, but Spidey easily avoided the blow and landed on a nearby tree branch.

'Now, which Kraven are you?' Spidey asked as hung upside down from the tree. 'Are you the original back from the dead, or are you one of his sons? I forget which one we're up to now.'

'I am Kraven the Hunter!' The animal skin-wearing villain yelled at his foe. 'All that matters is that I will soon destroy you!'

'And that's just super.' Spidey smiled underneath his mask. 'By the way, your bootlace is undone...'

Kraven looked down at his feet.

'I am not wearing boots. I am barefooted...'

_**POW!**_

Spidey slugged the Russian hunter in the chin while he was distracted.

'Aww, man...' Spidey groaned as he surveyed the laid out villain. 'I can't believe I sucker punched him like that. I feel so dirty! Then again, it proves how dumb today's villains are. There's no way that the original Kraven would fall for a lame trick like that. Unless he over-indulged on some of those mystic herbs of his...'

* * *

**Nearby-**

Not too far away, Thor was taking on Electro.

'Thunder God or not, I'm gonna fry you where you stand!' Electro laughed as he lashed out with bolts of electricity. 'You ain't nothing but a pretty boy with a magic hammer! I'm the Master of Electricity! The Lord of Lightning! I! _Am! **Electro!'**_

Thor easily absorbed the lighting with his mystic hammer.

'Thou art out of thy league, varlet.' Thor smirked as he pointed his hammer at his opponent. 'Now, how wouldst thou like to experience the fury of the _real_ Lord of Lightning?'

Thor held his enchanted hammer aloft. Storm clouds started to gather and thunder started to roll.

'_Thunder, lightning, heed thy master!_' Thor yelled atop the cacophony of atmospheric disturbances. '_Strike down this villain with thy righteous vengeance!_'

A humongous bolt of lightning shot down from the heavens and hit the ground mere inches from Electro, scorching the grass around his feet.

'Geez, man! What're you trying to do? You almost _killed _me!' Electro spluttered, falling on his backside. 'What is your problem?'

'My problem is villains harming innocents.' Thor said as he aimed his hammer at Electro once more. 'Thou hast no right to attack people like this.'

Electro was about to tell the Thunder God where he could shove his heroism when the selfsame Thunder God sent another bolt of lightning his way. The lightning bolt hit Electro square on the chest, propelling him through the air to come to a stop upon crashing into a tree. Electro tried to absorb the lightning, but it was too powerful for him.

Electro let out a groan as he fell to the ground unconscious.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

The action had spilled out into the street as Wanda and She-Hulk took on the Vulture and Mysterio.

'Your tricks have to affect on me, Beck.' Wanda laughed as she avoided two of the villain's false clones. 'They are nothing but parlour tricks compared to my powers!'

'I've heard all about your powers, witch.' Mysterio sneered. 'And your messed-up family too. Well, your Big Bad of a daddy isn't here to save you.'

'I can handle myself well enough, thank you.' Wanda retorted. 'I no longer require my father or brother to look out for me!'

Wanda took out all of the false Mysterios with one of her hex bolts.

'See? Your powers are nothing to me!'

'Sounding eerily like Magneto there, Wanda.' She-Hulk quipped as she swatted at the Vulture with a lamppost.

'Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.' Wanda rolled her eyes. 'I'm having fun here. Let me have my moment.'

She-Hulk just chuckled at that as she continued to swat at her winged foe with her makeshift baseball bat.

'Ha-ha! You can't stop me, She-Hulk!' The Vulture laughed as he easily avoided each and every one of the Jade Giantess's attacks. 'I may be old, but I can still move like a youngster!'

'Not without that special suit of yours, Toomes!' She-Hulk retorted as she tossed the lamppost over her shoulder like it was a ball of crumpled up pape.. 'I'm betting that the circuits in your suit aren't waterproof...'

The Jade Giantess tore open a fire hydrant, sending a torrent of water up into the air. The Vulture yelped in surprise as the torrent of water hit him square in the chest, sending him crashing down to the ground. The circuits in the villain's suit started to shoot out sparks as the water shorted it out.

'Heh. Didn't think so.' She-Hulk chuckled. The Jade Giantess then turned to see whether Wanda needed help.

She needn't have bothered to worry as Wanda was holding her own against Mysterio. The Scarlet Witch took out the conjuror with one last hex bolt.

'You really enjoyed that, didn't you?' She-Hulk tutted as she saw the great big grin on Wanda's face.

'Is it that obvious?' The scarlet-hued mutant sorceress grinned happily. 'Sometimes it feels good to kick the butts of idiots like these guys.'

* * *

**Finally-**

With the other members of the Sinister Six all but taken care of, it was down to Squirrel Girl and Tippy-Toe to take care of Doctor Octopus and Hobgoblin.

Squirrel Girl ducked as Hobgoblin flew recklessly above her head. Tippy-Toe had jumped straight in the villain's face and was biting and scratching him.

'Ahh! Get it off! Get it off!' The Hobgoblin howled as he careened around on his glider before crashing into a tree. Tippy-Toe jumped down from the tree and landed upon Squirrel Girl's shoulder.

'You might as well give up now, Octavius!' Squirrel Girl warned the villain. 'The Sinister Six has been beaten.'

'You still have to face me, child.' Octavius pointed out, a cocky grin plastered all over the former scientists' face. 'And you will soon find out that I am no pushover!'

'Neither am I.' Squirrel Girl shot back. 'Tippy-Toe and I took on Thanos all on our own! And won!' The four-armed scientist burst out laughing. Thanos was some mad god, and this little strapling was claiming she _fought_ him? And _won?_

'That is nothing but an urban myth.' Octavius laughed. 'Just as much as that rumour that you defeated Doctor Doom.'

'That's also true.' Squirrel Girl told her foe. 'Now, are you going to give us all a break and give up now, or will I have to get nasty?'

Squirrel Girl soon got her answer as Doctor Octopus lashed out with one of his mechanical arms. The fluffy-tailed heroine easily avoided her foe's attack and leapt onto his back.

'Wait... What are you doing...?' Octavius's eyes widened behind his goggles as he tried to grab Squirrel Girl with his mechanical arms, but the young heroine kept on dodging out of the way. 'Get away from there!'

'I take it that something important's here.' Squirrel Girl guessed as she jammed one of her wrist spikes right into the spot where the mechanical arms were joined to Doc Ock's spine.

Doc Ock screamed in pain as his nervous system went wild. Squirrel Girl leapt off her opponent's back before she was taken out by one of the flailing mechanical arms. Fortunately, she landed on something soft, namely Speedball's lap.

Speedball blinked in surprise as he regained consciousness and saw a pretty girl sitting in his lap.

'Umm... hi?' The brightly-clad New Warrior smiled uncertainly. 'Squirrel Girl, right?'

Squirrel Girl was struck speechless. Speedball was actually talking to her. _Speedball!_

Tippy-Toe hopped onto Speedball's knee and looked up at the object of her human companion's desire.

'Don't look at me...' Speedball held his hands up in defence. 'I didn't do anything to her...'

'**_ROBBIE!!_**'

Speedball was taken by surprise at the sound of Squirrel Girl squealing his name like a crazy person. His surprise wasn't helped by the mutant girl tackling him to the floor and mashing her mouth against his.

'Shouldn't we break them up?' Spider-Man asked as he walked up with the rest of the Avengers. 'There are laws against this kind of thing.'

'I'm not going anywhere near them.' She-Hulk shook her head. 'I don't wanna piss Squirrel Girl off.'

'Jen, you're all but invincible.' Wanda pointed out. 'Doreen can't hurt you.'

'Umm, hello? She beat up Thanos!' She-Hulk shot back. '_Thanos! _The same guy who killed half the universe! _Half. The. Universe!'_

'Thou art forgetting Doctor Doom also.' Thor chipped in. 'Plus MODOK and the Mandarin, amongst others.'

She-Hulk shot with Thunder God with a withering glare.

'Not helping!'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next- Not Another Party!**

_Oh, yes. She-Hulk throws another one of her infamous parties. Those shindigs are always eventful. Will the festivities go off without a hitch, or will one of the Avengers' many enemies be foolish enough to crash the party? Tune in next time to find out..._


	17. Not Another Party!

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 17: Not Another Party!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

Jennifer Walters, aka the gamma-powered heroine She-Hulk, was busily preparing for another one of her infamous parties. It was quite amazing that she was even _allowed_ to throw parties in the mansion at all. Property damage usually ensued whenever superheroes and high quantities of alcohol mixed.

Jen stood back and watched with an approving smile as some of her fellow Avengers helped her put up decorations. Peter Parker was standing on the ceiling putting up balloons while Tippy-Toe, Squirrel Girl's squirrel companion, was skittering about placing paper chains on the walls.

'I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier.' Jen smiled. 'Why bother with the risk of breaking a nail when I can get other people to put up the decorations for me?'

'We can hear you, you know.' Peter shot the Jade Giantess a withering glare. 'I don't see why you can't do this yourself anyway. You're taller than me. You won't have to use a ladder.'

'_Squee-chk-chk!_' Tippy-Toe squeaked angrily, throwing a paper chain down on the floor.

'Uhm... Where is Squirrel Girl, anyway?' Jen asked, swiftly changing the subject. 'I haven't got the slightest idea what Tippy-Toe is going on about.'

'The last I heard she was… busy with Speedball.' Peter remembered. The Wall-Crawler then shook his head. 'Poor kid. It's almost like he's being held hostage.'

'I'm sure it isn't like that.' Jen smirked. 'It's not like she keeps him chained in the closet or anything.'

'Now, that is not a mental image that I needed.' Peter grimaced. 'If you'll excuse me, I have to go wash my brain…'

* * *

**Later-**

Thankfully, it didn't take Jen very long to finish putting up the decorations once her reluctant helpers had gone away. The Jade Giantess couldn't stand around wasting time, she had to get ready for the party. There was a very a very special guest coming to the party: John Jameson. Jen didn't want to end up looking like a scruff bag when her man arrived.

Jen headed downstairs to go see whether any people had arrived yet.

'Ho, fair She-Hulk!' A cheery voice boomed. 'Tis a pleasure to see your countenance once more!'

'It's great to see you too, Herc.' Jen grinned as she gave the demigod and former Avenger known as Hercules a big hug.

'What do you say that we show these mere mortals how to party?' Hercules grinned.

'I'd love to join you, but I've got guests to attend to.' Jen explained. 'Perhaps later.'

'I shall hold you to it.' Hercules nodded in understanding.

Jen then continued onwards. It would be good to see some old friends again. if there was anything to bring former Avengers out of the woodwork, it would be a party. Superheroes could never turn down free food and booze.

Jen headed over to where Captain America was surveying the ever-increasing throng of former Avengers and miscellaneous other friends and allies of the Avengers.

'Well, this is quite a turnout.' The Sentinel of Liberty stated as he looked around at the guests. 'It's great to see so many friends again.'

'Oh yeah, it is at that.' The Emerald Amazon nodded, grinning widely. 'To paraphrase an old friend: I'm the best at what I do. And what I do is organise damn good parties!'

'Just try to leave the property damage at a minimum, okay?' Cap warned. 'We have to think of Jarvis's needs as well…'

'I promise not to trash the place.' Jen placed her hand on her chest in an oath. 'But don't blame me if Machine Man finds your case of antique Scotch again…'

'Death to the fleshy ones! Woot!'

Jen just held her head in her hands.

'And so it begins…'

* * *

**Later-**

After hastily extracting Machine Man from the lighting fixtures, Jen continued to mingle with her guests. Unfortunately, John Jameson still had not arrived.

The Jade Giantess sat down in a vacant chair and nursed her drink. It just didn't seem like a party to her without somebody to smooch with. Sure, there was plenty of handsome men at the party, but they were either already spoken for or Jen had already had the pleasure.

'Penny for your thoughts…'

Jen bolted upright at the sound of the voice.

'John…?'

'Sorry I was late…' John Jameson apologised. 'You wouldn't belie…'

John's comments were cut short as She-Hulk tackled him to the ground.

'_JOHN!!_'

John just smiled and nodded politely as Jen hugged him close.

'Umm, Jen… Not that being smothered by you isn't nice and all, but… could you loosen your grip a bit? You're crushing my ribs.'

'Oops.' Jen smiled embarrassedly before letting him go. 'Sorry. Sometimes I don't know my own strength.'

* * *

**Later still-**

Thankfully the party had gone off without too much damage. The festivities had all but finished. There was still a small group left, however. Things always ended up becoming rather competitive whenever Thor and Hercules were in the same room as each other. The pair had a long history of testing each other's strength. They were presently engaged in an arm wrestling contest. However, seeing how evenly matched the two heroes were, the contest had reached a stalemate where neither combatant wanted to back down. The honour of Asgard and Olympus were at stake!

'Submit, Odinson!' Hercules grunted as he struggled desperately to best the God of Thunder. 'Submit before the Prince of Power!'

'Never!' Thor retorted, the veins in his neck sticking out as he strained to match his opponent's might. 'Not until thou doth bow before the might of a true god!'

'How long have they been at it?' Peter blinked. Squirrel Girl looked at her watch.

'Umm… I think it's been three hours so far.'

'Oh, nuts to thi!' A fed-up Carol Danvers threw up her arms. 'I've had enough of this macho crap! I'm getting out of here before somebody chokes on testosterone.'

'But I thought you had twenty-five bucks riding on Thor winning.' Wanda stated. 'Don't you want to stay and see the outcome of the contest?'

'No offence, Wanda, but if I wanted to overdose on macho bull-crap, I would have put my feet up and watched Top Gun on TV.'

'Did you know that Top Gun is full of homosexual subtext?' Peter chipped in.

'Oh, don't tell me you you believe that!' Felicia Hardy, the Black Cat, groaned.

'Quentin Tarantino said so.' Peter explained.

'Oh, he's just full of crap.' Felicia snorted. 'And most of his movies are highly overrated.'

'Apart from the Kill Bill movies.' Squirrel Girl corrected her. 'They're both much better than all of his other films combined.'

'Oh, Peter…' Mary Jane rolled her eyes at he husband's commends. 'Don't start all that conspiracy rubbish. Top Gun is gay. Reed Richards has created a clone of Thor. There's a secret metahuman prison in the Negative Zone. You've been reading too many comic books.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Return of the Avengers Two**

_Wonder Man goes out for drinks with his old friend Hank McCoy: the Boadacious Bouncing Beast._


	18. Return of the Avengers Two

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 18: Return of the Avengers Two**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Harry's Hideaway, Westchester-**

A cab pulled up outside a bar somewhere in Westchester and a man wearing sunglasses, even though it wasn't sunny, and a dark blue turtle-neck sweater underneath a red jacket stepped out and paid the driver.

Simon Williams, the veteran Avenger known as Wonder Man, looked up at the bar.

'I hope I've to the right place.' The ionic-powered superhero commented. 'Then again, how many Harry's Hideaways is there in Westchester?'

Simon adjusted his sunglasses to make sure that they concealed his sparkly red eyes. He didn't want to freak out any of the civilians too badly. Even though Simon was famous, he didn't want to cause too much of a stir.

He walked in through the doors of the bar and smiled when he saw a familiar fuzzy blue feline gentleman sitting at a booth at the far side of the room.

'You certainly took your time getting here, Simon.' Hank McCoy, the X-Man and former Avenger, grinned happily as he took Simon's hand in a large blue paw and gave it a good shake. 'I was starting to think that I was going to have to start the intake of alcohol myself.'

'Hey, I promised that I'd get here, didn't I?' Simon smiled back as he took a seat. 'I might be late, but I did come here. Eventually.'

The grey-haired hero then noticed that Hank wasn't using an image inducer to hide his furry blue appearance.

'Uh, are you sure it's okay for you to walk around without an image inducer?' Simon asked. 'Don't people freak out when they see a big blue lion walking down the street?'

In reply, Hank touched a button on his watch. The fuzzy blue scientist's form was replaced by that of a heavy-set man with short brown hair and black-rimmed glasses.

'There's no need to hide my true appearance in here, Simon.' The now human-looking Hank told his friend. 'Harry is used to having esteemed guests such as ourselves frequenting his establishment. Why, he even lets us use his function room for free.'

'Yeah, I heard about Psylocke's bachelorette party.' Simon snickered. 'I was told that it got a little rowdy.'

'Calling dear Elizabeth's bachelorette party a little rowdy is like calling the Star Wars Trilogy mildly successful.' Hank chuckled. 'I believe that Harry is still cleaning margarita off the walls.'

'I wish I could have been there to see it.' Simon laughed at the thought. The X-Women had a reputation for being raucous party guests.

'I am sure that somebody had the foresight to take a video camera.' Hank supposed. 'But enough about bachelorette parties, what is your poison?'

'Oh, nothing special for me, thanks.' Simon shook his head. 'I'll just have a beer.'

Hank nodded in understanding and began to walk over to order their drinks, but Simon held up his hand to stop him.

'Are you sure you don't want me to get these?' The ionic-powered Avenger asked.

'Oh, I would never dream of asking you to start the proceedings, Simon.' Hank shook his head. 'This is, after all, my home ground. You can get things started when we go for drinks at your local establishment.'

'I'm not sure whether the Avengers even _have_ a local.' Simon scratched his head in confusion. 'It might have gotten blown up when we were fighting Count Nefaria last Thursday.'

'What do you mean _we_?' Hank smirked. 'I believe Squirrel Girl was the one that struck the blow that defeated him.'

'Well, whatever it was.' Simon waved it off. 'My point is that the Avengers don't have a local any more. We're still waiting for it to be rebuilt.' Hank just laughed at that.

'Any excuse for not buying the drinks.'

* * *

**Later-**

It was several rounds later, and neither men showed any outward signs of inebriation, even though several empty bottles and glasses had started to collect on the table.

'You wouldn't believe how angry Emma was when she found out what Christian had done to Miss Elizabeth!' Hank laughed to himself.

'Miss Elizabeth's that cat you brought her, isn't it?' Simon remembered. Hank nodded before he continued with his tale.

'Christian had somehow managed to get hold of some spray-paint from Piotr's art class and had sprayed Miss Elizabeth blue.' Hank explained. 'he thought that Miss Elizabeth would look better being blue, so they would match. Well, Emma didn't find it particularly funny back then, but we find ourselves laughing at it now.'

'What did Emma do to Christian?' Simon enquired. 'It wasn't anything too bad, was it?'

'She confiscated his guitar.' Hank responded. 'Although, I theorise that Emma had been looking for an excuse to confiscate Christian's guitar anyway. It was originally a gift from our dear friend in Cleveland.'

'Yeah, I know who you mean.' Simon nodded in understanding. 'We've had our run-ins with Kid Razor recently. He sprayed graffiti all over one of the Quinjets.' **(1)**

The cogs in Simon's brain began to turn as he assembled all of the seemingly inconsequential evidence.

'Say, you don't think that Razor was the one that gave your son the spray paint, do you?'

'I wouldn't put it past him.' Hank nodded in agreement. 'That boy would do anything to antagonise Emma.'

'I'm surprised that she hasn't melted his brain by now.' Simon chuckled. 'It isn't wise to mess with Emma Frost.'

'Emma feels that the whole thing is beneath her, I suppose.' Hank smiled slightly. 'Well, that is what she tells me.'

'Takes it out on the Danger Room, does she?' Simon deduced, taking a sip of his beer.

'That woman makes a bigger mess than Wolverine when she is angry.' Hank laughed. 'Which is why I find it to be a wise decision to vacate the Institute until everything blows over.'

'Yeah, Felicia has the same problem.' Simon began to tell his tale. 'Take our last night out for instance. There we were, enjoying a quiet drink together when some random guy comes over and tries it on with her.'

'I think I know where this is going…' Hank winced. 'Was it much blood split?'

'She managed to keep it to a minimum this time.' Simon explained. 'She did end up knocking out a few of his teeth and fracturing his jaw in the process. Luckily, the guy didn't press charges.'

'Think think yourself lucky that our other halves never socialise together.' Hank shivered at the thought.

'Oh, man…' Simon grimaced. 'Don't even go there. You'll give me nightmares.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Squirrel Girl's Asgardioan Adventure**

_When Ymir the Frost Giant kidnaps Sif, Thor enlists the aid of Squirrel Girl, Speedball, Spider-Man, and She-Hulk to go and rescue her._

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Kid Razor graffiti'd one of the Quinjets in '_The Uncanny Kid Razor'.


	19. Squirrel Girl's Asgardian Adventure: Pt1

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 19: Squirrel Girl's Asgardian Adventure- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

It was early in the afternoon at the home of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and some of their members were having a spot of lunch. Thor, Squirrel Girl and her squirrelly companion Tippy Toe, Peter Parker, and She-Hulk were sitting in the kitchen having something to eat.

Thor had decided upon a side of mutton with a flagon of mead to wash it down. Squirrel Girl had made herself and Tippy Toe some peanut butter sandwiches. She-Hulk and Peter were sharing a big packet of chips and some dip.

'Geez, big guy, I can never get over how much you put away in one sitting.' She-Hulk smirked as she looked at the pile of food that the God of Thunder was eating. 'You'd better not scarf it down too fast, or you'll get indigestion.'

'Do gods _get_ indigestion?' Peter asked nobody in particular. 'Well, I guess that if a being _has_ a digestive system, then it's possible that they could get indigestion.'

'Fear not, my friends!' Thor grinned eagerly. 'It wouldst take a lot more than this to upset the stomach of the Odinson!'

'Chk-chk?' Tippy Toe squeaked as she offered Thor a piece of her peanut butter sandwich.

'I doth appreciate your offer, Tippy Toe.' Thor smiled in thanks. 'But the mutton ist quite enough for me. Besides, peanut butter hast never interested me too much. It doth stick to the roof of my mouth.'

'All the more for us, right Tippy Toe?' Squirrel Girl smiled at her fluffy-tailed chum.

'Chrrk.' Tippy Toe nodded.

'So, Doreen, where's Robbie gone off to?' She-Hulk asked, a cheeky grin forming on her face. 'I take it that you actually untied him and released him from your closet?'

'I have no idea what you're talking about…' Squirrel Girl blushed. 'I-I-I'd never do anything like that to Robbie.'

'Aww, leave the poor kid alone, Shulkie.' Peter chuckled. 'You'll be giving her nightmares.'

'I think young master Baldwin didst head out for pizza.' Thor remembered as he tore a big chunk of meat off his side of mutton. 'I doubt that he will be too long. Assuming that he doth not happen upon any villains on his way back.'

Thankfully, the four Avengers needn't have worried as the young man known as Speedball walked in the back door carrying a white rectangular cardboard box.

'Behold! I am man!' Robbie crowed triumphantly in a mock-caveman voice. 'Man bring food!'

'Oh, Robbie…' Squirrel Girl laughed. 'You're such a goof.'

'I'm surprised that I managed to get back at all.' Robbie said as he lad his pizza down on the counter. 'The wind's starting whip up something fearsome out there.'

'That's funny…' Peter frowned as he looked out the kitchen window and saw black storm clouds gathering in the sky. 'It was perfectly sunny a few minutes ago.'

Everybody looked over at Thor, who just stared back innocently.

'What?' The God of Thunder blinked. 'This doth not have anything to do with me.'

'Then what is it?' Squirrel Girl frowned, scratching her chin. Then it slowly started to dawn on her. 'Ooh! Ooh! I know what it is! It's some sort of Asgardian teleportation spell, right?'

'How do you know about Asgardian teleportation spells?' Thor inquired in amazement. 'The magics of the Gods are not well known in Midgard.'

'I read it on one of my trading cards!' Squirrel Girl grinned a little too happily. 'I've got the whole set of the World's Mightiest Heroes!'

The other three Avengers and Speedball all looked at the fluffy-tailed young woman with bemusement. Squirrel Girl blushed with embarrassment.

'Occasionally I am callous and strange.'

* * *

**Outside-**

The Avengers had abandoned their lunch and had venture outside to try and see what was causing the sudden appearance of the thunderclouds. Squirrel Girl held on to Tippy Toe tightly, lest the winds blew the little grey squirrel away.

'This is no ordinary storm!' Peter shouted over the howling wind. 'A tornado didn't get confused and end up here instead of Kansas, did it?'

'If that's the case, I want first dibs on the ruby slippers!' She-Hulk shouted back. 'I always did look good in red!'

'Look! The storm clouds are starting to part!' Robbie yelled as he pointed upwards. The Avengers squinted to get a better look.

'Everybody, stand back!' Thor commanded them. Knowing better than to doubt the word of the God of Thunder, everybody did as they were told and moved away just as a thunderbolt shot from the sky and hit the ground. Up in the sky, the storm clouds disappeared as suddenly as they had appeared.

The five heroes all stood there dumbstruck as they saw a brown-haired man wearing golden armour knelt before them. The man looked a little worse for wear. It was obvious that he had recently been in a fierce battle.

'Balder…?' Thor blinked in confusion, recognizing the armoured man. 'What are you doing in fair Midgard?'

'Thor, thank Odin I found you…' The legendary Asgardian warrior known as Balder the Brave panted heavily. 'I have most urgent news.'

Thor knelt down to help his friend to his feet.

'What news doth you have, Balder?' Thor asked. 'By my father's beard! It isn't Sif, is it?'

'Who's Sif?' An unaware Robbie asked.

'Another Asgardian warrior.' Squirrel Girl told her friend as she pulled out a trading card from one of her belt pouches. 'Consort of Thor. See, it says here on his trading card.'

'Gods have trading cards now?' Peter frowned. 'Whatever next, trading cards for squirrels?'

'Chrrk-chk.' Tippy Toe squeaked as she held up her own trading card.

'What hast happened to my beloved Sif?' Thor asked his friend. 'Whoever has harmed her shalt pay dearly!'

'Twas Ymir, the lord of the Frost Giants, my friend.' Balder explained. 'Sif and I were exploring the realm of the Aesir when we were ambushed by the Frost Giants. Sif didst battle valiantly, but in the end, Ymir's forces did make away with her. Before they did depart, Sif didst bequeath me her Dimensional Sword so I couldst travel to Midgard and enlist your assistance.'

'Then what are we standing here for?' Peter asked. 'Let's go kick some Frost Giant booty!'

'Yon frost Giants are not creatures to be trifled with, my friend.' Thor pointed out. 'Many times hast they engaged me in battle, and it was only with much luck and perseverance that I didst become victorious.'

'This time you'll have us as back up.' Squirrel Girl reassured the God of Thunder. 'Those Frost Giants won't know what hit them.

'Very well.' Thor nodded in understanding. 'Then, if we are all agreed… _**TO BATTLE!!**_'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Squirrel Girl's Asgardian Adventure- Part 2**

_Thor, Balder, and the rest of the Avengers (plus Speedball) take on the might of Ymir in an effort to rescue Lady Sif._


	20. Squirrel Girl's Asgardian Adventure: Pt2

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 20: Squirrel Girl's Asgardian Adventure- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__I'm in jail for a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! Attempted murder! Seriously, do they give out a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? _'_**- **_**Sideshow Bob (The Simpsons)**

* * *

**Asgard-**

Somewhere in the castle that Thor called home whenever he was in Asgard, a mysterious wind started to whip up around the corridors. Anybody walking through the corridors had to take hold of something before they were blown away. The source of the sudden wind was soon revealed to be Thor transporting himself and his fellow Avengers with the aid of his enchanted hammer, Mjolnir.

'Ooh, trippy…' Spider-Man laughed weakly as he stumbled against a wall. 'Now I remember why I hate teleportation.'

'Oh, buck up, Spidey.' She-Hulk grinned as she gave the Web-Slinger a playful punch on the arm. 'I thought it was kind of cool!'

Speedball didn't exactly feel the same way.

'I'm think... I'm gonna barf…' The blond-haired New Warrior grimaced as he held his stomach.

'Robbie, could you hold it in for the moment?' Squirrel Girl asked. 'I doubt Thor would appreciate you throwing up on his lovely rugs.'

Thor wasn't in as much of a jubilant mood as his teammates. His lover, Lady Sif, had been kidnapped by Ymir, Lord of the frost Giants. His good friend, Balder, had barely survived transporting himself to Avengers Mansion to give the God of Thunder the news.

'The others have departed in search of Sif.' Balder told the group. 'However, the Warriors Three have elected to wait behind for our return.'

'Then we shall depart to find them.' Thor nodded in understanding before leading the other heroes away in search of his three warrior friends.

It didn't take them very long to find Fandral the Dashing, Hogun the Grim, and Volstagg the Voluminous. The three warriors were in the armoury preparing for battle.

'Ho, Thor!' Volstagg greeted his friend, cheerfully eating a turkey leg. 'Art thou ready for battle?'

'Aye, as soon as I doth procure my very own armour.' Thor nodded in response. 'As I have mentioned before, Ymir is not a foe to battle lightly. We must find armour for my fellow Avengers, also.'

'And who are yon lovely maidens?' Fandral gave Squirrel Girl and She-Hulk his most charming grin. 'Are you not going to introduce us?'

'Introductions can wait, Fandral.' Hogun frowned. 'We must find Lady Sif. We do not have time to waste.'

'Gee, I can already see that this guy is gonna be a barrel of laughs.' Spidey rolled his eyes.

'Doth thou have something to say to me, Wall-Crawler?' Hogun tapped his mace in his hand threateningly.

'No sir…' A suitably admonished Spider-Man squeaked. 'I'll be good.'

'Omigosh!' Squirrel Girl squeaked in excitement. 'I can't believe that we're actually teaming up with the Warriors Three!'

'Chrk-chrk.' Tippy-Toe nodded in agreement.

'Art thou a supporter of our exploits, young maiden?' Volstagg inquired.

'Jeepers, I'd say so!' Squirrel Girl grinned. 'I've got your trading card and everything!'

'Trading card?' Fandral blinked. 'What is a trading card?'

'Why, this of course!' Squirrel Girl grinned as she fished something out of one of her belt puches. It was a trading card with a picture of Fandral on it. the handsome blond Asgardian smiled.

'I'd wager many a fair maiden doth own this one.'

'Oy with the trading cards…' Spider-Man groaned into his hands.

'Wait, you are not the one known as Squirrel Girl, art thou?' Fandral realized. 'Yon very same Squirrel Girl that didst defeat such villains as Doctor Doom and Thanos?'

'The one and only.' Squirrel Girl smiled proudly. 'Although, some people still don't believe me.' She-Hulk whistled innocently as she pointed at Spider-Man, earning her a glare from the Web-Slinger.

'Who is the one that doth doubt thy claims?' Volstagg frowned angrily as he unsheathed his sword. 'I shall smite them!'

Spider-Man started to back away from the rotund Asgardian.

'Save your energy for battle, Volstagg.' Thor told his friend. 'For it shall be a fierce one, we do not have time to waste. We must depart immediately!'

* * *

**The realm of the Frost Giants, a little while later-**

Thor, Balder, the Warriors Three, and the Avengers trundled on through the snowy wastes of the realm of the Frost Giants. The five Asgardians had thrown on fresh battle armour. Hogun had even found some armour for the other Avengers. It wouldn't have been fair for the non-Asgardians to go into battle without protection.

'Couldn't you have found some armour that was a little bit a warmer?' Speedball complained as he hugged himself in an attempt to keep warm.

'Don't be so mean, Robbie.' Squirrel Girl admonished her friend. 'Hogun did the best he could.'

'It's alright for you…' Speedball complained. 'You've got a great big bushy tail to wrap around yourself.'

'Remind me again why we couldn't just fly here?' Spider-Man asked. 'Thor, you have some sort of enchanted flying chariot, right?'

'Aye, that is indeed true.' Thor nodded in response. 'But yon chariot can only carry one person at a time.'

'Well, that's just lovely…' Spidey groaned. The Wall-Crawler tapped the web shooters on his wrists. 'I hope my web shooters don't end up getting frozen. Not that they'd be all that much use against Frost Giants anyway…'

'Does yon Web-Slinger always complain like this?' Fandral whispered to She-Hulk.

'Oh, yeah. He's a regular Grumpy Guss.' The Jade Giantess confirmed. 'Although, you'd be hard fought to find a reason why, seeing that he has a beautiful wife and a wonderful daughter.'

'Gee, make me feel guilty, why don't you?' Spider-Man grimaced.

'Hold…' Balder told the assembled heroes. 'Do you not hear that?'

'I don't hear anything…' Squirrel Girl shook her head.

'That it precisely the point.' Hogun frowned in suspicion. 'Yon forest around us is too quiet. We have not happened upon another living creature. Not even the smallest squalling gnome.'

Thor removed Mjolnir from his belt and held his enchanted hammer in preparation for a fight.

'Keep thy senses alert, my friends…' The God of Thunder warned the other heroes. 'This silence doth augur ill…'

'I didn't understand a word of that.' Speedball sighed.

'Robbie, shush!' Squirrel Girl hissed. 'We won't be able to hear any approaching bad guys if you keep on complaining.'

'Wait! What's that?' She-Hulk asked, indicating a figure sprawled on the ground a few meters away from them. A dark-haired female figure clad in white and purple.

'Lady Sif!' Thor gasped in surprise. 'I shall save you, milady!'

'Thor, no!' Balder tried to halt his friend. 'Hold! Do not be so hasty!'

But it was too late, the God of Thunder had flown over to his fallen lover. No sooner had Thor picked the unconscious Sif up in his arms then the ground started to shake. Frost Giants started burst forth from the ground all around the heroes.

'It's a trap!' Spider-Man realised.

'Wait, is it me, or is that mountain moving?' She-Hulk blinked in confusion.

'That is no mere mountain, Milady She-Hulk.' Hogun pointed out. 'That is Ymir himself!'

The Avengers all stood back in horror as what seemed to be an ice-capped mountain slowly transformed into a giant ice monstrosity.

'Thou art as predictable as ever, Odinson.' Ymir laughed out loud, his laughter sounding like fingernails being scraped down a blackboard. 'Thou hast blundered right in to my trap, Thunder God. Just as I thought you would!'

'Ymir, I doth have only three words for thee…' Thor snarled in anger. _**'HAVE AT THEE!!'**_

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Squirrel Girl's Asgardian Adventure- Part 3**

_The Avengers, Balder, and the Warriors Three Vs Ymir and the Frost Giants. 'Nuff said!_


	21. Squirrel Girl's Asgardian Adventure: Pt3

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 21: Squirrel Girl's Asgardian Adventure- Part 3**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__Alright, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my __**boomstick!'**_**- Ash (Army of Darkness)**

* * *

**The realm of the Frost Giants-**

Thor held his enchanted hammer in the air and let out a fierce battle cry.

'_**HAVE AT THEE!!**_'

The Thunder God soared into the air and slammed Ymir, Lord of the Frost Giants, right in-between the eyes with loyal Mjolnir. Unfortunately, the blow hardly moved his frigid foe.

'Heh. Is that all thee has?' Ymir chuckled. 'You have no chance of winning, Odinson.'

'You shall pay dearly for harming the fair Lady Sif.' Thor retorted. 'I shall destroy thee, even if it doth mean my own life is forfeit.'

Ymir laughed out loud again as he reached out with a giant frozen hand, grabbing Thor out of the air.

'How shall you beat me when I am crushing the life out of you?' The huge Frost Giant inquired. 'Such a task would be most difficult.'

Thor tried to make a witty comeback, but his enemy's grip was too much. The God of Thunder's bones were groaning in protest as Ymir tightened his hold. Thor may have had godly stamina, but there was only so much he could take.

Back down on the ground, the other Avengers were dealing with the other Frost Giants. Fortunately they had Balder and the Warriors Three as backup.

Spider-Man barely avoided an axe blow from one of the frozen behemoths.

'Whoa! Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with axes?' The Wall-Crawler quipped as he landed on his enemy's back. 'It's all well and good until somebody loses an eye.'

The Frost Giant growled in anger and tried to clobber Spidey with his axe again. Fortunately, he was ready and quickly jumped out of the way, making the Frost Giant bash his own head in.

'Well, I tried to warn him.' Spidey shrugged as his vanquished foe collapsed on the ground with a grunt.

Elsewhere, Squirrel Girl and Speedball had their own problems with more Frost Giants.

'My claws aren't doing anything!' Squirrel Girl stated as she chipped away at one Frost Giant's neck. 'Robbie, I need some help!'

'A little busy, sweetie!' Speedball reminded the young mutant as he bounced around another Frost Giant. 'I'll be with you as soon as I can!'

The Frost Giant let out a fearsome roar as it took a shot at the bouncing hero. Thankfully, Speedball was too quick and ducked out of the way. The Frost Giant's axe ended up embedding itself in a tree.

'Heh. Not so tough without your axe, are you?' Speedball grinned as he used the momentumfrom his bouncing to pull the axe out of the tree. 'Let's see how you like it…'

The brightly-coloured New Warrior swung his procured axe at its former owner, cleaving the Frost Giant in two.

'Oh yeah. That's what I'm talking about!' Speedball crowed as he rested the axe on his shoulder. Unfortunately, the young hero hadn't taken the axe's weight into account. 'Whoa, heavy!'

Nearby, She-Hulk was having a little more luck. The Jade Giantess tore through the Frost Giants like a gamma-irradiated bull in a china shop.

'Man, I can't tell you how good it feels to finally cut loose.' She-Hulk grinned as she punched a hole in one of the Frost Giants. 'It feels great!'

'Milady She-Hulk doth like to fight.' Fandral stated as he dispatched another Frost Giant with his sword.

'There's no need to be formal.' She-Hulk responded as she smashed two Frost Giants' heads together. 'Please, call me Jen.'

'Very well then, Jen.' Fandral smiled as he offered She-Hulk his hand.

'Thanks, handsome.' The emerald-hued heroine grinned. 'Say, there isn't a Mrs Fandral back home, is there?'

'No, I do not have a wife.' Fandral shook his head. 'But are you not already spoken for?' She-Hulk gave the charming Asgardian a cheeky wink.

'What happens in Asgard stays in Asgard, right?'

Fandral was about to say something in response when more Frost Giants approached them.

'Perhaps this conversation should continue later.' The blond-haired warrior stated as he readied himself for another fight.

'Allow me…' She-Hulk offered. 'You were kind enough to help me, so I might as well return the favour.'

Fandral stepped to one side as She-Hulk grabbed two Frost Giants by the throats and leapt high into the air. The rather dim Frost Giants stopped fighting and watched as the threesome disappeared above their heads.

'I did not know that She-Hulk could fly.' Volstagg the Voluminous scratched his head.

'She cannot.' Hogun the Grim responded. 'She can leap great distances. Look, she is coming back down!'

'Perhaps it would be wise to retreat to a safe distance.' Fandral suggested as he started to run.

'Aye, that is a very good idea.' Balder nodded as he followed the Warriors Three.

Spider-Man frowned under his mask as he heard a whistling sound.

'What's that noise?' The Web-Slinger asked.

'I have no idea.' Squirrel Girl shook her head. Speedball squinted as he looked up in the sky.

'Uh-oh.' The New Warrior grimaced. 'I don't like the look of that. Run away! Run away!' The two Avengers looked upwards.

'Ho-lee!' Spider-Man and Squirrel Girl followed suit as She-Hulk and the two Frost Giants began their descent back down to the ground.

The Jade Giantess and her two captives hit the ground with such great force that it sent a wave of snow and ice surging around the impact zone. The remaining Frost Giants were caught up in the wave and were dashed to pieces.

Once the wave had stopped, everybody peeked out from their cover.

'Uh, Jen… Are you okay?' Spider-Man asked as he saw his super-string teammate walk out of the crater.

'Never been better, Spidey.' The Jade Giantess shrugged as she dusted off her hands. 'I just hope that it took out the big guy as well.'

The other three heroes and the four Asgardians all looked behind She-Hulk where Thor was still doing battle with Ymir. Then Balder noticed that somebody was missing.

'Wait. Where is Sif?' The brave Asgardian frowned. 'Come to think of it, where is the Dimensional Sword?'

'Villain! Come and face me!' A newly-revived Sif demanded as he held her Dimensional Sword high above her head. 'Unless thou are scared!'

Thor turned around to see his lover standing below him.

'Sif…?'

The Thunder God's momentary distraction gave Ymir the opening he wanted. The Frost Giant lord swung his giant club, knocking Thor out of the sky.

'You shall pay dearly if he is seriously hurt, Frost Giant!' Sif yelled at her foe.

'And what can you do to me, little one?' Ymir laughed haughtily. 'You are but one tiny woman!'

'I shall show you just what this tiny woman can do!' Sif retorted as she threw her enchanted sword into the air.

Ymir howled in pain as the Dimensional Sword hit its target, hitting him right in the eye.

'Ahh! Accursed Asgardian!' The huge Frost Giant howled as he clutched his injured eye. 'I shall crush you!'

'Sif…' A dizzy Thor groaned as he got up to his feet unsteadily. 'What hast thou done?'

'Just you wait and see, beloved.' Sif answered as she helped her golden-locked beau. Thor allowed himself to be helped up and watched as Ymir fell to his knees.

'You have not heard the last of me, Odinson!' Ymir yelled as Sif's Dimensional Sword began to do its magic. 'I shall have my _**reveeennge…**_'

Thor and Sif both shielded their eyes as Ymir disappeared in a flash of light.

'Where didst you send him?' Thor asked.

'Someplace where it should be difficult for Ymir to escape.' The dark-haired warrior woman told the God of Thunder.

'You sent him to Surtur's realm, didn't you?' The Thunder God surmised. Sif just smiled silently as she joined the others.

* * *

**Thor's castle, a little later-**

With the villain vanquished, the group of assorted heroes and Asgardians returned to Thor's castle for a victory feast. Everybody sat in the huge feasting hall at the centre of the castle as the feasting upon various meats and mead.

'Wow. You guys sure know how to throw a party.' She-Hulk complimented her hosts as she tore into a side of beef. 'Mmm, and this beef! Oh, God! This is the best stuff ever!'

'Wait until you doth try the chicken.' Volstagg recommended as he wiped mead from his bearded chin. 'Tis marvellous!'

'More mead, please!' Speedball motioned at a serving wench with his empty tankard.

'Robbie! don't yell so much!' Squirrel Girl hissed at her fellow hero. 'You're getting drunk!'

'I-I'm not drunk!' Speedball slurred. 'I'm a very responsibibble driver.' He then let out a loud belch and fell off his seat.

'I take it that you're staying here for a while, Thor.' Spider-Man guessed as he picked a piece of chicken from his teeth. 'Y'know, so you and your lady can get reacquainted. If you catch my drift.'

'Far from it, my friend.' The Thunder God shook his head. 'Why, Lady Sif didst tell me of her intent to return to Midgard with us.'

'Aye, it has been too long since Thor and I didst spend much time with one another.' Sif agreed. 'Besides, I wouldst very much like to visit this Madison Square Garden of yours. I have heard that it is a venue where great warriors do battle.'

'Well, that's if you think wrestling's real, I guess.' Spider-Man shrugged. 'But hey, whatever floats your boat.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Reign of Blood**

_A quiet night out at the movies with Wanda is cut short for Captain America when information comes out that Baroness Blood is back. Will the Star-Spangled Sentinel of Liberty be able to defeat the immortal bloodsucker? Tune in next time to find out…_


	22. Reign of Blood: Part 1

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 22: Reign of Blood- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He puts one of yours in the hospital, you put one of his in the morgue. That's the Chicago way.'_- **Sean Connery as Jim Malone (The Untouchables)**

* * *

**Somewhere in New Jersey-**

Somewhere in the Red Light District of New Jersey, a young woman was running for her life. The young woman was a streetwalker that used New Jersey as her place of work.

'Gotta get away…' The young woman panted as she looked behind her to see whether her pursuers were still there. To her amazement, the people chasing her had disappeared.

'What the hell?' The young woman blinked in surprise. 'Where did they go?'

The woman looked up as she heard something fluttering in the wind. She gasped in shock as she saw a shadowy silhouette with piercing red eyes leer down at her.

'Please, please…' The young woman begged as she started to back away. 'Don't hurt me. Here, take my money. Just don't hurt me. Oh, God please no…'

'God has nothing to do about this, my dear.' The shadowy figured chuckled as it pounced upon the poor young woman.

'No! _No! __**Nooooo!!**_'

* * *

**Manhattan, a few hours later-**

It was a typically busy night at the Manhattan Grand Theatre. People were flocking to see the latest shows. Tonight's performance was a musical version of Bram Stoker's Dracula. It had gotten rave reviews in the newspapers.

Unknown to the people filling the theatre to capacity, two of their fellow theatre goers were members of the World's Mightiest Heroes: The Avengers. Wanda Maximoff, otherwise known as the mutant hex-caster the Scarlet Witch, was in attendance with Steve Rogers, also known as the Star-Spangled Sentinel of Liberty, Captain America.

'My, this show sure is popular.' Steve commented as he saw all of the people heading to their seats.

'I know.' Wanda nodded in agreement. 'It's not bad for an off-Broadway production.'

Steve escorted his date up the stairs to one of the private boxes. The Star-Spangled Avenger hadn't spared any expense when he ordered tickets.

'Oh, Steve. There was really no need to get us a private box.' Wanda said as she allowed her date to show her to her seat. 'These things are expensive.'

'Anything for my lady.' Steve smiled as he took a seat beside his fellow Avenger.

'Opera glasses as well.' Wanda smiled as she removed a pair of ornate-looking binoculars from their holder and peered through them to get a better look at the stage. 'Oh, my. We really are high up.'

'You're not afraid of heights, are you?' Steve asked.

'Oh, my goodness no.' Wanda shook her head. 'It's just that I've never been this high up whenever I've been to the theatre. Whenever I go with Jan, our seats are always much lower down.'

Steve just smiled at that and put his arm around his date as the show began to start.

'Whoa. Good thing I got here in time. I thought I was gonna miss the show.'

Steve and Wanda both spun around in their seats at the sound of the uninvited guest: A tuxedo-clad Nick Fury, the head of S.H.I.E.L.D., looked back at them.

'What?' The eye patch-wearing master spy asked innocently. 'I like the theatre as much as anybody. And besides, can't a guy come visit an old friend?'

'What is it, Nick?' Steve sighed in exasperation. The blond hero knew that whatever was going on must have been important to have Nick Fury drop in.

'It seems one of your old chums is up to their old tricks again.' Fury whispered as to not disturb the other theatregoers.

'I take it that you mean friends in an ironic fashion.' Wanda surmised.

'You got it in one, Witchie.' Fury confirmed. 'Two hours ago a streetwalker was found dead in New Jersey. The third one in a week. This one had bite marks in her neck and had all of her blood drained. Just like the others.'

Fury then handed Steve a photograph.

'There was also what looked like a 'B' carved into her cheek.' Fury explained. 'It looks to me like Baroness Blood's back.'

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose and let out an exasperated sigh.

'I knew it was only a matter of time before she returned.' The veteran hero sighed. 'I'm sorry Wanda, but this is important.'

'I understand.' The mutant witch nodded. 'That's why I'm coming with you.'

Steve opened his mouth to try and discourage her, but decided against it. Wanda's hex powers might turn out to be useful against Baroness Blood and her vampire brethren.

* * *

**Later-**

Steve and Wanda had changed from their theatre clothes back into their crime fighting gear. They were onboard a Quinjet rushing towards an old abandoned castle that Baroness Blood often used as a hideout. It had originally belonged to John Falsworth, the original Baron Blood. Jacob Cromwell, Baroness Blood's father, had been a lackey of Dracula who had helped to resurrect Falsworth, but when that happened he killed her father and her sister before turning her into a vampire. When Baron Blood was killed, Ms Cromwell then began a cult in memory of her vampire master.

'I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am, Wanda.' Cap apologised to his teammate. 'If I had known that this was going to happen…'

'Steve, stop that right now.' the Scarlet Witch cut him off. 'This is more important than our date. We can go and see the show again any time we want. If we don't stop Baroness Blood, there's no telling how many more innocent people will be hurt.'

Cap chose to keep quiet after that. He knew better than to try and discourage Wanda when she had an idea in her head.

'Do we have everything that we need to fight Baroness Blood and her vampires?' The scarlet-clad heroine asked.

'Wooden stakes, crucifixes, and holy water.' Cap nodded. 'I think that should cover it.'

'My mutant hex powers should also help make short work of them.' Wanda smiled. 'I've been working on a little spell that should make them burst into flames.'

'Have you ever used this spell before?' Cap asked.

'Only in simulations.' Wanda admitted. 'I've never had a chance to try it for real.'

'Perhaps it would be best if you only used that if you desperately needed to.' Cap advised her. 'Your powers can be unpredictable enough without adding spontaneous combustion to the mix.'

'You really are quite cute when you worry.' Wanda smiled as she pecked her partner on the cheek. Cap then began to prepare the Quinjet for landing. They had reached Baroness Blood's castle.

'Be careful out there, Wanda.' Cap warned his teammate. 'Baroness Blood is dangerous as well as unpredictable. There's no telling what sorts of traps she has planned for us.'

'I'm sure I'll be fine, Steve.' Wanda chuckled. 'Honestly, you can be worse than my brother sometimes.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Reign of Blood- Part 2**

_Captain America and the Scarlet Witch take on Baroness Blood and her vampire horde Will the heroes be able to defeat the undead fiends? Tune in next time to find out…_


	23. Reign of Blood: Part 2

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 23: Reign of Blood- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__You can't kill him if he's wearing _people _clothes!'_**- Homer Simpson**

* * *

**The grounds of Falsworth Castle-**

Captain America and the Scarlet Witch carefully crept through the grounds of Falsworth Castle, being careful to keep their eyes open for any sign of vampire activity. The pair of Avengers were on the hunt for Baroness Blood, who often used the castle as a hideout.

'I don't like it.' Cap frowned as he took a look around. 'It's too quiet.'

'You're being needlessly suspicious, Steve.' Wanda responded. 'Baroness Blood might not even know that we're here.'

'_Hisssss!'_

The pair of Avengers spun around when they heard hissing coming from within the shadows of the dilapidated castle.

'Or, on second thought, she might be expecting us.' Wanda corrected herself as she used a quick spell to create a glowing ball of energy that lit up the castle.

The heroic twosome were taken aback by the sight that greeted them. The makeshift lantern illuminated dozens of vampires that had been hiding within the shadows.

'The light. It burnssss…' One of the vampires hissed as it shielded its eyes with a clawed hand.

'If you think this is bad, then you have no idea what you're in for.' Wanda countered as she readied a vial of holy water and threw it at the undead fiend. The glass vial shattered on impact, spraying its contents all over the vampire's face. The creature let out a horrific scream as the holy water made its skin bubble and burn.

'Nice throw, Wanda.' Cap complimented his teammate as he took hold of a wooden stake. 'Perhaps you could be the pitcher the next time we play baseball against Hawkeye and the West Coast Avengers.'

'We have to live through these vampires first.' Wanda reminded him as she dispatched another one of the undead fiends with a wooden stake.

With one of their number having been taken out by Wanda's holy water, the rest of the vampires surged forward to avenge their fallen ally.

'This isn't like the Baroness.' Cap thought out loud as he plunged his stake into the heart of one vampire, turning it into dust. 'Usually she's the one to lead the attack.'

'Then this must be a distraction.' Wanda guessed as she dusted some vampire remains off her cloak. 'What could she be doing that's too important to be interrupted?' Cap's mind raced to find a possible answer. Until something hit him.

'I knew today's date was familiar!' Cap realised as he hit a vampire on the head with his shield. 'It was on this date, exactly five years ago, that I destroyed the original Baron Blood. She must be trying to resurrect him!'

'Then we have to get down there before she brings him back.' Wanda noted as she threw another vial of holy water at the vampires. 'There's no telling what sort of chaos those two could cause!'

'Then I think it's time that we brought out your secret weapon.' Cap suggested as he stepped back to protect his teammate with his shield.

'Are you really sure?' Wanda asked as she ducked behind Cap's shield. 'I haven't ever used the spell before. How do we know that it will even work?'

'I have faith in you, Wanda.' Cap reassured the mutant witch.

Wanda smiled at her teammate's compliment and readied herself to cast the spell.

Cap continued to protect Wanda as the mutant sorceress's hands began to glow. Streams of what seem to be sunlight burst from Wanda's hands and hit the vampires in the chest, making them burst in flames. Once one vampire had been reduced to ashes, the beams on sunlight moved onto another until all the undead creatures were no more.

'Oh…' Wanda gasped as her legs fell from under her. Fortunately, Cap was there to save her.

'Wanda, are you okay?' The concerned Star-Spangled Sentinel of Liberty enquired.

'Just a little dizzy.' Wanda smiled slightly. 'That spell took more out of me than I thought.'

'Good.' Cap smiled as he helped his teammate up to her feet. 'We'd better get moving. We don't have much time.' He pulled out his Avengers membership card and quickly tapped some buttons on it. Wanda noticed the action and nodded. It would come in handy just in case.

* * *

**Several metres down below-**

In an ancient cavern several metres below the castle, the immortal vampire known as Baroness Blood was about to complete a ritual that would resurrect the original Baron Blood. The blonde blood-sucker was standing on front of a stone sarcophagus positioned on top of an ancient altar that contained the late baron's remains.

'At last, the time to begin the ritual is almost upon us!' The Baroness rubbed her hands in glee. 'Now all I need is the blood that I have gathered.'

The Baroness motioned for a lackey to bring her a urn filled to the brim of blood. The blonde vampire chuckled evilly as she took the urn in her hands and held it up over Baron Blood's remains.

'Praise witness, my children! We are about to observe the resurrection of our master! May he forever reign!'

Then, at that precise moment, a crossbow bolt flew through the air and hit Baroness Blood's hand, making her yell out in pain and drop the urn of blood to the ground, smashing it into pieces and spilling the blood on the floor.

'You fools!' Baroness Blood hissed as she yanked the crossbow bolt from her hand. 'You shall pay dearly for this!'

'Show's over, Baroness.' Captain America retorted as he aimed at the evil blood-sucker. 'We're here to stop you.'

'Oh, is that so, Captain?' Baroness Blood laughed out loud. 'You may think that you have ruined my plans, but that is not the case.'

The Baroness motioned for her lackeys to take hold of the two Avengers and bring them to the altar.

'Your blood will work just as well of that of whores.' Baroness Blood said as she pressed a knife against Cap's throat. 'No, on second thoughts, you shall be last. I want you to watch while I drain the mutant witch!'

_**KRAKOOM!!**_

Baroness Blood and her undead brethren were sent flying as something crashed through the ceiling.

'First floor: Women's lingerie, haberdashery, and undead fiends!' She-Hulk grinned as the dust settled. 'Sorry about the wait, guys. Somebody had to make a stop at the little spider's room.'

'Hey, it's not my fault!' Spider-Man defended himself. 'That stuff that you call coffee goes straight through me!'

'Fools!' Baroness Blood snarled as she got up to her feet. 'You shall all die for thi…'

_**POW!!**_

She-Hulk silenced the blood-sucking fiend with a punch to the head, knocking her out.

'Why is it that the bad guys always have to have the last word?' The Jade Giantess tutted as she slung the unconscious Baroness over her shoulder. 'I mean, why can't they just accept that they're beaten without making with the banter?'

'You aught to fight Doc Ock sometime, Shulkie.' Spider-Man responded as he helped Cap and Wanda to their feet. 'The guy's all talk.'

'I'm just glad that this fight was over so quickly.' Squirrel Girl added her two cents as she looked at the other vampires trapped under the debris. '_Brrr. _Vampires give me chills.'

'You needn't worry about Baroness Blood now, Squirrel Girl.' Cap reassured the busy-tailed heroine. 'She won't be free to cause trouble for quite some time where she's going.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Meet the Greens**

_Squirrel Girl takes Speedball home to meet her parents._


	24. Meet the Greens

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 24: Meet the Greens**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__I'm never eating there again! It's gauche. They had lobster in McNugget form! Plus, the customers are flimsy and easily damaged.'_**- Agent X: Agent X #4**

* * *

**Queens-**

The Quinjet flew through the skies above the district of New York known as Queens. Squirrel Girl was taking Speedball to meet her mother. She had also invited Spider-Man, Thor, and She-Hulk along with her.

'Thanks for coming with me, you guys.' Squirrel Girl smiled at her teammates. 'My mom will be ever so pleased to meet you.'

'It will be an honour to meet thy mother as well.' Thor smiled in response. 'I for one cannot wait to meet the woman that has raised one of the most feared people I know.'

'What, even more feared than Wolverine or the Punisher?' Spider-Man snickered.

'Well, you know the saying.' She-Hulk chipped in. 'Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot.'

'I just hope that we get this over and done with quickly.' Speedball sighed. 'The sooner we meet your mom, the sooner we can get home.'

'Oh, Robbie.' Squirrel Girl laughed. 'You're so silly sometimes. There's no need to be afraid of my mom, she won't hurt you.'

'Fighting people like Galactus or Doctor Doom is nothing compared to meeting your other-half's parents.' She-Hulk grimaced in sympathy. 'Geez, I can't tell you how awkward it was the first time I met John's family.'

'J. Jonah Jameson as your father-in-law?' Spider-Man winced. 'Rather you than me, Green-Jeans.'

'Oh, heads up, guys.' The Emerald Amazon announced as she looked out of the window at the ground below. 'We're almost there. Everybody buckle in and get ready for landing.'

Everybody did as they were told and buckled up as She-Hulk brought the Quinjet in to land.

'Uh, just one thing…' Spider-Man piped up. 'How exactly are we going to hide a great big machine like the Quinjet in the middle of the street?'

'It's not like anybody can give us a parking ticket.' She-Hulk responded. 'For all people know we could be fighting some bad guys or something.'

Once the Quinjet had landed, Squirrel Girl led the group to a red-bricked house with several large willow trees in the front yard. Tippy-Toe, Squirrel Girl's rodent companion chattered happily and dashed up one of the branches. The furry-tailed heroine stepped up and knocked on the door. A kindly-looking woman with light brown hair opened the door.

'Hello, mom.' Squirrel Girl grinned as she gave her mother a big hug. 'We're not late, are we?'

'Oh, of course not, sweetie.' Mrs Green smiled in response. 'I'm just happy that you're here.'

'Mom, these are Spider-Man, She-Hulk, and Thor.' Squirrel Girl said as she introduced her friends. 'And this is Robbie, my boyfriend.'

'Oh, so this is the young man that I've been hearing all about.' Mrs Green nodded in recognition. 'Well, you'd better come in then, hadn't you?'

'It is an honour to meet you, Mrs Green.' Thor greeted. 'You have raised a wonderful daughter.'

'Oh, please. There's no need to be so formal.' Mrs Green smiled as she led the group inside. 'Call me Mary.'

* * *

**A little later-**

Doreen and her friends were sitting in the lounge while her mother went about making the tea.

'I wish you'd let me give you some help, mom.' Doreen called into the kitchen. 'It doesn't feel right just sitting here.'

'It's the least I could do.' Mary called back. 'You're the one that keeps the streets clean. Does anybody want milk or sugar in their tea?'

'Three sugars for me, please.' She-Hulk responded. 'I like my tea really sweet.'

'Just milk in mine, thanks.' Spider-Man added. 'The missus has got me on a diet, so no goodies.'

'Spidey, you are so whipped.' She-Hulk snickered.

'Hey, you try disagreeing with an angry redhead.' The Web-Slinger shot back. 'You wouldn't like Mrs. Spidey when she's angry.'

'I'll tell you who else you wouldn't like when she's angry…' Squirrel Girl chipped in. 'Wolfsbane of the X-Men.'

'True.' She-Hulk nodded in agreement. 'She's a redhead _and _she's Scottish. The Scots are very angry people. Why else do you think the Ancient Romans never managed to conquer Scotland? The Scots were too tough for them.'

'The Ancient Romans used to wipe their backsides with moss.' Speedball added his two cents. 'The Scots wiped their backsides with the Romans.'

The four Avengers just looked at the brightly-clad New Warrior with bemused expressions.

'I'll just go and see if your mom needs any help with the tea.' The young hero smiled weakly as he got up and headed in the direction of the kitchen.

* * *

**Later still-**

The heroes had finished their tea and were now having dinner.

'I hope you don't mind nut cutlets for dinner.' Mrs Green said as she brought in the dinner. 'It's Doreen's favourite. I always make sure to cook it whenever she visits.'

'Why don't you come and live at Avengers Mansion with us, mom?' Squirrel Girl enquired. 'It'll be much easier for both of us.'

'Oh, I couldn't possibly do that.' Mary shook her head. 'I wouldn't intrude on your business.'

'It would be no trouble at all.' Thor added. 'It would be an honour to have you stay with us.'

'Yeah, the more, the merrier.' She-Hulk agreed.'

'I don't know…' Mary shook her head. 'Are you sure Captain America and the others wouldn't mind me moving in?'

'I'm sure they'd love the idea, Mary.' Spidey added his two cents. 'They'd love to meet you.'

'Perhaps I'll do that.' Mary nodded. 'Are you sure it won't be awkward? I don't want to walk in on anybody's private business. I know you all have secret identities. Are you sure it's wise to let a civilian know about them?'

'Heh. I pity the fool who messes with Squirrel Girl's mother.' She-Hulk chuckled. 'We all look out for each other. Anybody who messes with an Avenger's family has to deal with us.'

'Mmm, these nuts cutlets are delicious.' Thor complimented as he ate the meal. 'Pray, what sort or meat do you use in them?'

'Oh, I don't use any meat at all.' Mary explained. 'Doreen is a vegetarian, you see.'

The Thunder God looked up from his meal with an astounded expression on his face.

'There is no meat at all in this meal?' The Thunder God enquired in amazement.

'Easy there, Blondie…' She-Hulk told her teammate. 'Don't go trashing the place just because you aren't eating a whole cow. We're guests here, remember?'

'My sincerest apologies.' Thor apologised to his hostess. 'I did not mean any offence. I was merely surprised. This is indeed a delicious meal, even if there is no meat contained within.'

'None taken.' Mary smiled. 'There's plenty more left over if you want some.'

'If it is not any trouble.' Thor replied. 'Perhaps I shall take some back to Avengers Mansion with me. The others do not know what they are missing out on.'

'You'll really like it in Avengers Mansion, mom.' Doreen told her mother. 'There's so much to show you. Just wait until you meet the others! It's going to be great having you live there with us!'

'Eat your dinner, dear.' Mary Green smiled fondly at her daughter. 'It's getting cold.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Meet the Avengers**

_Mary Green meets the Avengers. It won't be too awkward… will it?_


	25. Meet the Avengers

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 25: Meet The Avengers**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__You wanna get Capone? Here's how you get him. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue! _That's_ the Chicago way!'_**- Jim Malone (The Untouchables)**

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

Mary Green, the mother of the fluffy-tailed Avenger known as Squirrel Girl, sat patiently in the back of the taxi cab as it pulled up outside the home of Earth's Mightiest Heroes. She peered out of the window and saw another taxi cab parked outside the mansion. It seemed that she wasn't the only person visiting.

Mary got out of the cab, paid the driver, and gathered her cases together as she walked towards the front door of the mansion. A blond man and an auburn-haired woman followed her up the path. Mary did a double take once she realised who the woman was.

'Oh my goodness…' Mary gasped in surprise. 'Janet Van Dyne! I can't believe it!'

'Heh. It's always a pleasure to meet somebody who's a fan of my work.' Janet smiled as she shook Mary's hand. 'You must be Squirrel Girl's mother. I heard you were going to move in.'

'I think Tony will have to think about building an extension onto the mansion if any more people move in.' Hank Pym, Janet's companion, chuckled. 'It's a pleasure to meet you, Ms Green. We've heard a lot about your daughter's work.'

'We haven't actually had a chance to meet her face to face yet.' Janet explained. 'She joined up shortly after Hank and I went on a leave of absence. I was doing my thing designing new fashions while Hank had all that science-y stuff to deal with, but now we're back.'

'Here, let me take those cases for you…' Hank offered. 'It's the least I could do for the mother of one of the most feared heroines there ever was.'

'I would think that Elektra would have something to say about that, honey.' Janet pointed out.

'Ah, but Elektra hasn't ever taken on people like Doctor Doom and Thanos single-handedly, has she?' Hank responded.

'My daughter does seem to have a lot of enemies.' Mary sighed. 'I just hope that something bad doesn't happen to her.'

'There's no need to worry about that.' Janet reassured her. 'Squirrel Girl has Earth's Mightiest Heroes watching her back. Anybody who tries anything would soon find out that we look after our own.'

* * *

**A little while later-**

Mary Green was now standing in one of the spare bedrooms in the mansion. Even though Avengers Mansion seemed to be full to the brim with people, there were still plenty of spare rooms. The Avengers always felt that it was a good idea to have plenty of spare rooms in case a former member paid a visit and needed somewhere to stay.

Squirrel Girl was helping her mother unpack her cases.

'You've couldn't have chosen a better time to move in, mom.' The bushy-tailed heroine smiled as she hung up some of her mother's clothes. 'The big parade's only a week away.'

'It's all over the news.' Mary remembered. 'The parade's to celebrate the anniversary of when the Avengers first formed, isn't it?'

'Yeah.' Doreen nodded. 'I still can't believe that I'm part of the Avengers. I'm going to be so nervous standing on the float with everybody else. I'm going to be standing there with the original Avengers! Well, apart from the Hulk. He quit soon after the Avengers formed.'

'Wouldn't your other friends feel left out?' Mary asked. 'You know, the Great Lakes Avengers, or whatever they're calling themselves now.'

'I'm sure Mr Immortal and the others wouldn't mind.' Doreen told her mother. 'They were never the ones to get jealous. Although, I'm kind of curious to see who took over my place on the team.'

'Why don't you give them a call?' Mary suggested. 'They must be curious to see what you've been up to since you hit the big time.'

'Maybe I should. I do kind of miss them.' Doreen admitted with a nod. 'Besides, they still have my Squirrel-A-Gig. I didn't think there was any need to keep it when I joined the Avengers, they have all those Quinjets after all.'

* * *

**Meanwhile-**

Hank and Janet had finished unpacking their things and had joined Captain America and the Scarlet Witch for coffee. They had much to catch up on.

'I can't believe that this old place is still the same after all the time we've been away.' Jan smiled as she took a sip of her coffee. 'Sure, new members have joined, but that's always a given.'

'Life's never quiet when you're one of Earth's Mightiest Heroes, I suppose.' Cap nodded in agreement. 'Although, I don't think that it's all too unusual to see the mansion in one piece. It's not like we're the X-Men.'

'Heh. How many times has that place been blown up in the last few years?' Jan chuckled. 'I'm surprised that Professor Xavier still has enough money to keep rebuilding it.'

'So, what have you and Hank been up to since you left us?' Wanda enquired. 'Are we to be expecting wedding bells again any time soon?'

'Oh, goodness no.' Janet laughed. 'We're having far too much fun living in sin. Isn't that right, honey?'

'I wouldn't have it any other way.' Hank smiled as he kissed his partner on the cheek.

'What about you two?' Jan asked as she turned back to Cap and Wanda. 'Isn't it about time that you tied the knot?'

Cap spluttered in surprise.

'I don't think that now is really the time to talk about marriage.' Wanda said as Cap cleaned up the coffee that he had spilled when he let out a surprise splutter.

'Aww, that's a pity.' Jan shook her head sadly. 'Superhero weddings are always so much fun. Plus, I always get to design the dresses. I designed the dress for Reed and Sue's wedding, remember?'

'I wonder why the X-Men never ask you to design their dresses…' Hank thought out loud.

'The X-Men wouldn't know fashion if it came up and slapped them on the face.' Jan shook her head.

'How long has it been since the X-Men last had a wedding anyway?' Hank added. 'They keep on getting married off like it's going out of fashion.'

'I thought you were friends with Emma Frost.' Wanda pointed out.

'Just because I'm friends with Emma doesn't automatically mean that I like her fashion choices.' Jan explained. 'You wouldn't catch me dead wearing white leather.'

* * *

**A little later-**

Jan had finished her coffee and was talking a walk through the mansion. She soon found herself on the floor where the bedrooms were. She stopped outside Squirrel Girl's bedroom, adjusted her hold on the costume she was carrying, and knocked on the door.

'Doreen, are you there?' Jan asked. 'It's Janet Van Dyne. I never got a proper chance to introduce myself before.'

The door opened and Doreen peered out.

'Oh, Ms Van Dyne. Hi.' The bushy-tailed heroine smiled sweetly as she opened the door. 'What can I help you with?'

'Please, call me Jan.' The Winsome Wasp told her young teammate. 'There's no need to be so formal, we're all friends here.'

'Come in, come in.' Doreen motioned. 'Can I get you anything? Hazelnuts? Macadamia nuts? I'm trying to give up macadamia nuts, they make me hyper.'

'I'm fine, thank you.' Jan responded as she laid the costume onto the bed. 'I designed this for you by the way.'

'For me?' Doreen blinked in surprise. 'Why on earth did you do that?'

'No offence, sweetie, but that brown furry thing you wear is _so_ early Nineties.' Jan explained. 'You need to sex your image up, honey!'

Doreen picked up the new costume and took a look at it. The new outfit was black whereas her old costume had been brown and furry, and that was about it.

'Oh, gosh…' Doreen blushed. 'Where's all the material? If I wear that I'd be falling out all over the place. I can't wear that! What if I'm fighting a bad guy and end up making an exhibition of myself?'

'Hmm, perhaps you're right.' Jan tapped her chin thoughtfully. 'Perhaps that's a bit _too_ sexy. Oh, well. Back to the drawing board…'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Avengers Parade**

_The Avengers attend a parade to celebrate the anniversary of the date they first formed. Nothing could go possibly wrong, could it?_


	26. Avengers Parade

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 16: Avengers Parade**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer: **_'__Smite me, O mighty smiter!'_**- Bruce Nolan (Bruce Almighty)**

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

It was a special day at the home of Earth's Mightiest Heroes. It was the anniversary of the day the Avengers first formed. It had all started out as a ploy by Loki, the God of Evil, to trick the Hulk into destroying Thor, the God of Thunder. Of course things didn't quite go as Loki had planned. His plan to destroy his half-brother ended up with the formation of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

'Oh God, I'm late…' Janet Van Dyne muttered to herself as she struggled to put on her boots as she ran down the stairs. The Winsome Wasp was dressed in one of her old costumes. It was a green bodysuit with a neckline in the shape of a large pink W with matching boots and gloves. It was the same outfit that she was wearing during all that business with the Beyonder the first time around. **(1)**

'I told you we'd be late.' Hank Pym shook his head. The size-changing hero was dressed in his old blue-and-yellow Goliath costume. 'I don't know why you keep all those old costumes.'

'They're retro-chic, darling.' Jan responded as she finally managed to fit her foot inside her boot. 'It's all the rage nowadays.'

'Thank goodness that Tony doesn't take as much notice of fashion as you do.' Hank chuckled. 'Otherwise he'd be wearing that old clunky grey armour of his. I'm surprise he was even able to move in that thing back in the day. It must have weighed a ton.'

Jan stopped to check up on her hair and makeup in front of a mirror before heading downstairs where the rest of the Avengers were waiting.

'Glad to see that you could make it, guys.' Spider-Man quipped. 'If you were up there any longer we would have sent out a search party.'

'You know what it's like…' Jan smiled. 'I can never decide what to wear.'

'Are we all ready to leave then?' Captain America asked his teammates. 'Are we all here?'

'All present and accounted for.' Iron Man answered. 'As long as Jan doesn't have a last minute change of heart.'

'Oh, very funny, Shell Head.' Jan rolled her eyes. 'Let's just go out there and meet our adoring public, okay?'

* * *

**A little while later-**

The Avengers were standing on a parade float flanked by dancers and acrobats dressed as other former members. The float was following a brass band as it headed down the street. Squirrel Girl could barely believe that she was in a parade with the World's Mightiest Heroes.

'Who would have thought that I'd be taking pride of place in a parade with the Avengers.' The fluffy-tailed heroine squeaked in excitement as she waved to the crowd. 'It's like a dream come true!'

'Welcome to the big leagues, kiddo.' She-Hulk patted the younger heroine on the back. 'There's no going back now.'

'I just wish that Mr Immortal and the rest of the GLA were here to see me.' Squirrel Girl sighed sadly. 'I really do miss them.'

'Well, you sent them an invitation.' Ms Marvel reminded her. 'Maybe they were too busy. God knows what they were too busy doing. Milwaukee isn't exactly a hive of villainous activity.'

'Now Carol, the Great Lakes Avengers may not be the most famous of heroes, but that doesn't make them any less heroes than us.' Captain America pointed out.

'Uh-oh. Look out, Spider.' Black Cat grimaced as she noticed a familiar figure in the crowd standing at the side of the road. Spider-Man looked over to see where his teammate was pointing and saw J Jonah Jameson at the front of the crowd.

'You're a menace, Wall-Crawler!' The Daily Bugle's publisher yelled. 'You've got no right be on that float!'

'Aww, isn't that sweet?' Spider-Man smiled. 'Jonah took time out of his busy schedule to come heckle me. It makes you feel so loved, doesn't it?'

'Think about how poor Jen feels.' Wonder Man chipped in. 'She's dating his son!'

'Ooh, nasty.' Spidey grimaced. 'Family dinners must be super-awkward.'

'You have no idea.' She-Hulk shook her head.

'I've been in plenty of these parades, but I'm still amazed to see so many people in the crowd.' The Scarlet Witch said.

'I am always glad to see the people of fair Midgard.' Thor nodded in agreement. 'it doth do my heart well to see so many happy people.'

'Heh. Trust a god to enjoy people worshipping him.' Spider-Man snickered. 'I guess you're used to it, right buddy?'

'I am many things, Spider-Man, but conceited is not one of them.' Thor shook his head. 'I doth enjoy seeing the adoring public, but I do not crave their adoration.'

'Heh. Who'da thunk it?' She-Hulk smirked. 'Humility from the God of Thunder. You weren't always like this, Blondie.'

'Aye, that is correct.' Thor nodded. 'I didst used to be quite the arrogant blackguard.'

'We all have our faults, Thor.' Iron Man added. 'The less said about my early years, the better.'

'Mine too.' The Scarlet Witch nodded. It was a well-known fact that the mutant witch used to be a part of Magneto's Brotherhood of Mutants.

Wanda Maximoff wasn't the only Avenger that used to be a villain, however. Apart from the aforementioned brushes with the law, Black Cat used to be a cat burglar, and Wonder Man was once arrested for embezzling funds from his own company.

'Gee, it's a surprise that there's any room for us law-abiding citizens on the team.' Spider-Man quipped. 'Uh-oh. Spider-sense: Tingling…'

The Wall-Crawler looked up in the sky as he started to feel and all too-familiar tingling sensation at the back of his head.

_**KABOOM!**_

The parade float the Avengers were standing on exploded in a giant ball of flame. Fortunately, the heroes were able to get out of the way in time.

The Avengers began to pick themselves up only to see that they were surrounded by an army of robots dressed in green hooded cloaks. Doombots!

'Spider-Man, Squirrel Girl, Black Cat, Wasp, Goliath. Get the civilians out of the way.' Captain America ordered his teammates. 'Everybody else is with me! _**AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!**_'

**TBC…**

**Next: Doomed From the Start**

_Will the avengers be able to defeat the army of Doombots? Why does Doctor Doom want to disturb the parade? Is Doctor Doom even behind the attack? Tune in next time to find out…_

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_As seen in the original_ Secret Wars_ series._


	27. Doomed From The Start: Part 1

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 27: Doomed From The Start- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

'_I love it when a plan comes together.'_**- Hannibal (The A-Team)**

* * *

**Manhattan-**

'Avengers Assemble!'

The World's Mightiest Heroes leapt into action with barely a second's thought. Captain America had given the team their missions. Cap, Iron Man, Scarlet Witch, Wonder Man, She-Hulk and Thor were taking care of the Doom-Bots that has interrupted the parade that the people of Manhattan had thrown for them. Spider-Man, Squirrel Girl, Black Cat, the Wasp, and Goliath were assigned to make sure that any civilians were kept out of trouble.

Spider-Man swung across the road and grabbed a rather disgruntled J. Jonah Jameson from the path of one of the rampaging Doom-Bots.

'I knew you couldn't be trusted, Wall-Crawler!' Jameson yelled. 'This is all part of a plan with your buddy Doom!'

'Thanks for the gratitude, Jonah.' Spider-Man sighed. 'Or would you rather that I left you there to be trampled by the Doom-Bots?'

'I wouldn't put it past you.' Jameson grumbled as Spidey placed him safely on a rooftop.

'Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue people that actually appreciate being rescued.' Spider-Man said as he swung away once more.

Across the road, Squirrel Girl's rodent companion, Tippy-Toe, squeaked excitedly and pointed towards some of the Doom-Bots that were blasting away at a nearby building.

'Chrt-chrt!'

'That building's going to land on that poor little girl!' Squirrel Girl realised as she noticed a little girl that had somehow become separated from her parents during the Doom-Bot's initial attack.

Squirrel Girl dashed towards the little girl and grabbed her up in her arms just as the building began to topple over. Squirrel Girl held the little girl close and tried to protect her the best she could as the building began to fall around them, but… it didn't.

'Allow me.' Goliath offered with a smile as he propped up the ruined building.

'Phew, thank you.' Squirrel Girl sighed in relief. 'I thought I was a goner.'

'Hey, we Avengers have to look out for each other, don't we?' Goliath responded.

'Kelly! Oh, thank God you're safe!' The little girl's mother sobbed as she ran up to hug her daughter. 'Thank you so much. I don't know what I would have done if something happened to my daughter. She's the only one that I've got left after my husband died.'

'It's all in a day's work for the Avengers, ma'am.' Squirrel Girl smiled. 'Bye-bye, Kelly. I'd love to stay and chat but I have more people to help.'

'We need a medic over here!' Black Cat yelled as she helped pull a man out from underneath some rubble.

'I'm on it.' The Wasp said as she buzzed over. 'I'm no expert, but I know enough first aid to help this man survive until ambulances arrive.'

'Why would Doctor Doom want to attack us during the parade?' Black Cat wondered out loud as she watched her teammate help the injured man.

'Does it matter?' The Wasp responded as she bandaged the injured man's head. 'Doom's one of the bad guys. Attacking the good guys is what he does.'

'It's just… this doesn't seem like something Doom would do.' The white-haired former cat burglar said. 'Sure, he's a bad guy, but he's always made sure to keep innocent bystanders out of the way.'

'Doom's has so much of an ego that he doesn't care about innocents.' The Wasp pointed out. 'They're beneath him.'

'That's kind of harsh, don't you think?' Black Cat asked.

'You tell that to the people that have been hurt by Doom's robots.' The Wasp countered. Captain America landed from a flip near the two heroines.

'I have to agree with Felicia, Jan.' Captain America said as he tossed his shield at one of the Doom-Bots, neatly slicing off the robot's head. 'This attack doesn't seem like Doom at all. Whenever we've come up against him, his plans always seem more subtle, completely different to an all-out blatant attack like this.'

'It matters not what reasons Doom has for attacking, Captain.' Thor added as he called down the lighting to destroy more Doom-Bots. 'However, once the battle is done, Doom had best beware, for the son of Odin wouldst have words with him.'

'Uh-oh.' She-Hulk grimaced as she tore apart another one of the Doom-Bots. 'Doom's in for it now. He's got a vengeful god after him now.'

'Yeah, Thor's angry.' Wonder Man quipped as he punched a hole through the chest of one of the Doom-Bots. 'You wouldn't like him when he's angry.'

'My sensors are telling me that these aren't any normal Doom-Bots.' Iron Man reported as he held up a head of one of the robots. 'There's something in their programming that I can't quite make out.'

'Perhaps Doom has given his robots an upgrade.' The Scarlet Witch suggested as she used a hex bolt to subdue the last of the Doom-Bots. 'Could that be it?'

'I'm not sure, Wanda…' Iron Man frowned. 'There's something familiar about the programming, but I can't quite place where I recognise it from.'

'You have to admit, these robots were pretty easy to beat.' Wonder Man said as he dumped some of the ruined Doom-Bots in a pile. 'Usually these things are pretty darn tough, but these came apart like a soggy tissue.'

'Do you think somebody's making cheap knock-offs of the Doom-Bots?' Ms Marvel asked as she added more Doom-Bots to the pile.

'I'll have to take a closer look at this thing.' Iron Man said. 'Hank, do you want to join me?'

'Hey, you know me, Tony.' Goliath smiled. 'I'm always glad to lend a hand when there's evil robots to be dissected.'

'In that case, the rest of us had better pay Doom a visit.' Captain America nodded. 'Avengers, let's go to Latveria.'

* * *

**A little while later-**

Captain America and the other Avengers were sitting onboard a Quinjet speeding towards Latveria while Iron Man and Goliath stayed at the mansion to try and determine the origin of the Doom-Bots that had attacked the parade.

'This must be familiar territory for you, Doreen.' Ms Marvel said to the younger heroine. 'You beat Doom once before, didn't you?'

'Aww, jeez. Not this old chestnut again.' Spider-Man groaned. 'You don't actually believe that story, do you?'

'It isn't a story, Peter.' Ms Marvel told her teammate. 'Doreen did beat Doctor Doom once. Hell, Tony was there. You can ask him if you want.'

'I might have beaten Doctor Doom once before, but that wasn't on his own ground.' Squirrel Girl reminded her teammates. 'We're heading for Latveria. Doom's bound to have some tricks up his sleeves to help himself win.'

'Don't fret so much, kid.' The Wasp chipped in. 'We've all got your back. If Doom attacks one of us, he attacks us all. Right, guys?'

'Of course we will, kiddo.' She-Hulk grinned as she ruffled Squirrel Girl's hair. 'You're one of us now. Just think of this as another story to tell your kids one day.'

'Oh gosh, children?' Squirrel Girl blushed. 'Robbie and I… we've hardly… I mean…'

'You'll have to excuse Jennifer.' The Scarlet Witch apologised for her friend. 'She has a filthy mind.'

'Aww, don't act like you don't love it, Wanda.' She-Hulk responded with a cheeky grin. 'You know as much as I do…'

_**KABOOM!**_

'What the heck was that?' Wonder Man exclaimed as something hit the Quinjet.

'I think it's safe to say that Doom knows that we're here.' Black Cat surmised.

'Well then, what are we waiting for?' Thor asked. 'To battle!'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Doomed From The Start- Part 2**

_Was Doctor Doom really behind the Doom-Bots' attack on the parade? If not, then who was is behind it all? Tune in next time to find out…_


	28. Doomed From The Start: Part 2

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 28: Doomed From The Start- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**Latveria-**

The Quinjet carrying the Earth's Mightiest Heroes touched down in Latveria amidst heavy fire from Doom-Bots. Fortunately, Tony Stark had just upgraded the Quinjet's armour. It could even withstand a hissy-fit from the Hulk.

'_**AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!**_' Captain America ordered the heroes as they piled out of the Quinjet. 'Let's take these robots down!'

'Ah, there's nothing like good old-fashioned Latverian hospitality.' Spider-Man quipped as he swung on a web line above one Doom-Bots head to land right behind it.

_**THWIP!**_

The Wall-Crawler shot out another web line that snagged the back of the Doom-Bot's head. Spider-Man gave the line a tug, pulling the Doom-Bot off its feet before swinging the captured robot above his head. Once the Doom-Bot had been sufficiently disorientated, Spider-Man let go of the web line, sending the robot crashing into a nearby tree where it exploded upon impact, scattering pieces all over.

'Begone, robotic miscreants!' Thor commanded as he spun the mighty Mjolnir above his head, summoning bolts of lightning to destroy more of the Doom-Bots.

_**KRAKOOM!**_

'Doom shall rue the day that he didst cross the Avengers.' Thor stated as he caved in another Doom-Bot's head with his enchanted hammer.

'We still don't know that Doom is the one behind this.' Captain America reminded the God of Thunder as he tossed his shield, deftly decapitating a row of Doom-Bots. 'I still say the attack on the parade was too blatant for him.'

'Of course Doom is behind this!' The Wasp grumbled as she buzzed around, zapping Doom-Bots with her bio-electric stings. 'If he wasn't behind the attack on the parade, why sic his Doom-Bots on us as soon as we arrived in Latverian airspace?'

'Doctor Doom has never been keen on uninvited guests.' Squirrel Girl shrugged as she used her tail to sweep one Doom-Bot's legs from under it. 'Do you think we should have called ahead?'

'For what reason?' Wonder Man asked as he tore a Doom-Bot in two. 'So he can have his goons lay out a welcome dinner for us? I don't think so. A surprise attack is better.'

'This still doesn't explain why Doom sent those Doom-Bots after us.' Ms Marvel said as she incinerated more Doom-Bots with an energy blast.

'I agree.' The Scarlet Witch concurred as she took out some Doom-Bots with a hex bolt. 'I don't think Doom is the one behind this at all. It just isn't like him.

'Why not?' She-Hulk shrugged as she punched the head off yet another Doom-Bot. 'It's as Jan said, Doom's a bad guy. Attacking good guys is what he does.'

'Cease this farce!'

Much to the Avengers' surprise, the Doom-Bots stopped in their tracks.

'What in the-?' Captain America blinked as the Doom-Bots parted to reveal their master. Doctor Doom didn't look best pleased.

'What in the-?' Spider-Man's jaw dropped under his mask.

'How did he-?!' Wasp gasped.

'Man, nobody stays dead anymore.' Wonder Man groaned. 'And this is me talking!'

'You are intruding on sovereign territory.' Doom stated. 'Leave now or face Doom's wrath.'

'We will not leave, villain, until we receive answers.' Thor growled, glowering down at Doom.

'Cease your posturing, Thunder God.' Doom retorted evenly. 'Doom fears no man, nor God.'

'Stand down, Thor.' Cap ordered the Son of Odin. 'Doom, we're here because a squad of Doom-Bots attacked us during a parade that the people of Manhattan threw for us.'

'Yes, I was aware of the attack.' The tin-plated monarch nodded. 'Why should Doom care about an attack from obviously fake Doom-Bots?'

'If it is an imposter, don't you want to know who's behind it?' Squirrel Girl asked. 'I mean, they stole your plans. Do you want them to take the credit for possibly killing the Avengers?' The tyrant put his hand on his chin in thought.

'Hmm, you make an intriguing point.' Doom nodded. 'Perhaps it will suit my purposes to investigate this matter. Or better yet, have somebody else investigate. Hopefully those responsible will destroy you in the process.'

'Gee, you sure are a regular ray of sunshine, Doc.' Spider-Man sighed.

'Now leave, you are beginning to bore me.' Doom waved the Avengers away. 'You may leave.'

'What, is that it?' She-Hulk blinked. 'Is that all we get?'

'You actually believed that I would assist you?' Doom chuckled. 'Then you are even more foolish than I first thought.'

'Why you…' She-Hulk growled as she made a grab for Doom.

'Jennifer, no!' The Scarlet Witch said as she tried to hold back the Jade Giantess. Ms. Marvel and Wonder Man leapt to her aid.

'Yes, heed your teammate's words, Walters.' Doom retorted. 'I am rapidly beginning to feel less charitable. You had best depart while you are able.'

With that, Doom turned his back on the Avengers and strode away, his cloak trailing behind him.

'Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do than head on home.' Captain America sighed. 'This mission has been a bust. Let's hope that Hank and Tony have had better luck.'

* * *

**Avengers Mansion, meanwhile-**

Hank Pym and Tony Stark were busy in the lab tinkering with the remains of one of the Doom-Bots that had attacked the Avengers during the anniversary parade.

'I know I've seen this circuitry somewhere before.' Hank Pym frowned. 'But I can't place it. It's nagging something in the back of my mind but I can't think what it is.'

'Take it easy, Hank.' Tony advised his teammate. 'You'll run yourself ragged worrying. Take some time off and relax. This Doom-Bot isn't going anywhere.'

'I can't just let it go, Tony.' Hank sighed as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. 'Something's telling me that I have to get to the bottom of this.'

'We'll have to get to the bottom of this tomorrow.' Tony reassured him. 'You've been working non-stop since Cap and the others departed for Latveria. Jan won't be happy if you work yourself to death.'

'Yeah, I guess you're right.' Hank nodded. 'It's just… it feels good to be part of the team.'

'It's good to have you back, Hank.' Tony smiled as he patted his friend on the back. 'Now come on, let's get some coffee, then we can get back to work.'

'You know, the person behind this will most probably be some Z-List villain that we've all forgotten about.' Hank smiled as he walked alongside Tony. 'How embarrassing would that be? Getting suckered by somebody like the Tinkerer.'

Unseen by the two laughing Avengers, the remains of the Doom-Bot was still active. The robot's eyes were still broadcasting data to its master. Or to be more precise, its mistress!

'Those fools!' The mechanical villainess known as Alkhema laughed in her secret hideaway many miles away. 'They don't have the faintest idea who's behind this. Poor brainless flesh-creatures. I almost feel guilty that I have to destroy them.'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

Next: Heavy Metal

_Alkhema continues her plan to destroy the Avengers. What's her plan? Robots. Lots and lots of robots._


	29. Heavy Metal: Part 1

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 29: Heavy Metal- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

* * *

**Location unknown-**

The cybernetic villainess known as Alkhema marched along a line of robots, her own private army. The former bride of Ultron stopped at the end of the line and turned to address her underlings.

'I have prepared for this moment for many months.' Alkhema told her robotic lackeys. 'Now is the time to strike. Now is the time to destroy the Avengers!'

The robot lackeys just stood there and stared back at their mistress blankly.

'Well, what are you waiting for?' Alkhema asked them. 'Go out there and kill the Avengers!'

Without another word, Alkhema's robot lackeys activated the booster jets on the bottom of their feet and blasted out of her secret hideaway.

* * *

**Avengers Mansion-**

Tony Stark and Hank Pym were still busily tinkering with the remains of one of the Doom-Bots that attacked the Avengers' anniversary parade. A visit to Latveria proved that Doctor Doom wasn't the one behind the attack. The two Avengers were still no closer to discovering the culprit.

'This Doom-Bots mystery is driving me nuts!' Hank Pym grimaced as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. 'We've been at this for days, and we still have no answers.'

'I'm as frustrated as you are, Hank.' Tony explained as he plugged his Iron Man armour into the Doom-Bot's head. 'Perhaps my armour's systems will be able to decipher everything.'

'Are you sure that's a wise idea, Tony?' Hank frowned in worry. 'Whoever engineered these fake Doom-Bots could have infected it with a virus with especially you in mind.'

'I'm sure my armour can withstand anything this thing can throw at it.' Tony responded. 'I had my anti-virus systems upgraded in case of such an emergency.'

Hank simply nodded and let his teammate go about his work. Then something struck him. He finally remembered where he had seen the familiar circuitry before.'

'I can't believe I didn't notice this before!' The blond scientist threw his hands up in realisation. 'It's been staring me in the face! I know who's behind the fake Doom-Bots, Tony! This whole thing has got Ultron's fingerprints all over it!'

'Oh, so close.' The Doom-Bot chirped, taking the two Avengers by surprise. 'I'm afraid that dear old Ultron is still in the scrap heap.'

'I'd recognise that voice anywhere.' Hank narrowed his eyes in anger. 'Alkhema!'

'It always amazes me how stupid you humans really are.' Alkhema chuckled. 'I dare say that Stark will be trying to trace this signal as we speak. I'm afraid I can't let that happen. Goodbye Avengers. I would say that it has been a pleasure knowing you, but we'd all know that I would be lying, wouldn't we?'

_**BOOM!**_

A massive explosion shook the lab the two Avengers were standing. Alarms started to blare all through the mansion.

'We're under attack!' Tony realised as he unplugged his armour from the remains of the Doom-Bot. 'Alkhema must have sent more of her robotic lackeys after us!'

'We'll have to trace the signal later, Tony.' Hank explained. 'It won't do us any good if the mansion gets destroyed.'

Tony simply nodded in response and headed out to combat the threat to the mansion.

* * *

**Outside-**

Tony and Hank were suited up and ready for battle. Upon getting outside they discovered that the battle had already begun. Captain America and the other Avengers were dealing with Alkhema's robot lackeys with little trouble.

'Let me guess, Ultron is blame for all this.' Spider-Man said as he shot a glob of web in one of the robot's face.

_**THWIP!**_

'Close, but not quite.' Iron Man said as he zapped another robot with a repulsor blast. 'It's Alkhema. She left us a goodbye message.'

_**ZAPT!**_

'With the who now?' Spider-Man blinked in confusion.

'Ultron created Alkhema when Jocasta turned her back on him.' Squirrel Girl chipped in as she vaulted over one of the robots.

'Jeez, how do know all this stuff?' Spidey sighed.

'I used to collect Avengers trading cards.' Squirrel Girl admitted. 'Plus, I read all about her in the Avengers' files.'

'All this chatter is fine and good, but we're getting nowhere fast.' Ms Marvel pointed out as she blasted one of the robots and punched off the head of another. 'We can only hold these things back for so long. Super powered heroes or not, we still get tired.'

'Pray let me remedy this situation…' Thor offered as he began to spin his enchanted hammer over his head.

'Uh-oh.' She-Hulk grimaced. 'I think it might be a good idea to take cover.'

'Good idea, Jen.' Cap nodded in agreement. 'Avengers, retreat!'

The other Avengers did as they were told and took cover as Thor did his thing.

'Lightning, heed thy master! Strike down and smite these robotic miscreants with thy fury!' The Thunder God bellowed as the sky started to darken around him.

_**KRAKOOM!!**_

A massive bolt of lightning shot down from the sky and blasted Alkhema's robot lackeys to smithereens. Once the smoke had cleared, the Avengers started to come out from where they had sought refuge.

'Wow, I never get tired of seeing you do that.' Wonder Man congratulated his godly teammate with a pat on the back. 'Don't you think Jarvis will be angry once he sees the state the lawn is in?'

'I'm sure he won't mind, Simon.' The Scarlet Witch responded as she scraped at a patch of charred grass with the tip of her boot. 'I'm sure he wouldn't mind a little bit of charred grass when you consider the alternative.'

'Where the heck did these things come from anyway?' Black Cat enquired. 'Don't tell me we have to go traipsing halfway around the world again.'

'Luckily, Alkhema's lackeys didn't stop my armour's systems from calculating her goodbye message to us.' Iron Man explained. 'Alkhema's holed herself up somewhere in New Jersey.'

'Didn't you used to have an old lab somewhere in Jersey, Hank?' The Wasp remembered.

'Jersey? _Seriously?' _Spider-Man grimaced. 'I think I speak for everybody here when I saw _eww!_'

'It seemed to be a good idea at the time.' Hank admitted. 'The lab was situated in a nice quiet patch of forest where I could carry on with my experiments without worrying about people interrupting me.'

'Then what are we waiting for?' Captain America asked the team. 'Let's show Alkhema that we don't take kindly to having our home attacked.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Heavy Metal- Part 2**

_The Avengers travel to New Jersey to take the fight to Alkhema._


	30. Heavy Metal: Part 2

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 30: Heavy Metal- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**The skies above New Jersey-**

The Quinjet tore through the skies above New Jersey. Alkhema had somehow commandeered some Doombots and had set them upon the World's Mightiest Heroes during their anniversary parade. **(1) **Mistakenly thinking that Doctor Doom was behind the attack, the heroes tore off to Latveria to give Doom a good talking to. **(2) **Once it was apparent that Doom was innocent, the Avengers headed on home only to be attacked by more robots. **(3) **Thankfully, Tony Stark and Hank Pym had managed to trace the robots back to their home base in an abandoned lab complex in New Jersey that Hank Pym had once used.

'So, Alkhema is one of the brides of Ultron, right?' Spider-Man asked Captain America as he leant over the seat in front of him.

'Yes, that's right.' The Star-Spangled Sentinel of Liberty confirmed with a nod. 'Ultron created Alkhema when Jocasta, his previous bride, turned against him.'

'Jeez, Ultron goes through women faster than Hugh Hefner.' Spidey sniffed. 'Y'know, if Hef was a homicidal robot who wanted to kill all humans.'

The Wall-Crawler then let out a little chuckle.

'Heh. Now I'm imagining Ultron in a smoking jacket surrounded by lots of sexy women.'

'Keep your mind on the job, Spider-Man.' Ms Marvel told him. 'Alkhema is just as dangerous as Ultron, if not more so. Ultron wants to kill all humans, but Alkhema wants to have fun doing it.'

'Hey, we can't lose as long as we have Squirrel Girl on our side.' Black Cat piped up. 'Why, I bet she could take down Alkhema all on her own.'

'I don't know about that…' Squirrel Girl blinked nervously. 'I've never fought anybody like Alkhema before.'

'Girl, you beat Thanos.' Black Cat reminded her. 'An overgrown bunch of nuts and bolts like Alkhema would be a pushover.'

'Look alive, people!' Captain America announced from his position in the pilot's seat. 'We're approaching Alkhema's position. We have to be careful. There's no telling what sort of surprises she has planned for us.'

* * *

**Down below-**

Unfortunately for the Avengers, Alkhema was already aware of their arrival. The psychotic robot chuckled evilly as she watched the approaching Quinjet on a monitor screen.

'War Toys, give our guests a suitably warm welcome, will you?'

Alkhema's robotic minions didn't give any reply as they headed outside to take care of the intruders. Alkhema continued to watched intently as the Quinjet flew ever closer.

'It's a pity Hawkeye is in the West Coast.' Alkhema muttered to herself. 'He always was so much fun to play with. Oh, well. Perhaps I'll pay him a visit once I've taken care of these flesh-bags.'

* * *

**Outside-**

No sooner had the Quinjet landed outside the old lab, then the Avengers found themselves under attack by Alkhema's robotic minions.

'Well, Alkhema didn't waste any time in sending out the welcoming committee, did she?' She-Hulk quipped as she got ready for a fight.

'It matters not when she sends out her mechanical minions.' Thor countered. 'We will defeat them no matter what.'

'I have to agree with the big guy on this one.' Wonder Man confirmed with a smirk. 'Alkhema isn't exactly well-known for creating decent lackeys.'

'Less talk, more smash!' She-Hulk told her teammates as she punched her fist through one of the robots.

'She-Hulk is right.' The Scarlet Witch said as she destroyed another one of the mechanical villains with a well-aimed hex bolt to the chest. 'Poor-made lackeys or not, Alkhema is still dangerous.'

'Gee, the way you keep going on you'd think Alkhema is some kind of scary killer robot.' Spider-Man countered as he shot a glob of webbing in the face of yet another robot. 'Oh wait, she _is _some kind of scary killer robot.'

'_Enough!_' Thor growled as he held Mjolnir aloft. 'This effrontery ends now!'

_**KRAKOOM!**_

A bolt of lightning shot down from the sky blasting all of the robotic minions to pieces, and sending the Avengers scrambling for cover.

'Geez, let us know when you plan to do something like that, will you?' The Wasp sniffed as got up to her feet and dusted herself off. 'I bet my hair's all staticky now. You'll be hearing from my hairdresser. Andre isn't going to be pleased.'

'Hey, I thought I was supposed to be the one making the funny.' Spider-Man pointed out. 'If you're going to keep stealing my bit, I'm gonna have to start changing my costume all the time.'

'Just as long as you don't dress in some silly Iron-Spidey suit with extra arms, then I won't care.' The Wasp shrugged.

'That's enough chatter for now.' Captain America told the heroes. 'We'd better get inside before Alkhema sends out any more of her robots.'

**

* * *

**

**Inside-**

Alkhema waited patiently for the Avengers to arrive in her inner sanctum. She was in no hurry to destroy the pesky heroes.

'It's such a pity that I have to kill the Avengers.' Alkhema muttered to herself. 'Perhaps I'll clone them all, then kill them again. No, that's a needless waste of resources. There are many more heroic bags of meat to play with. I think I'll set a play date with the X-Men once I'm finished here.'

'You've got one thing right, Alkhema!' Captain America said as the Avengers made their entrance. 'This little escapade of yours is over!'

'Ooh, Captain.' Alkhema cooed. 'You're so manly. I bet you say that to all the murderous robots.'

'A word to the wise, Alkhema.' Iron Man recommended. 'Give up while you're still in one piece and we can end this quietly.'

'Speak for yourself, Iron Man.' Alkhema laughed. 'There's no point in playing unless there's a bit of noise. War Toys, destroy them!'

The remaining robotic minions did as they were commanded and advanced on the Avengers.

'Oh great, more robots.' Black Cat grimaced. 'How many of these things does she have anyway?'

'More than enough.' Yellowjacket responded as he began to grow upwards towards the ceiling. Soon the size-shifting hero had crashed right through the roof. Sunlight shone through the freshly-made hole.

'She-Hulk, I have an idea…' Squirrel Girl looked at the Emerald Amazon as she picked up an iron bar. 'Have you ever heard of the Fastball Special?'

'Are you sure the X-Men won't mind us ripping off their gimmick?' The Jade Giantess enquired as she picked up the younger heroine. 'Aww, heck. I'm a lawyer, we'll discuss copyright infringement later.'

She-Hulk tossed Squirrel Girl above the heads of Alkhema's War Toys. The bushy-tailed heroine somersaulted in midair and plunged the iron bar into Alkhema's gaping Jack O' Lantern-like mouth.

'Ahh! Damned rodent!' Alkhema hissed as she tried to yank the iron bar free. Unfortunately for her it was stuck fast. 'Ow. That hurts, dammit.'

'Thor, it's your turn!' Squirrel Girl waved as she turned towards the God of Thunder.

'Aye.' Thor nodded in understanding as he spun his enchanted hammer above his head. 'Perhaps it would be wise if you did take cover.'

The other Avengers did as they were told and sought cover as Thor called down the lightning once more.

_**KRAKOOM!**_

The lightning hit the iron bar sticking out of Alkhema's mouth, sending thousands of volts coursing through her inner systems.

'_**SQUEEEEE!!**_' Alkhema screamed as the lightning bolt shorted out her systems, making her shudder violently, only to stop.

'Where's the kaboom?' Spider-Man enquired as he peeked out from the upturned table he had taken refuge behind. 'Where's the earth-shattering kaboom?'

_**KABOOM!**_

'Eep!'

Spider-Man ducked back behind the table as Alkhema's body exploded, sending bits of her robotic body flying all over the place.

'Well, it looks like Squirrel Girl saved the day once more.' The Wasp chuckled as she and the other Avengers stepped out from where they had been sheltering. 'We should all give up the hero business and let her fight the bad guys all the time.'

'I didn't do it all on my own.' Squirrel Girl said. 'We all worked together. Isn't that what being on a team together is all about, teamwork?'

'Thanks, Squirrel Girl.' Spider-Man quipped. 'Now I know, and knowing is half the battle!' (**4)**

'Oh, God.' She-Hulk grimaced as she held her head in her hands. 'I can't believe you went there.'

'What?' Spidey asked as he held up his hands innocently. 'Can I help it if I like the classics?'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Kidnapped by the Acolytes**

_The Acolytes attack the World's Mightiest Heroes, but what do they want with the Scarlet Witch?_

_

* * *

_

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_The Doombots attacked the Avengers' anniversary parade in chapter 26._

**(2)- **_The Avengers headed out to Latveria to talk to Doom in chapter 27._

**(3)- **_The Avengers were attacked by Alkhema's robots in chapter 29._

**(4)- **_Gratuitous __G.I. Joe reference._


	31. Kidnapped by the Acolytes: Part 1

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 31: Kidnapped by the Acolytes- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**Avengers Mansion-**

Steve Rogers waited patiently at the bottom of the stairs. He was waiting for Wanda Maximoff to finish getting ready. The pair were supposed to be having a romantic dinner together, but Janet Van Dyne had taken it upon herself to choose Wanda's outfit for the evening.

'Wanda still not ready?' Peter Parker asked as he walked up to Steve. The arachnid-empowered young man was holding a large bag of chips.

'She's still up there with Jan.' Steve explained. 'They're trying to decide what to wear.'

'It's not like Wanda needs help getting dressed or anything.' Peter shrugged as he shovelled a handful of potato chips into his mouth. 'But you know Jan, any excuse to futz with somebody's fashion sense. I heard she keeps trying to convince Doreen to change her outfit. The last one had wings on the arms. Sure, it's okay if you're a flying squirrel, but it just looks dumb if you're human-sized.'

Steve frowned as he brushed crumbs of potato chips off his sleeve.

'Peter, do you mind?' The Star-Spangled Sentinel of Liberty frowned. 'This jacket has just been washed. Would you mind not spraying me with half-eaten pieces of chips?'

'Gee, sorry Cap.' Peter rolled his eyes. 'I was only trying to make conversation.'

The Web-Slinger turned around and departed in search of somebody else to talk to. Once he had gone, Steve turned to look back up the stairs. Wanda still wasn't ready. The super-soldier sighed. If she took any longer he would have to go up there and get her.

Steve sighed in relief as Jan stepped out onto the top of the stairs.

'Presenting, wearing the latest addition to the Van Dyne line for lovely ladies, Wanda Maximoff!'

Jan gave her reluctant model a brisk applause as she began to walk down the stairs. Wanda was wearing a low-cut red dress with white puffy sleeves and golden adornments.

'Wanda, you look beautiful…' Steve said as he took his date's hand in his.

'I do wish that Jan could have designed something a little less revealing though .' Wanda frowned slightly.

'Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it honey.' Jan grinned. 'Now come on, get out there you two. You're going to miss your reservations otherwise.'

* * *

**Manhattan, later-**

Steve and Wanda walked hand-in-hand through the streets of Manhattan. The pair had just enjoyed a lovely meal at Wanda's favourite restaurant, the Cafe Transia, a restaurant that served the cuisine for her homeland. They had both decided upon a walk home. They could pick the car up later. The night was too beautiful to waste.

'It is such a wonderful night, Steve.' Wanda smiled as he lay her head on her date's shoulders.

'It's even more beautiful spending it with you.' Steve complimented her.

'Oh, stop it.' Wanda blushed as she playfully pushed him away. 'I wish you wouldn't say things like that.'

'Well, it's the truth.' Steve pointed out. 'You're beautiful, and just spending time with you makes the night perfect.'

Wanda just smiled and linked hands with her date again.

'What do you say to some ice-cream?' Steve enquired. 'A perfect end to a perfect night?'

'Oh, I couldn't possibly eat another thing.' Wanda shook her head. 'Besides, ice-cream always goes straight to my hips.'

'Not even one little ice-cream cone?' Steve prodded her. 'It's not like one single ice-cream will hurt you.'

'Hmm, perhaps.' Wanda nodded. 'I do like ice-cream, but only one.'

Steve gently squeezed Wanda's hand as he led her over to a nearby ice-cream vendor.

_**BADOOM!**_

The vendor's stall exploded in a fireball, killing the unfortunate ice-cream seller instantly. Wanda gasped in horror, and Steve clenched his fists in outrage.

'You two make such a wonderful couple.' The Acolyte known as Unuscione grinned evilly. 'It's a pity we have to ruin such a beautiful night.' The other members of the Acolytes appeared, joining Unuscione in the street.

'You monster!' Steve snarled at the mutant woman. 'That man caused you no harm.'

'He was human.' Unuscione shrugged. 'That was reason enough to kill him.'

Steve pressed a button on his watch, and a photonic version of his shield appeared. He always it in case he was ever caught without his usual shield.

'I wouldn't do that if I were you, Captain…' Senyaka warned Steve as he grabbed the Star-Spangled Sentinel of Liberty by the wrists with his energy whips. 'We're here for the mutant traitor. Killing you is a bonus.'

'Whatever my father wants, you can tell him to go to Hell.' Wanda retorted. 'I'll never join him!'

'Who says that Magneto is the one commanding us?' The Acolyte known as Gargouille laughed. 'He is as big a traitor as you. The Acolytes used to serve him, but he was deemed unfit to lead us. We serve another now.'

'Then I guess we'll have to beat the necessary information out of you.' Steve scowled as he slammed his elbow into Senyaka's face, releasing himself from the Acolyte's coils.

_**CRACK!**_

'Kill him!' Senyaka hissed, clutching his bleeding nose.

'I'm on it!' The super-strong Acolyte known as Cargill said as she pounded her fists into the ground.

_**DOOM!**_

Steve vaulted over Cargill's shoulders and hit her on the back of the head with his shield.

'Is that the best you've got, little man?' Cargill laughed. 'It'll take a lot more than that to take me down.'

_**SKRAM!**_

A hex bolt from Wanda propelled Cargill off her feet to crash through a nearby water fountain.

'Will that do?' Wanda smirked triumphantly.

'Subdue the woman!' Senyaka commanded the rest of the Acolytes. 'We want her unharmed, remember?'

'Who died and made you the leader?' The Acolyte known as Static sneered as she tried to zap Wanda with a bio-electric blast, only to receive a hex bolt for her trouble.

'You're all useless!' Chrome rolled his eyes as he grabbed Wanda by the hand. 'I'll take care of this, I suppose.' Chrome used his powers of elemental transmutation to change the air around Wanda's body into that of metal, trapping her in a chrome cocoon.

'Wanda! You son of a…!' Steve yelled as he dashed towards the Acolyte that had just captured his girlfriend.

'Not so fast, lover boy.' The Acolyte known as Barnacle laughed as he grabbed hold of Steve's shoulder and used his own powers to harden the moisture around the hero's body into his own restricting shell.

'Let's get out of here.' Senyaka told the rest of the mutant villains. 'Captain America isn't going anywhere. Leave him here.'

With that the Acolytes disappeared in a flash of light, leaving Steve all alone in his hardened shell.

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Kidnapped by the Acolytes- Part 2**

_With the Scarlet Witch captured and Captain America imprisoned, what will happen now? Tune in next time to find out!_


	32. Kidnapped by the Acolytes: Part 2

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 32: Kidnapped by the Acolytes- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

* * *

**Manhattan-**

A Quinjet came in for a landing at the site of Captain America and the Scarlet Witch's short-lived fight against the Acolytes. Apparently somebody had been filming the whole fight on their camera phone. Luckily, Ms Marvel was on monitor duty when they news of the battle was broadcast on the news. The authorities were still examining the shell-like cocoon that contained Captain America.

'Stand back, let the Avengers handle this!' Thor commanded as he made his way towards the cocoon containing his friend. 'Mjolnir's might shall free Captain America!'

'Thor, no!' Iron Man put out an armoured hand to stop the God of Thunder. 'There's no telling what could happen if you start smashing that thing with your hammer. We'd better get it back to the mansion and find a way to free Cap there.'

'Aye, perhaps.' Thor nodded in understanding. 'It would be a gross dishonour if our friend were to die during our attempts to free him.'

'If your men are finished here, officer, we'd like to take Cap back to Avengers Mansion with us.' Iron Man told the police officer in charge.

'Heck, help yourself.' The officer shrugged. 'We don't have the faintest idea what to do with it.'

'What are we going to do about Wanda?' She-Hulk asked as she carefully hefted Cap's cocoon up onto her shoulders. 'I don't suppose anyone has any idea where her kidnappers took her.'

'My sensors are scanning for any unusual energy signatures.' Iron Man responded. 'Ah, there we go. Our kidnappers teleported in from Genosha.'

'Then what are we waiting for?' Wonder Man asked. 'Let's go rescue Wanda!'

**Avengers Mansion, later-**

Fortunately, the Avengers were able to free Captain America from his cocoon without too much trouble back at Avengers Mansion. Iron Man had departed to Genosha with several of the Avengers, leaving Ms Marvel holding the fort. Cap had yet to regain consciousness, so the Avengers had sent for Doctor Jane Foster, and old friend of Thor's. The doctor was attending to the unconscious Sentinel of Liberty when she heard a groan come from her patient.

'Wanda…'

'Hey there, sleepy head…' Doctor Foster smiled. 'Nice of you to join us.'

'Wanda!' Cap yelled as he sat upright. 'Where have they taken Wanda?'

'Iron Man's already taking care of it.' Doctor Foster told her patient. 'He's headed off to Genosha with some of the other Avengers.'

'I have to go to Genosha!' Cap grunted as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. 'I have to save her!'

Unfortunately, the Star-Spangled Avenger hadn't yet regained his full strength. His legs buckled underneath him and he fell to the floor.

'You're not going anywhere, Cap.' Doctor Foster explained as she made a grab for the weakened Captain America. She groaned under the strain of the hero's weight. 'God, you're heavy. What have you been eating?'

Cap reluctantly allowed himself to be put back into bed.

'Iron Man and the others didn't want to wait until you woke up before going to rescue the Scarlet Witch.' Doctor Foster explained. 'There's no telling what those maniacs could have done to her.'

'The Acolytes wanted Wanda alive.' Cap remembered. 'If they wanted her hurt they would have done so right there in the street. The Acolytes don't mess around.'

'The Acolytes…' Doctor Foster frowned. 'They're a group of mutants that thought Magneto was their Messiah or something, aren't they?'

'Formerly.' Cap explained. 'They seem to believe that Magneto is a traitor to their cause now. I don't know who's leading them now. They've been a thorn in the X-Men's side for a long time now. Fabian Cortez, their former leader, even kidnapped poor little Luna Maximoff. **(1) **He wanted to kill her just for the crime of being born human.'

'What happened to this Cortez?' Doctor Foster wondered.

'Magneto killed him shortly before Genosha was destroyed.' **(2) **Cap recounted.

'Could he have been brought back to life somehow?' Doctor Foster surmised.

'I don't think so.' Cap shook his head. 'Cortez wasn't one to miss out on a chance to gloat over his enemies. If he was behind Wanda's kidnapping, he would have made himself known.'

'Well, I just hope she's brought back safe.' Doctor Foster sighed. 'That poor woman has been through too much over the years.'

* * *

**The Bar With No Name-**

A tall muscular woman walked into the infamous villain bar known only as The Bar With No Name. The woman was Mary 'Skeeter' MacPherran, aka the super-strong villainess Titania. Titania strolled across to a table where a silver-haired woman with several cybernetic arms was sitting.

'I hear you're some sort of spellcaster.' Titania stated.

'Do you mind?' The multi-armed sorceress known as Spiral sighed. 'I'm trying to drink in peace. I didn't come to this dump to get harassed by some fat tramp dressed like an S&M reject.' The powerhouse clenched her fists and gritted her teeth in anger, but bit bit it down. She couldn't afford to give Spiral a beating now. Besides, there was a strict no brawling rule in the bar. She didn't want to end up getting banned.

'I've got a proposition for you.' Titania grumbled as she took a seat apposite Spiral, ignoring the other woman's insults. 'I want you to ruin She-Hulk's life. She's cost me my reputation, my husband… Okay, she constantly embarrasses me.'

'Okay, okay. Enough with the sob story.' Spiral interrupted. 'A job like the one you're suggesting won't come cheap. Have you got the collateral?

Titania reached into her cleavage and pulled out a wad of bills.

'Will that be enough?'

Spiral picked up the roll of cash and began to count the notes.

'It'll do for now.' The sorceress nodded. 'So, what do you have in mind?'

'I want you to ruin She-Hulk's life like she's ruined mine!' Titania demanded. 'I want her to feel the pain of what it feels like to be a nobody! I want her to feel like her life is worthless! When it's over I want She-Hulk to feel like there's nothing else worth living for.'

'Wow. You really do have issues with that woman, don't you?' Spiral sniffed.

'What did you say?' Titania glowered at the silver-haired cybernetic woman.

'Oh, forget it.' Spiral sighed. 'I'll take your job. You never know, it might end up being a bit of fun. I've never toyed with any of the Avengers before. Should be a pleasant experience.'

* * *

**Next: One Bad Day**

_She-Hulk is having a really bad day. She has lost her job, and her apartment. What else could possibly go wrong?_

_Also, for the Avenger's adventures in Genosha, check out upcoming chapters of '_Uncanny New X-Men'_._

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Cortez kidnapped Luna Maximoff prior to the_ Bloodties_ crossover in various Avengers and X-Men books._

**(2)- **_Magneto killed Cortez in _Magneto: Dark Seduction 4.


	33. One Bad Day: Part 1

**The Uncanny Avengers**

**Chapter 33: One Bad Day- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

* * *

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

* * *

**The law offices of Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg and Holliway-**

Jennifer Walters waited patiently outside the office of Holden Holliway, her boss at the legal firm where she worked. She had been summoned to a meeting with Holliway and was waiting to be sent into his office. There was a buzz of an intercom and the sound of Mr Holliway's voice came from the machine.

'Jenna, will you show Ms Walters into my office, please.' Mr Holliway requested.

'Mr Holliway will see you now.' Jenna, Holliway's secretary said. Jennifer stood up and entered the office.

'You wanted to see me, sir?' Jennifer said.

'Jennifer, please sit down.' Holliway said as he indicated a vacant chair. Jennifer did as requested and took a seat.

'Is there something wrong, sir?' Jennifer asked. 'If it's about eating that sandwich in the fridge, I thought it was mine. It was wrapped up in the same brown bag as my lunch.'

'Jennifer, it has come to my attention that somebody has been… abusing the photocopier on the third floor.' Holliway explained. 'The janitor found the photocopies the morning after one of your infamous parties. Somebody had taken copies of their backside.'

'You think it was me?' Jennifer scoffed. 'How could you tell by one little photocopied picture?'

'It was a colour copier.' Holliway pointed out. Jennifer's face fell at the news. Holliway continued. 'Jennifer, I don't need to tell you that this company takes a serious stance against the misuse of office equipment, even if it's just a little bit of drunken fun.'

'I'm fired, aren't I?' Jennifer sighed heavily.

'I'm afraid so.' Holliway nodded in confirmation. 'I'll send Andy to help you clear out your desk.'

* * *

**A little while later-**

Jennifer trudged up the stairs to her apartment carrying a box of her possessions that had been emptied from her desk.

'It was only a little fun…' Jennifer grumbled to herself. 'Other people have gotten away with much worse stuff than photocopying their butts. Aww, crap. It's not as if things can get any worse.'

Then Jennifer noticed a bunch of men moving furniture out of her apartment. She dropped her box on the stairs and dashed up to her apartment.

'Hey! What the Hell is going on here?' Jennifer asked as she pushed in front of the removal men. 'This is my apartment.'

'Not any more it ain't.' One of the men responded as he passed her a piece of paper. 'Yer bein' evicted.'

Jennifer read the piece of paper the man had just passed her. She was indeed being evicted. Something about too much noise, apparently.

'Aww, come on!' Jennifer complained. 'It was only a little party. It wasn't as if there was much structural damage.'

'Don't blame me, lady.' The removal guys huffed. 'We're only doin' our jobs here. If you got a problem, get a lawyer or somethin'.'

Jennifer threw up her arms in exasperation. 'I am a lawyer, dammit!' The Jade Giantess took a deep breath. The removal guy was right, it wasn't his fault that she was being evicted. If she had a problem, she could take it up with her landlord.

An electronic beep alerted Jennifer that she had a prior engagement.

'Dammit! I'm late for my date!' Jennifer realised. 'At least John will understand…'

* * *

**A little later still-**

John Jameson looked at his watch. Jennifer was late. The former astronaut had organised lunch in Jennifer's favourite café, but she had yet to arrive.

'Sorry I'm late, John…' Jennifer apologised as she dashed up to the table. 'You wouldn't believe the sort of day I've had!'

'I took the liberty of ordering.' John explained. 'I hope you don't mind.'

'Jeez, I could murder an ice-cream.' Jennifer sighed as she relaxed down into a chair. 'I have been _so_ stressed today, John. Now I'm here with you and everything seems fine.'

'Excuse me, Miss She-Hulk?' A little voice piped up. Jennifer looked down to see a little girl holding a napkin and a pen with an expectant grin. 'Could I have your autograph, please?'

'Sure honey.' Jennifer smiled sweetly. 'Sorry about this John, but one has to oblige the fans, y'know.'

'Jen, this is why I wanted to see you.' John began, but found more fans crowding around the table seeking an autograph. 'I fell in love with Jennifer Walters, not She-Hulk. I just wanted a normal life together, not… this.'

'Sorry, John.' Jennifer said as she continued to sign autographs. 'I can't hear you, Could you speak up a bit.'

John heaved a heavy sign and got up from the chair.

'I'm sorry, Jen. It's over.'

Jennifer's face fell when she saw her boyfriend walk away.

'Excuse me, Miss Walters?' A waitress tapped Jennifer on the shoulder in an attempt to catch her attention. 'Is that you car? I think it's being towed away.'

'_**What?**_' Jennifer spluttered in disbelief. '_Come on! _I've had enough crap happen to me today without this happening!'

Jennifer clutched her head as her clothes began to tear. Her muscles were growing, tearing through the fabric. This was just the sort of thing that would make her angry. People wouldn't like it when Jennifer was angry. An outraged scream began to grow in her throat.

'_**SHE-HULK SMASH!**_'

* * *

**Avengers Mansion, meanwhile-**

The sound of alarms blaring through the mansion alerted Ms Marvel and the rest of the Avengers to trouble.

'What the heck's going on?' Peter Parker asked as he leapt down the stairs. 'I was just hitting back and enjoying some time off when alarms start going off. Oh God, don't tell me it's the Skrulls again.'

'It won't be the Skrulls, Peter.' Black Cat told her teammate. 'That sort of stuff usually goes down on a Tuesday. It's Friday.'

'If it's Friday, then it's most probably the Masters of Evil.' Wonder Man chipped in. 'Man, those losers never learn.'

'We've got a Gamma Level threat in Time's square.' Ms Marvel told the Web-Swinger. 'Cap's still inactive, so we'll have to take care of this without him.'

'Stupid question.' A confused Peter continued. 'But what's a Gamma Level threat?

'That's what it's called when the Hulk's on a rampage.' Squirrel Girl explained. 'Don't you ever read the Avengers' files? I've read through all of them, from Abomination all the way to Zzzax.'

'I flicked through them a bit.' Peter shrugged. 'What? There's a lot of files!'

'Come on, everybody in the Quinjet bay!' Ms Marvel ordered the rest of the heroes. '_Avengers assemble!_'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: One Bad Day- Part 2**

_Ms Marvel and the remaining Avengers try to stop a rampaging She-Hulk._


End file.
